Friday, August 10, 2007

I Did A Ditzy Thing At The Urology Office Today!
It is a prerequisite that if you step foot in the urologist office you will surrender your urine. Actually ...I think it is the law. It ties in with the order of the universe or something and you can't mess with it.

As far as I am concerned -it is liquid gold because I am so happy that all the plumbing is working. Dr. Schoor from the Independent Urologist blog has said they call it the champagne of body fluids. :)
Pic above: what really happens in the bladder when the urine arrives. I have it on good authority that this is what urologists see when they scope your bladder. They don't call it the champagne of body fluids with out reason.

Trust me when I say this: every ounce of urine flowing in and then out of the bladder without assistance or pain is reason for celebration!

I'm pretty sure drug reps carry their own plastic cups no doubt touting the latest urology drug. You can tell who they are because they are the ones fighting each other to be the first one in the bathroom to leave their sample before the other reps so their drug gets promoted first. O.k., not really, but it could happen. :)

Yes... I know...another URINE story. It's true, I'm obsessing again. :) Don't be too concerned though because if I do go back to work in a hospital -I will be able to regale you with stories of other bodily secretions like blood, sputum and fecal matter. But for now, y'all will just have to settle for another post about urine.

S0, what happened today?

Well let me preface that with an explanation of my usual experience in surrendering the champagne of body fluids. I have been going to this urology office for about 19 months, minus a few in between. I go to the front desk to check in. The receptionist then gives me a plastic cup with my name on it and a wipe for a clean catch urine. As soon as the rest room is free, I go in to make whizzie winkles and then leave my prized champagne of body fluids behind a metal door which is directly behind the toilet.

This metal door opens on both sides of the wall so the nurse/assistant can get the sample for testing. They open the door often to check to see if the sample is in there yet. You don't know how many times I have been so very tempted to pop my door open at the same time they do to say, "hi!" but I restrain myself because I don't want to scare them although the thought of doing that amuses me greatly.
( not scaring them but just saying hi)

Today, I had a consult in their satellite office. I was there once last year and then again today, so I am not as familiar with the set up.

So I take my cup, go in and make whizzie winkles. But I don't see any place to put it. Hmmm...
I wash up, grab a paper towel to hold it and exit the rest room. Hmmm... no one else is holding urine. I'll give it to the receptionist. No, she probably doesn't have gloves and what if it spills (there was no cap) ...something isn't right about this. What to do? What to do?...

I decide to go sit by the other patients. I am juggling my purse, my book and my big jug of water along with the open cup of urine. I manage to sit down without spilling or dropping anything. I smile at the woman I sat next to, but she is looking at my open cup of urine. I look over at the man and he is staring at my open cup of urine. I know... I make pretty whizzie winkles.. :) Oh wait - they aren't admiring the urine they are afraid of it or what I might do with it.

So I casually announce that I am just going to go over to those empty seats on the other side of the room. Again, I juggle everything and make a smooth transition over to the other side and I place my open sample of urine on the rug by my feet. I look up to my left...nice Monet. I look back down at the urine. I don't plan on kicking it but what if I forget? So I moved it in front of the empty chair to my right. You know...It just doesn't look right to have an open cup of urine on the rug in the waiting room.

I just settle into my chair and open my book when I hear the receptionist tell the man to place his sample in the little metal door in the bathroom. METAL DOOR?? I jumped up, grabbed my urine and raced in front of the man and said, "Excuse me, but I didn't know they had a METAL DOOR!" And really, I didn't have to race as he was elderly and walking slowly. He smiled graciously, while seemingly amused - I don't know.

Ahhh...mission accomplished. However, now I was worried about our urines co-mingling if he were to have a shaky hand so I told the receptionist but she wasn't concerned because we had different names.

Then I just started chuckling to myself about my ditzyness. I mean come ON! I have earned frequent flier status when it comes to surrendering my champagne of body fluids. All I can figure is that I was preoccupied with not taking a wrong turn on the way down and I really had to make whizzie winkles when I got there, plus the metal door wasn't behind the toilet. However, it WAS IN FRONT OF ME ON THE OPPOSITE WALL! But I didn't see it. In all fairness, it does take a certain amount of preoccupation and finesse for a female to hit the target and today my whizzie winkles were non compliant and my finesse was no where to be found. Really, one would think that given my frequent flier status that I would be the master of my own urine by now, but alas...I am not...YET. I was also preoccupied with what I was going to discuss. But gee, even at the ER, patients might get stuck holding their urine although it at least has a cap on it. I should have known this! (Sigh!)

Speaking of frequent flier status I made the following comment over in Dr Schwab's Surgeonsblog a couple of weeks ago.

My nether regions have been exposed so much over the last 16 mos - I am surprised that every time I see a white coat or blue scrubs that I don't automatically assume the stirrup position, you some Pavlovian response! (would really be embarrassing in the waiting room!)

And then I said...

