I'm leaving right now for to have two ultrasound tests done.
If anyone feels so inclined ...please say a prayer that the doctors will have Godly discernment and wisdom. And that I will have good reports on both tests.
POWER in prayer!
Have a great rest of the week! :)
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Friday, April 18, 2014
On a lighter note ...I have always LOVED Jeff Buckley's version of Hallelujah and have often set it on replay because his rendition moves me so much. I just had to hear it over and over again. :)
And how exciting for this woman to have permission to rewrite these magnificent lyrics ...turning this song into a most beautiful tribute to Jesus ...especially apropos for this Easter weekend.
Such beautiful singing is surely a gift from above.
To post ...or not to post ...that is the question. Eh ...post I shall! I haven't been this vulnerable with my writing in a while and it is what I was feeling. I wrote it last night and I have to say ...it was somewhat cathartic. Maybe sometime I will do a series of posts in here about this particular journey ...or open a different blog. I am happy to say one thing weighing on me did resolve. I am so concerned about a couple of things ...but ...I am tackling 2 things beginning on Monday for one and Tuesday on the other and time will tell. And then the rest. I suppose yesterday's meltdown was also my resistance to doing what I know I have to do and to everything and I just want the easy way out. And as far as mistakes ...we all make them. We all have regrets. And hindsight is 20-20. Although ...I didn't need hindsight to know what to do. Clarity hits you like a 2 by 4 to the head though, when regret is involved. Kind of like death. What is it about death that people can see so much more clearly after they lose loved ones? Of course death is final ...but as long as there is breath ...there is always hope and an opportunity to improve things. That is how I see it anyway. And thankfully ...I am a person of faith and so nothing keeps me down for long. 'Tis a good thing. :)
I am so discouraged right now.. What a bad day. (Yesterday - April 17th.) Whatever could go wrong did go wrong ...although that is just a stupid day and while annoying ...it in no way would cause me to feel this way. It just seems ...wait ...not "seems" ...but rather whatever I do plan keeps getting pushed back or knocked off track altogether. I feel overwhelmed at a couple of new developments and with the latest one ...I just don't see how it will have a good end result even or I should say permanent result ...even with all the effort put into it. Admittedly, it's not an area I am familiar with and so I guess I just have to trust it will have a good outcome And plus something was a real eye opener for me today and no one ever told me that and so I guess it unnerved me greatly. And the thing I had asked about it in the past. Doctors. I asked doctors. So I am hoping that when I do relay this to my pcp and maybe another one that they won't see it as extreme as what was told to me. Anyway ...treatment for that begins next week. And I tell myself people go through much worse ..just suck it up SeaSpray and do what you have to do. Oh and while you're at it ...do EVERYTHING else you KNOW you should be doing! And because of what I learned ...this now scares me for knee surgery which I do need to do.
Then something else happened that I also have to find out about. That is probably fine but I will just be glad to get past that too.
And while I was at the hospital today ...it occurred to me that even though I was on a different floor and the decor was different ...it still had that SDS feel to it and then I realized even more so it reminded me of the lighting in the ER the night my mother was dying ...and then I realized ...that 5 years ago tonight she died in the ER there. And then for the first time in years ...I teared up in public about it....remembering that awful, heart wrenching night. Then I became overwhelmed with missing my mom. I just wanted to run into her arms and tell her everything going on. I just wanted to hug her and be hugged by her. And hear her tell me everything will be alright. Sometimes you just need to hear the words ...even if it's not true ...although ...things usually do work out in the end. There I was ...an adult woman ...crumbling in spirit like a little girl on the inside ...wanting the comfort of her mommy. It felt that primal. It was the first time in years that I felt such depth of missing and needing her. It was a profoundly ...longing primal feeling. I explained to the nurse what the significance of the date was and got past it quickly ...on the outside. I've had years this date - April 17th, got past me. Of course I miss her other times. But I haven't felt this kind of need or sadness in a long time. I suppose it was proportionate to the level of challenges coming at me recently. And ...honestly ...the cumulative effect of dealing with some other things for too long now. Which is exacerbating my sense of urgency and frustration about it all.
I was happy to be with a good friend whom I've been reunited with and so she was a blessing to be with today. I should have known this would happen, but memories of the last time I was in that gift shop came flooding in more than I thought they would. Maybe I was just more sensitive about it because of my memories with mom. The last time I was in that gift shop was when I brought my friend Iris (friends since I was four and she was five - 52 years :), there to get some baby presents for her daughter's baby shower on a Friday night in September ...September 2011, to be exact. She was so weak from the cancer that I had to push her on an office chair the volunteer graciously brought out of the closet for her to sit on. A tiny gift shop, but she was profoundly weak. She died before the baby was born and now her daughter is having another baby boy next month.
