Saturday, January 24, 2009

Perspective






















Betwixt and between.

Restless.

Uncommunicative.

I don't like where I am.

I do not.

I will like where I want to be.

Where I hope to be.

Where I believe I'll be...

In the end.

It's the getting there...

That's the challenge.

The past is ...

A comfort zone..

Familiar.

I look forward to

The future...

Well... most of it.

I am... afraid of ...

Losing my mother.

What matters...

Is the now.

And I know...

We only have the now.

We can't go back.

We cant fast forward.

I do appreciate...

The good things.

I do.

I have needed to ...

Distance.

Not sure why.

As a wounded animal...

Goes off to heal.

I wish...

I could bypass...

So many things.

I feel like ...

I need to recreate...

Within myself.

Distance.

Time.

Renew...

In...

My quiet place.

I think most of us must have our seasons in life..where we have things we have to face...even though we don't want to.

I am there now.

I don't like it.

But it doesn't matter.

I have to keep pressing through.

I have to do...

What I have to do.

I can't help but wonder what good things are up ahead because I believe when you go through the tough times... things have a way of balancing out or even becoming so much better.

I look forward to the good things on their way... to experience at the right time.

To everything...

There is a season.

4 comments:

Chrysalis Angel said...

I'm thinking of you.

SeaSpray said...

Thank you angel. I miss your blog and seeing you around. :)

Mottsapplesauce said...

I know exactly where you're at Seaspray. The only difference is that my situation wasn't so drawn out, so to speak (it seemed like an eternity to me at certain moments). Nevertheless, we are here. So blog away when you feel up to it. I'm trying to muster up the courage to do the same. I have so much to say but don't know where to start yet.

SeaSpray said...

I know you understand MottsA. You are going through a much more difficult time and I am so sorry for your loss.

Sometimes just picking up a pen and note pad and writing about anything..no editing... just go with the flow...will not only be cathartic... but you may find thoughts/feelings come out that you weren't expecting or shed light on something.

Thank you for your support.

I think the worst is regrets about what I could have done with/for mom and didn't do. I was not mean, rude or intentionally hurtful..although snappy when she got snappy... but I avoided.

There were reasons (it was complicated)but when you get to this point...it seems crystal clear.

But it takes 2. Still I know I could've done more and it hurts like heck to see her this way and to know I will never have the chance again.

I feel I have failed as a daughter.

I don't know if I will ever get past this. Maybe if we could have some kind of meaningful closure.