Well, I take comfort in the fact that even though they have seen the bajingo/sea biscuit area -they haven't seen the girls! :)

I am not superstitious or anything but I'll be darned because last week while I was an ER patient they called a guy named Ralph to come do an EKG and so now even the girls aren't a secret anymore! Ralph was very nice though. :)

P.S. My neighbor and dear friend who has often brought me to some of these urology visits, after reading this , has suggested that perhaps the next time I leave my pretty whizzie winkles inside the metal door that I should first tie a pretty bow around the cup. LOL! It would no doubt be a surprise and I think that is a hilarious idea, but because it is a medical office - I don't know how that would be received. But I will be smiling about it on my side of the door! :)

Update: Not long after I wrote this post ...I woke up one morning thinking about it and panicked ...because it hit me that ...OMG! I was a frequent flier to the urology office and I certainly knew the protocol for urine specimens. You do not EVER walk out into the waiting room with it. You are always supposed to leave it in the metal door ...IN the BATHROOM ..BEFORE leaving to go back into the waiting room. I had never seen anyone ...ever...sitting in the waiting room with a urine specimen. And ...I had been to that satellite office the previous summer and didn't have any problem recognizing the metal door for leaving specimens in... before leaving the bathroom.

Furthermore ...and especially alarming ..was that I went through a whole series of thought processes ..moving, balancing the urine, aware other patients were staring at it ...moving again and repositioning it on the floor. (I do think it is kind of funny ..that like broccoli in someone's teeth ...these people weren't comfortable telling me there is a door in the bathroom for the urine. And odd that the receptionist ...who looked right at the my urine and me ...did not graciously remind me there was a metal door in which to place my urine. Instead ...I think she chose to alert me to that fact via telling the next patient. Perhaps she was taken aback too?) I was oblivious to all of that ...UNTIL ..the receptionist mentioned putting the specimen in the metal door to the elderly patient. THEN ...the realization hit me!

(Could've been in a sitcom! :)

When I realized that this was beyond "ditzy", I was so scared that something was wrong with my brain! But, at that time ...every once in awhile ..I wold take Lunesta to help me sleep. The instructions stated to take just before going to bed and when you can have a full night's sleep. I took it in the wee hrs of the morning and was up early for the uro appt., which was an hour away. So ...I did not have enough sleep and this drug altered my thinking processes. I called the prescribing physician and he agreed that Lunesta could have caused that behavior. I was so relieved, but in my next appointment with that doc ..I again asked if the drug could've caused that and he said it could. I asked if he was at all worried about my mind and he said he was not.

That was one of the most frightening thoughts I have ever had in my life!

I have never taken that or any other drug in that category to sleep again. It scares me to think of something so potent that could mess with your brain that way and cause you to do such bizarre things and apparently based on other people's experiences ..worse things. It is also disturbing to think that there are people out there ...driving, working ...doing God knows what in a potentially mind altered state ...AND ...not even know they are doing anything out of the norm.

I never had another issue like that again since I never took the med again. Thank God! I'm glad that is all I did and not anything worse!

Suffice it to know, that I will never - ever take anything like that medication again!


Elaine said...

Oh Seaspray, what a hilarious post. Who would have thought that you could make such a long and funny article on the mere subject of giving a specimen of urine!

Chrysalis Angel said...

Only you Seaspray...pretty whizzie winkles....geesh.

SeaSpray said...

Hi Elaine - glad you liked it. It's all true except the pretty whizzie winkles and the drug reps.

I did write more about the co-mingling urines but decided to omit that part.

Hi angel - well the whizzie winkles had this pretty iridescent sparkle that shimmered in the light and..... :)

SeaSpray said...

LOL! Not MY whizzie winkles! :)

Actually, that was my concern after I sat next to the woman. I saw their faces and I was also thinking how would I feel sitting next to some one's open urine and I would have been concerned about a spill and that is why I moved.

I really CAN'T believe how ditzy I was though because of course they wouldn't want people holding their urine in the waiting room. a.they TEST it! b. not aesthetically pleasing! there would be an awful lot of open cups of urine in the waiting room - an accident waiting to happen!

Yes at the emergency room people are often stuck holding their samples but with a lid.

It really was just all the distractions and I was really concerned about my consult.

Our neighbor said this is something Lucy would do and for me it is just another one of my Lucy moments. :)

MarlaQuack said...

when I was going in just for a UTI I was handed a cup with a lid to take to the bathroom. I always handed it back and said "happy birthday or merry christmas."

SeaSpray said...

Haha! Cute Marlaquack! I'm sure they appreciated the humor. :)

SeaSpray said...

Welcome to my world! :)

SeaSpray said...

LOL! GOOD ONE Peggy! :)

Claudia said...

OK, my urine story:
My dad is a joke-ster. One time when visiting him with my, then high school aged, daughter, we were getting in the car to go to a restaurant. As each person got into the car he held the door and said, "Urine, and urine, and urine." Of course, we all had a chuckle about that.

SeaSpray said...

LOL Claudia! Was your dad a UROLOGIST? ;) That's funny!

Thanks for stopping by. :)

I have so many referinces to urine on this blog that my D_I_L calls me PeaSpray! Haha!

A friend recently sent me an e-mail about guys peeing that I will probably post in a few days. I collect/write urine stories I guess. :)

Anonymous said...

Hee-hee, that's great. Oddly, I have firsthand experience of what a urologist sees when he scopes my bladder. I even have a picture:

He was trying to explain all this to me in the recovery room, but I was still loopy from the anæsthetics and had to ask him about it again later.

SeaSpray said...

Hi Madblogger - I'm glad you got a laugh out of the post. :) yes I have some uro pics too that I may put up down the road.

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