Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Why Guys Pee Outside

O.k. - I have already established elsewhere in this blog that because of
my own experiences with a malfunctioning plumbing system -I'm not talking
kitchen sink -although I do have a story for that-butI am drawn to anything
involving urine..well maybe not anything- but the "U" word does get this
girls attention. ;) That said, a friend of mine up the road sent me this
e-mail (Thank you Neighbor)that OF COURSE I found amusing and thought you
might too.

This is why guys pee outside....

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of
women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you
check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman
leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has
been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern
"seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty .

You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there
isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck,(Mom would
turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants,
and assume " The Stance."

In this position your thigh muscles can begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the
seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold " The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you
discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear
your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you
would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the
one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that
now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time).
That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's
still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door
hits your purse , which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest,
and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing
altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of
course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.

Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life
form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not
that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your
mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her
bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You
just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose
against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers
your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab
onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the
wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you
found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic
sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk
past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile
politely to them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet
paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You
yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her
warmly, "Here, you just might need this." As you exit, you spot your hubby,
who has long since entered, used and left the men's restroom.
Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging
around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms
rest??? you've got! to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what
really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked
questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other
gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so
accurately !


Elaine said...

Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, this is just so horribly true!

Ms-Ellisa said...

This is SO true....!!!

Jenster said...

This is so funny!! And unfortunately so true. :o)

BTW - I have a surprise for you under my "The Big Head" post!

SeaSpray said...

Congrats Jenster and thank you! You probably know by now I left you comments. :)

SeaSpray said...

Hi Elaine, Ms Ellisa and Jenster - Glad you all liked it!

This is very funny and we all know how true it is.

On the first American Inventor show - a woman invented this little plastic restroom door holder. It was small enough to carry in a purse and big enough to hold a little package of traveler tissues. It clipped on top of the door to hold it closed when for when the lock is broken. She won a couple of rounds but wasn't the winner. I ABSOLUTELY would have bought that! I hope we see it for sale someday.

I am freaked out when I see the toilet paper on the floor and that is the only one! I WOULD opt for a gum wrapper over THAT! I realize I am more sensitized to the idea of UTI's, etc. but that just isn't good for anyone.

I was in a Quick Check restroom recently and it was clean. I was disturbed that they had a big brand new roll still with the brown wrapping on the flat part of the tissues but laying on it's side so that the entire side was flat on the floor. i promptly requested to speak with the manager and asked if it was store policy to have it on the floor like that because it was not a sanitary thing to do. She assured me that it was not and that she would remove it. I hope she really did. I always try to carry tissues with me but admit to having resorted to using used tissues that I blotted my lipstick with. I know that isn't the most hygienic thing to do but it sure as heck beats the alternative! :)

Orcadia said...

Hi SeaSpray. Loved this post it had me in stitches.

My response to your title, however, would be "....because they can!" :)

Example 1: I have made sure that I have sat in the comfort of our bathroom at home before a journey in the car, yet 20 minutes into the journey, what do I urgently need to do? Yes, you've guessed it. I then have to sit, legs squeezing together and asking that the road is not pot holed and bumpy until I find the nearest supermarket to use the 'rest' rooms.

Example 2: In the event that I can't find a rest room, or I am out on my bike in the middle of nowhere, I look for a suitable area of forest and crossing my fingers that the millions of ticks that live in the undergrowth don't brush onto my bajingo, I yank my pants and panties down only so far because I don't want them to be a home for a tick. I then assume THE STANCE whilst simultaneously trying to manage my trembling thighs I am pulling my clothes out of the line of fire. Now, of course, being a totally isolated road, with a forest that shows no sign of activity, what happens next? A couple appear from who knows where and I have to scrabble to pull everything up, finished or not. One is so much more visible when one is squatting; men have no idea!

Josie Dew who wrote several books about her cycle tours through various countries, came up with her own solution; use an old fashioned large yellow rain cape. She'd squat under that and no-one knew what she was doing. However she is quite short.

I spend days in the saddle wondering if I could get a supply of cathers and use self catheterisation. My mind boggles at the possibilities and opportunities that this would allow me.
I'm thinking, somehow put a cork on the end instead of a collection bag and then when I need to 'go' just whip it out a la homme, standing facing a tree. Wow, freedom!
I'm thinking, if no cork, then place collecting bag on bike like my hydration bags. Trouble is I would hate to get them muddled up.
I'm also thinking of those long, long car journeys and if I had a catheter in situ, maybe we could save time and not even stop....I'd just dangle the end out of the window....sorry, I am getting a little carried away with myself here! I hope I haven't offended your sense of propriety.

Orcadia said...

Ooops, something got left out or eaten on my last comment. The example I relate should have been preceded by a statement that I have an irritable bladder and I get really, really annoyed that men have it so easy.

Dr. Deb said...

I do many of these things.

Jenster said...

I'm back! And I'm dealing with a UTI right now, too. BLECH! But nothing like what you go through.

As for the rockin' blogger award, what I do is right click on the button (on my blog), go to "properties" and then copy the url.

You can email me if you run into a problem. (I have an email link on the blog) I'm not very computer savvy, but I think I can help.

