Sunday, January 6, 2008

Taser Classic ~ Earl ROTFL! :)

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Oh my gosh...this cracked me up! Of course it is easy to laugh when your not the one in pain but evidently the guy has a great sense of humor. A friend sent this to me in an e-mail tonight. You may have seen it before but even if you have... it is totally worth another read. :)

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea
is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to
retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in
two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button
AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and
I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with
this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with
only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my
cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was
reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought
about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of
it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to
my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance
that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD,

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that
hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left,
sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they end up there??? My triceps, right
thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still
looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their
safe return.

Still in shock, Earl
The Tampon Taser Gun (The Pink Stinger!)

I love it...the "friendly and familiar" TAMPON Taser Gun! Talk about marketing! And the pepper spray lipstick tube...well that intrigues me. But what is to say I "SeaSpray" (Lucy) won't in my haste rummaging through my pocketbook for a quick dab of lipstick, grab the wrong one? (BTW girls...I've got dibs on the BLUE tube!) And yes...I admit to being bad about applying this stuff while driving, but I've always said I could do it with my eyes closed. Then again pain isn't usually in the equation. ;) it me...or is the reporter just a little too breezy while promoting these potentially harmful products? I feel like we're being invited to a pajama party and we're gonna giggle and do fun girly things with weapons all night long. Sheesh! I'm perky but I expect her to break out into a cheer leading routine. Do downy feather stuffed pillows come with each purchase so we can frolic and break the pillows open on each other sending feathers everywhere while playing with these new fun toys?

About that "No Contact" jacket that sends out 80 thousand volts if the wearer decides to set it off. The reporter mentioned using it if someone in a crowd grabs you. Are there not other people around in a crowd? I have an image of a whole slew of people slammed to the ground around her while she stands defiantly above them. Wonder woman! ;)

I don't know if I trust myself with the "pink stinger" because if I had that at my disposal last night...there is a strong chance (even though I DO love him), that I may have harpooned the cat. I am convinced it was premeditated on his part. I was calmly and happily taking pictures of the antique cabinet and the items contained in it. The cabinet is near the Christmas tree. I didn't even know he was in the room. Out of no where he shot out like a rocket, flying low between me and the Christmas tree with its breakable glass ornaments ...sending shattered ornaments EVERYWHERE, causing me to shriek, followed with my yelling, "SNEAKERS YOU IDIOT...DAMN CAT!" as he disappeared in a flash to the other side of the house. Yes I did lose my temper momentarily but it was due to the fear/collateral damage factor. that moment, there was a good chance he may have found himself sprawled out across the angel on top of the Christmas tree with one zap of the "friendly and familiar pink stinger" taser gun. ;)

I know this is a serious subject's just the way she reported it that got me going. She seems like a nice lady though. Personally I'd rather have a pretty little signature turquoise glitter gun....and I guess I can... if I buy a glue gun. ;)



Rositta said...

It's funny but unfortunately the Taser not so much. There have been three deaths recently the most notable that made news world wide was in the Vancouver airport when the cops tasered an arriving passenger. Very sad...ciao

SeaSpray said...

Hi Rositta- That is very sad. I didn't know about that. As a matter of fact seriously don't know anything about tasers either. That was my point about her bubbly and upbeat reporting for a serious subject.

I actually thought it was a joke or maybe a company rep advertising.

If it can do all that...I wonder what it does to heart, etc.?
And I wonder WHY it caused death in those people? It's a little scary to think irresponsible people could be walking around with these things. BTW...if honest law abiding people that just want to protect themselves can by them well then so can the bad ones.

Lynn Price said...

You're right, Sea, the reporter should be tased herself for excessive bubbly-ness. Additionally, she actually said, "Decapacitated." Good grief - there is no such word as decapacitated!

What is it with these lower standards of journalism broadcasting? It's more appealing to laugh and jiggle our way through a serious subject and use improper English. No wonder I publish books...

SeaSpray said...


What's up with me and my twisted humor? I was amused at tasing my cat too. Can I blame it on peri-menopausal hormones surging through my being?? ;)

I didn't catch the decapacitated. LOL! Of course I am probably standing on thin ice there myself. I will have to go back and listen again.

She was very sweet and upbeat but it just didn't go with promoting products that can send 80,000 volts into someone. I actually went to google to verify that there really is the tampon taser as I wasn't sure it wasn't a YouTube joke.

Thanks for your input Lynn. :)

SeaSpray said...

FYI everyone...lest you think less of me now for being amused at tasing my own cat...he broke an unbelievable amount of ornaments. I had just placed a whole bunch of ornaments around a Christmas present because I was taking pictures of it for a future post. I then was taking pics of the cabinet. I know he must've been watching the whole time from the opposite side of the room but I didn't even know he was in there. (I think the tree and ornaments makes him frisky) I imagine that he probably was crouched very low, ears spread side ways with his rump wiggling for just the right moment to spring into action...which he did like an air born a flash. Scared the heck out of me and somehow managed to smash the ornaments dangling from the tree as well as the ornaments on the bottom. I checked him for cuts and he was fine. The only thing I can figure is that he shot through there with such force that the top ones fell and broke the bottom ones and glass flew everywhere!

I'm pretty sure if cats secretly laugh under their expressionless faces...that he was at the other end of the house ROTFLHAO! ;)