And this is a silly thing ...but it was also weird because the hospital is renovating and removed the nice little eatery they had right next door and so they don't cook on the grill in there anymore unless you want to go to the hospital cafeteria. My friend was also disappointed. I guess for me it is because I actually have happy memories of having nice little meals when babies have been born and for other things going on. It was also nice being able to look out the windows. And it was awful seeing most of it covered up with construction plastic today. They will be putting a pharmacy in that location instead. Maybe it will be a money maker since the public will be able to shop there too. And I guess even that felt like a loss ...albeit a small one. Just one more reminder of how nothing is forever. Which of course I know ...but I guess I just don't like that concept right now.
My friend and I did have a nice early dinner at a diner I've been wanting to go in since it was remodeled. The last time I was in there was with Iris ...after she came with me to a prenatal appointment in 1988. And before that I was a waitress there for a couple of months after graduating high school. It was a little weird. And of course I remembered on how after a busy 7-3 shift ...one Saturday afternoon ...coming out to a dead battery on mom's Oldsmobile Cutlass because I left the headlights on. :)
It really was nice being with my friend today. I mostly listened to all that was going on with her. I was glad to be supportive.
But by the time I walked in the door tonight ...I just felt overwhelmed and discouraged again ...wondering how all the things will work out. Mr SeaSpray noticed (even though I didn't say anything), and when he came over to hug me I just sobbed in his arms and told him everything about the challenges now and I told him I just feel like giving up and listed all the things I am not even trying to do anymore because, "I am giving up. That's it. I've had it!" He reassured me I wouldn't and wouldn't let me. I resisted and said, "NO! I'm done! I just don't see how I am going to do these things and I am tired of it all." Then I apologized and said I feel like I've let everyone down, including myself. I was feeling like one abject FAILURE. And so many things could've been different. He disagreed. I guess I was angry at myself in that moment and genuinely felt like I have let so many people down, including myself ...and even God. You'd think my life was flashing before my eyes. I took it all on in those moments.
I have to say ...this attitude is not the norm for me at all. But ...it is what it is. I can't see the forest for the trees right now. But the sun will come up tomorrow ...tomorrow-w-w-w. It will. It's supposed to be a sunny day. :)
And of course I've left stuff out. There's more. This too shall pass.
Well ..enough for now. Maybe sometime in the future I will be more open about some things ...or not.
Things do always work out and we all have that dark night of the soul at some point. I did tell the nurse today and later Mr SeaSpray ...that maybe this will be my turn around moment ...that someday I will be grateful because what seemed like the final and overwhelming straw ...could actually turn out to be the one that causes me to do some really good things and turn my life in directions I otherwise might never have gone in. You know ...like when people say they are grateful for their disease or disability because they became stronger, better people with their situation was the catalyst in life leading them in amazingly interesting and fulfilling directions.
At the very least I should be able to take some lemons and make a little lemonade. I can do it ...I will do it. :)
Monday, April 14, 2014
I'm going to bring all my tax prep to the ACCOUNTANT'S tomorrow afternoon and so ...as much as I loathe doing this ...this year ...I am waving the white flag of SURRENDER for doing our taxes. I hate admitting defeat ...especially when I've done so much ...and I just know there is a simple answer (s) right in front of me. But my husband retired last winter and even though I have the 1099R right in front of me certain things are not clear to me. Not only that ...(I must be misunderstanding this), in one section they are saying we spent 2,157.00 LESS for health/dental insurance premiums than what we actually paid as evidenced by their own explanation of retirement expenses earlier in the year. On the 1099R they have the figure under ROTH contributions OR insurance. My instincts tell me this is not the health insurance premiums. (mistakes do happen tho) But then there are other sections with financial figures also not clear. So between federal and state ...I just want to be sure it's right. Then NEXT year I will know what to do again. I will be sure to ask precise questions when I meet with him after his work is complete. Also this time my delay in tackling this is hurting because now we will be paying for the extension too. C'est la vie. I'm going to cut myself some slack. I admit I don't have the same drive to tackle it and am also happy to wash my hands of it. I know ...walking paradox ...I am. :) I just want to get through the knee stuff and feel like myself again.
And about that ...I spoke with the scheduler today and she removed me off the schedule because as I stated in my previous post I need to see what they tell me on Thursday at the hospital and hopefully it will be a non event that will not suck up a lot of time and I can pursue this ...although now it will be in MAY. What a terrific scheduler she is! Pleasant, supportive and understanding. I was concerned they'd think I wasn't serious and I absolutely am! She didn't cell back because she misunderstood what I said in the message last week and that there was a need to change the surgery date. And she didn't realize the vascular doc also sent a report to them. So ...soon ...this will be happening. My next call will be for the date and I just want to get in there and DO this!
To be continued ...
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Later ...as I sit down to face the paperwork (sorting - although I did do most of that last month - YAY!), I am going to enjoy a nice cup of tea. This is a picture of the Chai Latte tea I had yesterday. I would've preferred less sweetness, but it was still a treat. Tea is relaxing. I LOVE coffee and do relax with that ...but tea ...is comforting, soothing and relaxing. Just perfect for the undercurrent of stress I'm feeling over doing the taxes this year. :)
Darned TAX time!
