Friday, July 18, 2008

SeaSpray's P.U.P. - Pure Urine Procedure

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So cute! :)

For the longest time...I couldn't remember what my urologist was doing when he was getting a urine culture. All I knew is that he was going for the pure urine sample. So I always referred to it as the pure urine procedure..P.U.P. and was just called a urine culture. DUH! I really had a block to doing this because I find it very uncomfortable and it hurts. All I knew is that AGAIN he was going to do that thing to me ..that..that PUP!

What's embarrassing to me about this... is that because of the medblogs...I know...there are little old ladies everywhere having this very short little procedure right now...and they are as quiet as can be, not even a whimper...totally unaffected and probably knitting or making jam simultaneously.

And then there is me. When urodoc tells me he's doing a culture on me...he never believes me when I tell him "But...I don't make whizzie winkles anymore! It's not necessary now.?" (Alright..I don't say that, but I want to.)

As he leans in to start , I usually, desperately BLURT out "STOP! WAIT!" And he immediately stops. Now... when I do this..I have this feeling where I have to be ready... right up to that last crucial second. It all has to be synchronized. It's like with diving off the board..before you dive have to feel it... it has to be right. I feel like if we miss...there's no "we have touch down Houston" and then I will end up shooting off into a space vacuum of unnecessary or something like that.

Timing is everything!!!

Even on Percocet...I come close to hyperventilating. Urodoc tells me to breathe and BOY do I! The other day I told him tell me when to inhale and the second he says it...I inhale. And sometimes...rapidly between breaths... I say things like "I hate this!" "I can do this"... "Your mother wears army boots!" I'm KIDDING! I don't know his mother. :) And it's done. All that for ..well it feels like an hour but maybe 30-40 seconds ...and then I can breathe normally again. :)

I find that the kind of urology procedures I have..hurt or are exquisitely uncomfortable.

I had a hysterosalpingiogram once, with only an aspirin. The nurse held my hand, I did squeeze..but I never even whimpered. It hurt but it was a different sensation. I have had biopsies, needles and other painful things without medication. And all day into the evening..I never once yelled or cried out with a difficult labor..although I did hyperventilate toward the hand and had to breathe into a bag and began to say how difficult it was. I think with me..if I have a lot of pain or feel sick..I am prone to breathing so fast that I come close to hyperventilating. The inhales feel good and help the pain. Inhaling helps nausea too. If only there could be one long inhale.

Removing stents and going into my bladder really take the pain/sensations up a notch.... different from regular pain. And first two AWFUL in office stent removals with another urologist have jaded me and I am hypersensitive to all things urological. I don't know. It is what it is.

Am I proud of this? NO! Am I embarrassed that I don't handle it better? YES!

For all I know my urologist is doing a jig in his brain...but he is always patient with this patient and treats me with respect. I am pretty sure he will get a special reward in heaven... just because a girl named SeaSpray was his patient. :)


Deb said...

Hubby and I are LOL at the jigging cat.

Elaine said...

Oh Seaspray, I really feel for you(well, not quite, but you know what I mean). I think a lot of it boils down to the fact that you have had these rather painful invasive procedures done so often and some have been exquisitely painful. This means that you anticipate the pain before it even starts and that makes you tense up waiting for it to happen.

Many hugs in sympathy.

SeaSpray said...

Hi Deb- The idea of a jigging cat amuses me greatly. I'm glad you guys get a kick out of him. :)

SeaSpray said...

Hi Elaine- I got a little teary eyed when I read your thoughtful comment. I think you are exactly right.

Thank you for the validation, sympathy and hugs. I'm hugging you back. :)