Friday, August 3, 2007

Hungry But Grateful

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It has been 72 hours now since eating and I admit to feeling a huge wave of hunger now. The headache will not go away and I am trying to stay on top of it with Tramadyl.

Right now even the most boring tasteless food would taste so good. i was thinking about these foods while I was in the pool. After I got out, I showered, set my hair and then decided to have something really decadent. But...I am being a good's only HOT water. I figured if I heat it up it will seem like I am having something special after only having cold water and before that an IV drip.

The mind is interesting in how it responds to things. Just before my husband came to pick me up at the hospital yesterday, I had been thinking about how hot everyone was telling me it was outside. I decided it would be nice if we could stop at Dairy Queen and get a couple of ice cream cones and I knew I wanted a chocolate cone dipped in chocolate. Then I realized that I couldn't. It must've been one of those desert mirage type of thoughts just sneaking in there.

I was doing fine today until I saw the can of cashews my son left on the counter. "Look away!", I said to myself. Dramatic - but true. :) Then when in the pool earlier this evening, I thought someone was barbecuing -but no one was. Another mind trick.

I have also been thinking about what my first food would be. I thought about going out to lunch with a friend and having something special and maybe I will, but in all probability I will probably have something with that good whole wheat bread or a seasoned salmon I have in the freezer or both. Maybe with a salad with vegetables fresh from the garden and either a balsamic vinegar or blue cheese dressing. Tuna fish is crossing my mind too. Interestingly, I am not craving anything sweet, just something with substance and real tasting. Definitely no junk! I just pray to God the doctor who discharged me is right and that this will all go away. I will find out tomorrow. All prayers and good thoughts welcome. :)

I am really surprised that it is o.k. for a diabetic to go without eating anything for days and getting absolutely no nutrition in. I thought they were supposed to have 6 small meals a day to avoid low or elevated blood sugar. I don't do that and am prone to skipping meals depending on what I am doing, but still 86 hrs?

I remember once when I was a 13 I didn't eat for three days. My mother didn't have enough money left to buy food and she never told her brothers that she needed financial help and so we suffered in silence. I never told any friends. One day, my girlfriend and I were sitting on her front porch. She went into the house and brought out a bag of saltine crackers. She was eating them and never offered me any. I was so hungry but I never asked for even just one. I didn't ask for one because I thought if I did that she would somehow know that we were poor and didn't have any food. Sometimes, an elderly lady would ask me to get her mail for her and then pay me a dime. I would then go right down to the drugstore and buy a pineapple ice cream cone and sometimes that was my only food for the day. My mother was very secretive about it all and never applied for welfare as she was too proud to. And so I was silent too. I think the Italian family next door must've known and their relatives a couple of doors down because they occasionally sent food over. Then again...every Italian family I have ever known likes to feed people so maybe that was just their way..I don't know. Little Grandma could cook!

I learned compassion from this.

Also going through my mind is how awful it must be for the truly starving people in the 3rd world countries. Little babies, older children and adults with bloated stomachs. Parents not being able to feed their children. Watching the people you love die or watching anyone die of starvation. Feeling so powerless, hungry, hurting and without hope.

I know I have a lot to be grateful for.


Elaine said...

Wow. I have just caught up with your last two posts. Any comment seems so inadequate. It's always so worrying and frustrating when you get two different and conflicting Dxs. You are never quite sure which one to trust. Still if it is your gall bladder, you will probably find out for certain before too long. (I found out by eating rather a large amount of lovely custard as my Dx was an ulcer, the pain was memorable!)

Meantime you take good care of yourself. {{{hugs}}}

Chrysalis Angel said...

You know I'm checking in on you Seaspray. Your childhood story made me think of some of the kids I see. Snack time with nothing of their own and you can see they are hungry. I keep an eyeball out for that and if they have no known allergies...they might miraculously find a package of cheese crackers with peanut butter in their desks. ;) Have to watch out for those allergies though,you have to be sure.

Orcadia said...

Ooohh, SeaSpray! I can't leave you alone for a few days....poor you. You have my sympathies and my prayers for a speedy recovery. I hope that doc. was correct in his diagnosis. I don't blame you for breaking down and weeping, nor for feeling somewhat frustrated and forgotten in your previous post. Geez, a completely normal cannae be superwifae ae th' time!! :)

SeaSpray said...

Hi Elaine - thank you for the well wishes and hugs. I could feel them!:)

I never refuse a hug as I think they have a healing effect.

If you come by here and see this would you mind expounding on your GB symptoms?

Hi Angel - awww that is so sweet and compassionate of you.

I remember the special people who truly seemed like angels on earth with their compassion and support throughout my whole life at various times. That is exactly why I try to give back whenever I can.

Sometimes I fall short though. For instance I have a dear coworker (ED Nurse) who was so very supportive of me and I can't imagine not having had her to talk to when I was at my worst with the sepsis, stenting, etc and her paramedic husband who both happen to be beautiful Christians as well. Anyway, awhile back I promised them a nice lasagne dinner that I want to bring up to them but it seems something is always coming up and I haven't done it as yet. Sigh!

Your story reminds me of what one teacher (my son's teacher who I became friends with) told me about another lets say...unpopular teacher with students and parents. She told me that this teacher would recognize who the needy children were in her class and when they would come in in the morning to find notebooks, pencils and other supplies in their desks. I know from experience, you never forget when someone does this for you. (ok - I am about ready to go off on another tangent but will save for another post.)

My heart would break for the obviously neglected children that would come into the ER and you can see them in the supermarkets too. Hair not combed and obviously not bathed with dirt under their finger nails and unclean clothing.

I am not talking about the kids who present like my boys would have after playing around the pond all day catching frogs etc., covered in mud. I was ALWAYS really good about making sure they had their baths!

I am talking about the kids dressed in tattered, gray dingy clothing. I also cringed when I would hear what some of the parents would say to their kids to correct them or the foul language they used. (ok -this could be another post too.) Sometimes I would step in with a sweet voice and a more constructive positive correction hoping it would sink in with the parents. Usually, but not always- the child would seem to soak up what I was saying and behave.

I wasn't neglected like these children. I just went through a couple of years when I was 12-14 that were really tough. it was just my mother and me and as an adult I know she did the best she knew to do at the time.

Unfortunately for me from that point on-I always felt that I had to parent her. BTW -she never drank or did anything destructive or abusive. I think she was depressed at having lost both parents and my father was no longer in the picture and she only made the salary of someone working in a donut shop or Johns bargain basement and yet was too proud to tell any relatives or apply for welfare.

My saving grace was that eventually my uncle and his wife found out what was going on and agreed to take me in. (maybe I will post about that too sometime)of course I was as mad as a hornet that I had to leave the shore but it was exciting to actually live in a nice house as a family although I still worried about my mother.

I am not at all complaining. We all go through valleys of varying degrees and it is the choices we make at those times that make the difference. Again...I learned compassion.

Angel...really keep doing that because you are impacting those children in a special way. I think sometimes teachers and staff are the child's only positive connection.

Hi Orcadia!

Believe me I understand why the tears came but still it is embarrassing. I hadn't eaten in almost 30 hours at that point, I had been awake since 9am the previous morning and it was now going on 4am into the next day, I didn't have any concrete answers as to what was going on, FREEZING and pain exacerbating along with feeling very alone and forgotten and afraid because I didn't know what all this meant in terms of treatment and I just want to get a job in the fall. And I was thinking about the now added finances.

I want to say though - that I DO know people go through way worse things and I know I am still blessed. It's just so much better when you are the one helping the patients instead of being one!

Thank you for your well wishes. ;)