Tomorrow was supposed to be 2 weeks from surgery day. More on that when I can. Well I'll just say that on Thursday, I have to do something medically I was not planning on and don't know what to expect or how involved it is. Which is also why the surgery is a little up in the air ...for the 28th. (It's possible if I can get the PAT/pre-surgery class done in time for pcp to send clearance. But if I have to continue with some kind of program at this place then I don't think it will be doable. Close but no cigar. The only perk in it is it is at my favorite hospital and so I will check out their gift shop on the way out. (Sometimes a SeaSpray's just gotta make lemonade out of lemons - just saying. :) It's a nice little gift shop and they may have jewelery or something I might like. I've almost always rewarded myself with a little something from there after enduring some kind of test or procedure. This isn't a test but a potential treatment for something. I'm still hoping it will just be a short evaluation and no big deal and something she just shows me to do ...or maybe I won't even have to.
Btw - I really liked the vascular doc. What a nice doctor! And the good news is he didn't see the need to do any vascular testing of any kind - YAY! He just gave me a script to do this. But ...he mentioned maybe 2 weeks with this and that is what interferes with surgery. I have no idea what to expect.
I can't believe the different cancellations and rescheduling with different specialists and not just because of me, but also the doctors. And now this. Actually I mentioned I was glad that we finally met after all of our mutual cancellations and he was so sweet and all apologetic. I quickly reassured him that I understood and that it was me too. Gosh ...he's a DOCTOR! Need I say more? I 100% understand when they meed to change things and/or keep me waiting. I think most people are dense when they get angry at the doctor. And certainly not appreciative. Anyway, they say praise God for the delays. But now I'm bummed because it is so close to summer. I wasn't sorry I canceled the October appointment because I really thought I would be doing the surgery by February the latest. Regardless ...I AM doing this surgery! It has to be done. And I have to get PAST all this stuff. I am so tired of it all. And this level of chronic pain is extremely draining at this point. And discouraging. Admittedly, I came home Tuesday afternoon feeling really down because it seems that I finally get myself psyched (even tho I lamented about time going too fast), and then a wrench thrown into it ...again. In a way ...it's kind of odd. How I kept getting delays for different reasons. I'm thinking maybe the time just wasn't right for some reason. And I have just given this all to God and asked him to work out all the scheduling and the day of the surgery. I'm happy with my choice for an orthopedic surgeon. He specializes in hip and knee replacements. I've heard good things about him and also the ortho wing in that hospital. He even did bilateral hip replacements for my dentist who also reassured me of how good the surgeon is. And this dentist also teaches at that hospital and so I think he'd know of the orthopedic doctor's reputation. Plus ...he chose him for himself. There's no higher testimony than that. :)
Well ...I was going to vent about doing the taxes this year. But now I think I will just go empty the dishwasher and go back to the paperwork part while catching up on some shows I've taped. Specifically Shark tank and The Five. :) I did everything BUT the taxes once I signed out of the tax program today. :) But there are some changes this time around and if I have to, I will just bring it all to an accountant. I just hate PAYING him though when I've done all the ground work. Seriously ...I tally all the receipts and have them all categorized. Okay I still have to do that part but the point is I do allll the work. I have called him in the past. The last time ...he told me he enjoys my stressing over some of the things when I don't know for sure what to do. But this is his profession. I haven't spoken with him since April 2004 and I don't feel right about that now. I do have a couple of other people to call tomorrow and so maybe my answers will be clearer after speaking with them.
Or maybe I will see it all more clearly when I wake up EARLY ...all bright eyed and bushy tailed and tackle this with the eastern sun coming in the windows. And I'll have the house to myself without any distractions.
And now it's tea time. :)
Monday, April 7, 2014
Surgery - 3 weeks from today.
Taxes due - 8 days from today.
Vascular appt with new doctor (finally!) - 14.5 hrs from now. (I'd be grateful for any prayers sent my way for a good report and surgical clearance. :)
Make Homemade chicken soup for dear m-i-l just coming down with a cold - 15 hours from now.
Ha ha! CORRECTION! Unless I will be making that homemade chicken soup in the middle of the vascular exam ...in which case it would then be medical office made chicken soup ...I will commence making said soup approximately 17 or so hours from the initial writing of this post. Eh ...math was never my strong suit. :)
SeaSpray, lifting raw chicken out of bag - "Excuse me? Dr vascular Doc ...where is the office stove so that I might boil this chicken?" ;)
Nesting instinct strong. Feeling like I have so much to do... to be ready. I know I'm seeing with eyes that feel challenged by time ...feeling like there isn't enough time to do all I want to do. Why is it that when we feel like we don't have enough time ...we can suddenly see with such clarity as opposed to when we are mindless about time? And yet ...simultaneously feel challenged by a lack of focus?
Ha! I've often said that I am a walking paradox.
And apparently ...also quite proficient at procrastination.
Which in turn exacerbates the paradox of clarity without focus.
Just saying. :)