Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I Love Her

I had a nice visit with mom today. We didn't argue once.

When I saw her walking ever so feebly in the door...I felt instant fear and concern.

When did it change?

I still think she is going to be the healthy strong person she was and now she seems so frail. It takes my breath away.

I feel like I am going through it alone.

I have my husband and children but she's my mother.

It's just different for me.

There is this whole history there.

When something was wrong or upsetting regarding my mother..I had my uncles and aunt to go to..but they're dead. It's just me. I'm scared.

I hate that she lives alone.

Our younger son is so good with helping us with her. (Older son is married and busily working and taking care of his family.) He told me she caught her self from falling twice tonight while walking into her apt. He also had to help her lift her legs into the van. She keeps telling me how tired she is. I automatically think of her heart.

Many people who have their elderly parents in their life have to go through this.

It's so hard.

It hurts.

It's life.

When she fell a couple of weeks ago, my husband asked me if it was time for a nursing home.

No one wants to hear those words.

I said no... she has her mind and she is independent and she'd die without her cats.

Her walking doesn't seem all that steady.

And she seems weak.

She keeps telling me how heavy her pocketbook is or the Longaberger mug I gave her.

These little things we take for granted while in good health.

To everything there is a season.

I just pray that I know what to do and have the courage to do it if necessary.

The real sad thing here is that we don't have room to take her in. We do not and it breaks my heart.

I do believe she would thrive with us.

She is alone too much.

I can't get her to come over much though.

I know she enjoyed the hub bub and activity going on today...just daily family things.... life going on.

And not like the deafening silence day after day in her little closed in apartment. She lives so reclusively and I have a difficult time being in there.

Today I said to her that she should just come over and hang out more. Even if I'm busy...you can do what you want..I'll make you lunch and you can get out and get some light and do something different. It's nice having you around. I like making her comfortable and taking care of her here.

She said..well it all depends on what the weather is.

It's July and she lives 5 minutes away.

Sometimes when she's here... I even feel the closeness we had when I was a little girl before everything got so mixed up and we became strangers.

She would tell you that we are oil and water. We are.

An odd thing happened twice this week. I called her a couple of nights ago..and she answered the phone angrily.."WHAT?" And she did it again this morning. And this morning I realized... I had been picturing her..how she looked 30 years ago... vibrant, smooth skin and temperamental with me. (she's still got that firecracker temper) And then when I thought about her coming over today... I remembered that she's aged, gotten too thin and gaunt looking. Two totally different people. And I was sad. Sad for her..and sad for me.

Then I noticed she moves like a sloth when getting things out of her pocketbook or getting ready to go. Or when she is eating...it's like her eyes and all her energy is focused on that activity and I can't explain what it is that unnerves me.. except that I see it and it's different.

It's so different then when we more able bodied people can snap to, multi task and do whatever we need to do.

It seems her multitasking days are over.

Everything seems to take concentration and effort. Things we all take for granted...may not be so easy when we are elderly.

And I find I feel secretly mad at her. Not for the past things or her quick temper, that's a given... although I do forgive the past, but I am mad at her for aging..for all the things that scare me about her in this phase of her life.

I'd rather feel mad because it is better than being scared.

But I have heard that anger really comes from fear. When we get angry...it is because we are afraid of something.

I am afraid of losing my mommy.

I do regret all the wasted time.

It know wasn't all my fault.

I know she did her best.

I know she loved me.

It was what it was.

It is what it is.

I love her.


Elaine said...

Oh Seaspray, that was such a thoughtful post. It is worse for you to watch your mother growing older and less able than it is for your mother to go through it.

Believe me, I know....


Chrysalis Angel said...

It is a hard thing to watch our parents age.

SnowLite said...
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SeaSpray said...

Thank you Elaine. I hope so!

I suppose I am taking it even harder because I perceive her life to be lonely and tragic in some ways. I have always wanted and wished certain things for her..not within my power to do.

And perhaps not her choice. She is a loner and yet I don't know how happy she is with that.

I know you understand Elaine. You on the other hand embrace life and it's activities.

There's aging and there's aging.

I have often said I hope I age like some of the 90 + year olds I visited while doing Lifeline. they were amazing.

One used to call me child and I loved that. :)

Yes Chrysalis..it truly is.

passionstamper said...

I know what you mean Sea-I noticed at the last party that your mom is slowing down; very similar to what is happening to my aunt (but with her it's mostly because of the MS which has gotten so much worse). Thank God my mom (although slowing down too) is able to be there for my aunt-but I know one day, this responsibility will fall on me-their only living relative and it is frightening to have that responsibility, and to watch our loved ones age, develop illnesses and lose that vitality we remember so well. My friend Melissa is going thru it with her mom too, who is legally blind and totally depends on her husband, who is now showing signs of aging as well. We can only be there for them now, as you are doing for you mom-and pray for God to be merciful; give it to the Lord in prayer..and continue to do the best we can to be there for them to make them feel loved, comfortable and appreciated. And Seaspray, your mom KNOWS you love her...I can tell when she talks about you, she loves you too...