Friday, August 3, 2007
Hungry But Grateful
It has been 72 hours now since eating and I admit to feeling a huge wave of hunger now. The headache will not go away and I am trying to stay on top of it with Tramadyl.
Right now even the most boring tasteless food would taste so good. i was thinking about these foods while I was in the pool. After I got out, I showered, set my hair and then decided to have something really decadent. But...I am being a good girl..it's only HOT water. I figured if I heat it up it will seem like I am having something special after only having cold water and before that an IV drip.
The mind is interesting in how it responds to things. Just before my husband came to pick me up at the hospital yesterday, I had been thinking about how hot everyone was telling me it was outside. I decided it would be nice if we could stop at Dairy Queen and get a couple of ice cream cones and I knew I wanted a chocolate cone dipped in chocolate. Then I realized that I couldn't. It must've been one of those desert mirage type of thoughts just sneaking in there.
I was doing fine today until I saw the can of cashews my son left on the counter. "Look away!", I said to myself. Dramatic - but true. :) Then when in the pool earlier this evening, I thought someone was barbecuing -but no one was. Another mind trick.
I have also been thinking about what my first food would be. I thought about going out to lunch with a friend and having something special and maybe I will, but in all probability I will probably have something with that good whole wheat bread or a seasoned salmon I have in the freezer or both. Maybe with a salad with vegetables fresh from the garden and either a balsamic vinegar or blue cheese dressing. Tuna fish is crossing my mind too. Interestingly, I am not craving anything sweet, just something with substance and real tasting. Definitely no junk! I just pray to God the doctor who discharged me is right and that this will all go away. I will find out tomorrow. All prayers and good thoughts welcome. :)
I am really surprised that it is o.k. for a diabetic to go without eating anything for days and getting absolutely no nutrition in. I thought they were supposed to have 6 small meals a day to avoid low or elevated blood sugar. I don't do that and am prone to skipping meals depending on what I am doing, but still 86 hrs?
I remember once when I was a 13 I didn't eat for three days. My mother didn't have enough money left to buy food and she never told her brothers that she needed financial help and so we suffered in silence. I never told any friends. One day, my girlfriend and I were sitting on her front porch. She went into the house and brought out a bag of saltine crackers. She was eating them and never offered me any. I was so hungry but I never asked for even just one. I didn't ask for one because I thought if I did that she would somehow know that we were poor and didn't have any food. Sometimes, an elderly lady would ask me to get her mail for her and then pay me a dime. I would then go right down to the drugstore and buy a pineapple ice cream cone and sometimes that was my only food for the day. My mother was very secretive about it all and never applied for welfare as she was too proud to. And so I was silent too. I think the Italian family next door must've known and their relatives a couple of doors down because they occasionally sent food over. Then again...every Italian family I have ever known likes to feed people so maybe that was just their way..I don't know. Little Grandma could cook!
I learned compassion from this.
Also going through my mind is how awful it must be for the truly starving people in the 3rd world countries. Little babies, older children and adults with bloated stomachs. Parents not being able to feed their children. Watching the people you love die or watching anyone die of starvation. Feeling so powerless, hungry, hurting and without hope.
I know I have a lot to be grateful for.