Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Thought Processes of a SeaSpray -Abra - Cadaver! and "Oh my God!"

While riding over to see mom tonight, I ended up stopping at a red light..a ridiculously l-o-o-n-g red light... behind a plumbing and heating van.

Feeling bored... I decided to read the sign the plumber had on the back of his van.

ABRA-CADABRA (they split the word apart)
Plumbing, Heating and Air conditioning
phone numbers

I decided I didn't like the name because it reminded me of a cadaver.

Plumbing, Heating and Air Conditioning.
phone numbers

Then it occurred to me that I might be hanging out in the med blogasphere just a little too much,
but then I imagined cadavers in the back of the van. EEEWWWWW!

And then I started to giggle at the thought of doing incantations to deliver a cadaver. Need a cadaver? Call us and we'll conjure one up for you! More than one cadaver? ..GROUP RATES!

"Yay! The light turned green! Go! Go! Go! Go!"

Now next light is less then a block away and for some reason it turns red real fast and so your lucky if you are the 3rd car to get through before it turns red. If there is a pokey person in front of you ..forget it..your sitting at another red light. So...when you manage to get through the ridiculously l-o-o-n-g red light... you basically have to turn left and TEAR out of there like a bat out of you know where! (You just KNOW a sadistic person set the lights up that way!) I am so right on the persons' tail. In this case.. tonight it was the CADAVER van!

Just to give you an image. I always feel like I am in that scene with John Candy and Steve Martin in Planes, Trains and Automobiles where they just backed into the motel wall, knocking it down... and then they slipped out of there real fast while slipping and sliding on ice... but they make a fast getaway. I ALWAYS think of that scene, hear the music too... when I am trying to speed through that light.

So..sure enough... I have the same feelings, I hear the same music, I'm tearing through that light on the van's tail... but imagined all the ABRA-CADAVERS flying out... into my windshield and running over them. EWWW!

Fortunately the CADAVER van drove straight and I turned off onto another road.

Admit it...y'all have weird thoughts and imaginations too! :)

But then I had a real SCARE!
As I was at the other end of the hall... on my mother's floor, walking toward her room... one of the aides walked out of her room with bedding in her hands. She didn't see me as she was continuing down the hall.

I figured she just put my mother in bed.

I walked in the room.

The light was low and Mom's curtain was drawn out far enough to hide her bed from the hallway. I walked past the curtain to her side of the room...only to see a white sheet pulled up over her face and head!!!!

"Oh NO! It was an OMEN!"

I froze on the spot at a distance from her bed... speechless, but then cautiously said, "M-o-m?"

With my feet still firmly planted to the spot I froze in, I leaned closer toward her, "M-o-m?"

"Nothing! Wait...the aide was just in here. She wouldn't leave the sheet over Mom's head if she was only sleeping... Oh my God! She's DEAD!" And with that thought...I tried to see if she was breathing and I couldn't tell... but I wasn't wearing my glasses. It seemed the sheets were faintly moving by her stomach area. She was sort of on her side. Then I propelled forward and shouted, "MOMMY?!" And with that she answered "What?" under the sheet.

"WHAT do you have a sheet OVER your head for?"

"I'm cold."

I was gonna tell her I thought she was dead but thought better of it because I didn't want to mar the happy visit.

But ... for a couple of minutes after ...I felt like "Oh my GOD!" coursing through my veins.

Even though the room was hotter than an inferno...I covered her with the bedspread and her own large quilt before I left. I tucked her in all the way up and around her chin. She was as snug as a bug in a rug. She was happy about that. :)

I also put her Glen Miller big band tape on. Her eyes were already closed when I kissed her goodnight and told her I loved her.

P. S. This is sad.. but maybe it is common..I don't know.

During these last few years...I would occasionally have thoughts of finding mom..not alive. The thought really scared me. I know these things happen... but I am glad that she is in the nursong home if this is how weak and frail she has become.

You might think I was joking with what I wrote bout her above, especially because I had those inane cadaver thoughts... But I was not. It was actually quite traumatic for me to see the sheet over mom's head like that and I was feeling all the extreme emotion I indicated...not believing it, too frozen with fear to really move.

The humor of it (only because she is very much alive) does not escape me, particularly because I had just imagined all those magic cadavers in the van. I guess you call it black humor. If you don't laugh you cry. Humor helps me cope.

I also checked her lip color and over all skin tone. She seems so small, frail and old to me now. It scares me to see her this way.

I am so grateful we have this time together now.


Chrysalis Angel said...

You had me cracking up about the "Cadaver" van. I thought it too, when I started to read what you wrote.

I feel for you, and all you're going through with your mom. It is hard to see your loved ones look so frail and tiny. It was kind of cute though, her answering you from underneath the covers. I could just picture it.

Sometimes, during these stages, you just have to find some of the things comical. I can remember my loved one ditching their walker in a linen closet, then sneaking out of the nursing center. They were found in the parking lot trying to find a car with the keys in it. We could only joke about them trying to commit grand theft auto, but it was such a sad thing too.

SeaSpray said...

I am so relieved angel! I worried that people would think I was irreverent because I mentioned my fright about mom after a humerous post.

But it was so odd that I had cadaver thoughts and then I walk in and mom had the sheet over her!!

Did I over react because of my silly imagination with cadavers hence on my mind? But I have seen dead bodies covered up in the ER. True they are flat on back... but I wasn't wearing contacts or glasses and I didn;t go right up to her bedside.

When I saw the sheet over her head... I stopped short and out a bit opposite the corner of her bed. I was closer to the window.

I couldn't tell she was breathing. Then I thought so faintly.

My son asked me today why I didn't just go shake her.

i don't know. Fear..disbelief..fear.

I do chuckle at the absurdity of her talking to me under the sheet! And she made NO effort to take it off her face and I think would've continued talking through it. I yanked it down!

So your loved one made the great escape? That's funny..scary and sad.

If you don't laugh... you cry.

Sometimes...I just look at my visits as a journey. i wonder who I will be and where we will be in her conversations. I usually go with the flow.. but I also correct her. It depends on what it is.