I am a bit nervous about tomorrow. I have not seen urodoc since the day of my surgery and so am not sure of what he is planning to tell me. I am so very much praying for good news.
My urodoc is terrific and I am so comfortable with him... I feel like I can ask him anything now and I think he understands me as much as any doc can understand their patients. It helps me to know he knows my case inside out and he understands how I feel about the surgery... that I DON'T want to do it! He has worked with me in this and I am grateful for that and the option he gave me of being stented once a year... which I am seizing upon..at least for now.
The reason I am concerned something is wrong that may cause him to say.. do the surgery...is because he kept me NPO post op until evening in case I had to go back into the OR. He NEVER did that before. And when he called me from the OR to check on me... he was happy to hear I wasn't in a lot of pain. He said if I was then I would have to come back in to get stented and need the surgery. He said that my damage is more than a centimeter and is why it is not healing like it needs to. Those aren't his words verbatim, but the gist of what he said as I understood him.
I feel like I am walking on a tightrope just trying to make it to the other side. I have my reasons for not wanting to do the surgery. I thought I was healed. I had 16 wonderful months of no problems. My renal scans were good. I'd like to say that no pain means I am fine...but obviously that is not the case. Ha! And pain... doesn't necessarily mean I am blocking! I know he will test me more often now...at least I think that is the plan.
I used to ask urodoc questions ad nauseam ... back on 2006 and early 2007. But I was so afraid and all of this was so knew to me. Now I know how to cope with it and things to expect, etc., and so do not have any problem working around and with this condition. And I have another surgeon lined up if I HAVE to do it. So where everything was a rollercoaster ride of emotions to me back then...they are not now. Been there..done that. Thankfully urodoc was very patient with me. This summer..after this most recent event... I just thought.. no..I am not asking anything... it will be what it will be.
Reading all the med blogs has enlightened me to the plights of a physicians time and rate of reimbursement and I don't want to cost him money, etc... so I am trying to be sensitive to that.
I have to say to my doctors credit... if he sees I am concerned...he takes his time with me.
This surgery is nothing to sneeze at. It is a high risk surgery for me...hence my resistance. In one way...I am putting my life on hold... I know. Where I would have breezily gone into surgeries before... THIS ONE has the OR staff trying to wheel me into the OR...but they can't because I have all fours braced against the doorway holding myself out.
I actually have two separate urology issues but the 2nd one takes a back seat to this. I realize the 2nd one will have to be addressed too and I was stalling on that.
I have said that regarding the urology issues I am between a rock and a hard place.
Can't I just cancel this? Wave a wand? Make it all go away? Please.
I know, I know...life doesn't work that way and we have to do what we have to do.
And maybe he has another solution.?
I don't care what it looks like...I STILL believe in MIRACLES! :)