Life is weird sometimes. It occurred to me while I was a patient in the hospital last Thursday/Friday, that 28 years ago, to the weekend I was in labor and gave birth in the maternity wing there.... and now here I was on another wing, dealing with these urology issues. It doesn't mean anything just intrigues me when these things happen.
Today, August 17th is my older son's birthday. I don't know why but I felt so emotional about him today and couldn't hug him enough and was teary eyed. I have never done that like that before. He is a grown man now with a family of his own, a terrific husband and father and yet I can look at his eyes and they still look like when he was little.
I had wanted a baby so much and we were ecstatic when I conceived. :) I very much wanted to deliver him the Lamaze way and practiced all my breathing etc.
The last thing I had to eat before starting labor was a big piece of watermelon at 9pm, Friday night.
At 1 am I had signs that labor was beginning and so I did exactly what the Lamaze instructor said not to do... I woke my husband up. :) By 3am I was taking a shower. My bags had long been packed and ready to go. By 5am my husband was writing a note telling our neighbors what to do with our dogs. We were ready to go... no where fast.
My contractions weren't consistently 5 minutes apart. So We were home all day. We were supposed to go to dinner over at Jack and Pat's with another couple..., but I canceled because of the labor. She called me and said are you sure because we're having... and chocolate zucchini cake for desert. ha! I only remember the desert! I thanked her but declined.
Now I was tired, hungry, anxious and frustrated! And my husband was eating dinner and I was jealous. I really was. :) So I went and laid on our bed and cried... which gave me a headache. I came out eventually. My contractions still weren't consistent. Pat came over after the other dinner guests left. One thing I remember her saying was about this lithograph of Montauk Lighthouse she gave us that I had framed. She was telling me that when you look at that think of Jesus as being the light of the world. I don't remember how she tied it into labor but she did.
Finally, the covering doctor told me to come in and so we were there by 11:30 pm. Right after getting prepped...my labor stopped and so was told to walk the halls. I began getting mild contractions. Anyway, the nurse suggested my husband get some sleep in the father's lounge. I was awake all night because the contractions kept waking me. My husband even left to get breakfast. i was happy for him but wished i was going too.
They began inducing me at 9am. A little while later the nurse came back in to ask if the contractions wee stronger. I as sitting up flipping through a magazine sucking on my little lemon lollipop, stopped looked up at her and lied to her face. I said oh yes they are. I guess I didn't look uncomfortable enough and she came in shortly and then the real fun began.
Not only was I having intense contractions but also the back labor. I think the back labor was worse! And the thing about that is that where you would normally get a breather when the contraction stopped...instead the back labor came on super strong and so there as absolutely no rest.
I kept whimpering, "My back, my back hurts so much." I caved and took pain medication and it still hurt like a son of a gun! When I asked for it a second time the nurse said no that I would be going in soon. I asked her to check me and so she did. But then... with complete surprise/concern on her face she said "You're dilated only 6 centimeters!"
When I saw that look on her face and knowing I was only at a 6... which I had been earlier and the labor was so horrendous... I hyperventilated. I had to breath into a paper bag because my fingers were tingling. The clock stopped moving and they came for blood work.
I never yelled or was mean in anyway to anyone. I just got to where I didn't want my husband to touch me anywhere because the pain was so great. I can still see him in the little tiny bathroom on the other side of the room pacing back and forth.
Finally I was in the OR. The surgeons were scrubbing. Someone said my ketones were high. (I hadn't eaten in 48 hours!) I was having a hard time with the pain and the anesthesiologist said "Can you hurry it up?" And one of the surgeons said "Do YOU want to do it?" I was told to count backwards and my next memory was of being wheeled back to my room where my husband was waiting for me.
The night nurse asked me if I would like to see our son. I will never forget this as long as I live.
She stopped in the doorway and unwrapped the blanket around him and held him up in the air for me to see his entire little body.
Oh my gosh! I experienced such a rush of love! All the love I ever felt in my entire life just rose up and flew out of me, right over to him and completely enveloped him. What a beautiful feeling!
She brought him over to me and laid him on my chest where he immediately began breastfeeding. He latched on like a little vacuum cleaner. I breast fed him for 9 months and the 1st five months he existed solely on my breast milk. What an awesome feeling that was... seeing our baby boy grow from milk he was getting from me. I felt one with the universe when I was nursing our sons. I wouldn't trade that experience for anything.
Jonathan was 10 days late, weighed in at10lbs,10 oz, 23 inches long and was born at 10:04 pm.
Even though I was thrilled with our new baby boy... I began to get depressed in the hospital because I thought I failed.
I thought I failed because I didn't birth him vaginally the Lamaze way.
I thought...if only I didn't take drugs.
If only I didn't panic and hyperventilate.
If only I wasn't so tired.
*** A couple of weeks prior, I had a pelvimetry to determine if the baby would fit through my pelvic bones and they said yes.