Sisyphus said...

Hey SeaSpray, great post. BTW, sent you an email - check your spam filter?

Chrysalis Angel said...

Only you Seaspray...Orcadia had me cracking up. It is true though, I laughed at now men will know why we go in pairs.

SeaSpray said...

Hi to everyone who left the most recent comments. I can't stay now as son needs the computer for work. (proud of him because he got to bylines that went into 2 pages in our local paper. His first interview covering a Frisbie match at our local community college was one of the articles. He's having fun with it.)

Oh heck! I am here so -Hi Dr Deb - Glad you enjoyed it. Yes - we have all had to deal with this. :)

Jenster - Thank you and I will try later or else e-mail.

Orcadia - Do check back here because you must KNOW that I have some responses to your comments! ;) Ahhh - your a girl after my own heart! If you haven't already seen it - you may want to check my post "Fly on the Urinal-Aiming to Please" on my sidebar because I do talk about my experience peeing like a guy with a foley. Well not "like A guy" peeing with a foley but peeing with a foley that reminds me of peeing like a guy sans the right equipment - of course! ;) yes - I shall be back here tonight to leave you a comment. ;)

Hi angel - yeah - now the REAL secret is out! ;)

Oh- by the way Orcadia and Dr Deb - you two are the shrinks - what is with my new found obsession with anything pertaining to urine?

I just painted the hallway Evocative Sunlight because it reminded me of urine. I'm kidding! It's actually very pretty and soft hued. Well subconsciously...I may have chosen it because I suppose with the right amount of fluid intake it could urine could fall within that color range. Hmmm...and I thought i just like the color. ;)

Orcadia - I did get your delightful e-mail and will respond asap. I loved it and thoroughly enjoyed it!

It especially warmed my heart to know that your husband reads my blog AND cracked me up when I read that he laughs so hard he has to try to catch his breath in between laughing! Please tell him that from now on I am writing for him! also good to know the humor is appreciated! :)

I seem to have these Lucy moments in my life that gives me plenty of material to draw from. Good thing I can laugh at myself! I have a really funny story about something that happened to me when I left the ladies room after my shift at the hospital and went to hang out in the ER a bit and no it wasn't something as simple as toilet paper stuck to my shoe! If only!

patientanonymous said...

Oh dear...the gum wrapper made me laugh the most. I actually don't chew gum due to TMJ business--or at least if I do it's just for a few minutes to freshen up my mouth.

A gum wrapper...so small hehe.

I've been camping a few times in life and at certain points you just have to go outside...you just make the best of it.

I commented way back in your urinal post about something actually invented for women to urinate standing up...this might solve the problem? If you weren't averse to using it. Same goes for camping etc...

Anonymous said...

This is brilliant!

SeaSpray said...

Hi Orcadia-If I were ever going to have penis envy it would be because they can make whizzie winkles out of their schwing schwangs so much more conveniently. Aside from that -glad to be a girl!

How appropriate - a "yellow" rain coat and actually quite clever! Ticks on the BAJINGO - YIKES!

Assuming the STANCE is not very comfortable.

One needs to be aware of inclines so whizzie winkles flow in the right direction and no matter what there is always splash back!

The ideal situation is for the urine to flow downward and away from you but if the incline is too steep, especially if one is the type to prefer the urine travel down between one's hands vs between the feet -there is the chance the arms could tremble, slip and one could then go tumbling backward - arse up and head over heals, whizzie winkles every where until hitting the bottom(s) and hopefully not land bottoms up! And really all the underbrush -sticks grass, leaves, poison ivy, etc. you'd emerge wet with the underbrush stuck all over you - not a pretty site! O.k. - I have never known this to happen- but it could! :)

Leaning with back against the tree works real good if there are trees in the area. Unless of course a beaver got there first -then back to scene I. :)

Self cathetarization? My you are a brave one aren't you? Great idea for cycling except I think your bladder would revolt all that pressure and friction in short order. But you don't need a tree or do you just want something to aim at? You could write your name in sand or snow! Or do some cutesy design. :) I don't think whipping out a tube qualifies as indecent exposure (and officer - it was white...)but good manners would dictate that you go someplace private plus that whole shy bladder thing... :)

I have one word for you though and it is based on my personal experience. B-O-R-I-N-G! If you have to void a large volume it takes a long time and is boring -plan on whistling or something.

Haha! putting the tube out the window! And the gift du jour for the car or people behind you is...

SeaSpray said...

Hi PA -glad you liked it. Yes-I do remember your telling me about that. :)

Hi Bloghore- I agree - brilliant! Glad you liked it! :)

SeaSpray said...

Jenster - I do hope you will feel better and that your UTI will clear up quickly! :)

Bohemian Road Nurse... said...

I love it!

Anonymous said...


SeaSpray said...

Hi anonymous- I think the competitive side of me would want to have peeing contests with my girlfriends. Like who can go the farthest, best aim or fill a bucket the fastest.

or I might want to make hearts in the snow or write my name.

But most of all the convenience factor..you guys have it better that way for sure.

But...the side walk or bushes? Hopefully people don't walk near those areas..I'm just sayin.

SeaSpray said...
This comment has been removed by the author.