So I thought it was my fault.
Especially when the nurse told me that some little woman delivered a 12 pound bay vaginally!
I told my doctor at I was feeling a little depressed over it and he said "You have a beautiful, healthy baby!" I was very grateful for that... but I missed my goal. But my priorities were mixed up!
Then it was my friend Pat who said... It's a good thing he was a C-section if he was too big for you. Babies are born with cerebral palsy from damage at birth or worse.
I don't know why.. but her saying THAT is what sunk in and I finally understood. And then I was GRATEFUL he was a C-section baby.
Sometimes I am hard on myself over the dumbest things. Sometimes things just are what they are.. no more and no less and we should just be grateful when it's all good.
Then a funny thing and not!
My doctor had me on a liquid diet post-op. But when they came in with only jello and soup on Wednesday night... I asked the nurse why. She looked at that and said."You nursing! You should be eating food now!" They brought a hot meal.
The next morning...my doctor apologized when he came in. He told me he forgot to change the orders!
So I hadn't eaten a morsel of food in 5 days, specifically 116 hours. O would say that lack of food and nursing... I was overflowing with high ketones.
If you doubt your orders...verify, verify.
Part II - Gift of the Lord :)
The following is about how I almost miscarried him and the events that were going on at that time. This is long and I am putting it all here for me to refer back to at some point. I had journaled this elsewhere. There is actually more to the beginning of the story and so sometime i will put it all together.
After going through infertility testing, etc., I conceived Jonathan November 13, 1979. I had also been prayed over, anointed with oil and with hands laid on me a few times for me to conceive. The most recent was at 2 gatherings, 11/8/79 and 11/10/79 (There is more to this story but keeping it short for this post- interesting spiritual journey and cool things happened)
I began hemorrhaging badly one Sunday nite and J wasn't home. I was only about 5 weeks pregnant. I was feeling perfectly fine. I was walking through the kitchen and was wearing a nightgown with nothing underneath. All of a sudden I felt this warm gush dripping down my legs and it was blood pouring out of me and onto the floor. I had this sensation of sinking through the floor because I was instantly overcome with fear... and like my legs had turned to rubber..or something like that.
I didn't clean anything and ran right into bed and prayed. We didn't have a phone in the bedroom at the time and so I just laid there alone. When J came in he called the doctor who said for me to stay in bed and he wanted to see me the next night.
I was so scared and my heart was breaking. I only got up to use the bathroom when I absolutely had to and blood filled the bowl. I wasn't cramping though.
The next morning, my husband went to work and I stayed in bed all day. If I used the bathroom... blood filled the bowl, but still no cramping.
The only phone we had was on the kitchen wall and so when it rang, I did not get up to answer it.
Later that afternoon, someone was knocking on the door. I didn't get up to answer it. They kept knocking...insistently. I stayed in bed. They kept knocking! I couldn't stand it and got up muttering "Why doesn't the paperboy just GO AWAY?"
But when I opened the door...it was my dear friend Pat who immediately whisked me back into bed.
When she couldn't get me on the phone earlier in the day, she stopped where my husband works and asked about me. After he told her, she went home...got some books and came over to me. She was with me when we had gone to the unexpected healing service on November 10th. She knew I was prayed over to have a baby.
Ever the teacher and my mentor... she reminded me of the healing service and that my conceiving was a gift from God. She said that when God does something good...satan will come around and try to steal/destroy the blessing...but that this is when you need to stand strong and activate your faith... hold on to the blessing... no matter what the circumstances seem to be.
She then showed me some books she wanted me to read about faith and healing and a tape to listen to, along with some little tracts. I still have them today. :)
And she took my hand and prayed an amazing prayer for our baby and me.
Then she got a large pot and helped me get washed and dressed because it was almost time to go to the doctor.
Every time I stood upright, blood gushed out... but it didn't this time.
When I got undressed at the OBGYN's office... there wasn't a spot of blood on my pad.
After the exam, the doctor told me that my cervix was closed...but that because this happened...I had a 50-50 chance of keeping the baby. He ordered me to complete bed rest until the next office visit.
So, I couldn't Christmas shop or do anything but it didn't matter... all I wanted was our precious baby. I felt fine the whole time... but I rested like I never have in my entire life.
I went back to the next appointment a month later and after the exam, the doctor told me that my uterus wasn't as large as it should be and he thought I had lost the baby. My heart sank. There are no words to describe the depth of sadness I was feeling.
He sent me for a urine pregnancy test.
I was STILL pregnant... Praise God!!!
Not only was I pregnant... but Jonathan was born 10 days late and weighed in at 10lbs, 10 oz and 23 inches long, born at 10:04 pm.
Pat told me that 10 was the biblical number for completion. So it seemed that God was telling us that the miracle was complete... his gift of a new baby was complete.
I chose the name Jonathan because it means "Gift of the Lord" and what a precious and wonderful blessing he has been. :)