Saturday, April 25, 2009

Haven't Known What to Post

I find the waves of sadness so hard.

Most of us go through it.

And the guilt with grief is toxic... although I am a little better with the guilt.

I will always regret I didn't go in those last two days and some other things I didn't do I planned to do. I had the time... but delayed. How is it that your mind and eyes can tell you what is really going on and thus your common sense tells you..you don't have a lot of time...and yet... there is this other place in the brain that you..or I should say I go to...that causes me to act like I have forever? I think that is the denial center of the brain. I even had some feelings that week and attributed it to guilt for not being there. I knew and told her I wouldn't be until after Wednesday. We saw her on Easter. But DAMN! Thursday? Friday? In 6 months... I only had 3 -5 day absences.. well a week on one because i was sick. BUT... I ALWAYS called her.

She lost her ability to pick up the phone to call me or answer it or we would've talked much more. And she apparently didn't think to ask them to call me. I had posted a hot pink 8x11 paper over her night stand where the phone was. In black magic marker I posted my name, relationship and phone number, requesting that ANYONE, please call me at ANY time and give the phone to my mother because she was unable to do that without assistance.

I didn't care who called for her, nurses, aids, dietary, housekeeping, etc... but only ONE aide did.

God bless her. I thanked her often and we bonded somewhat. I will talk more about her another time.

But she was the ONLY one. I know..I could've made a fuss... but I am not usually that way and I know they are short staffed and busy. But ...now..I think I should have.

DAMN 20-20 hindsight!

If the aide didn't call..I would call the nurse's station, asking them to please go to my mother's room and answer the phone... but it was a hassle because you have to go through the main switchboard to be connected to the station in another building and they hardly picked up the phone and it would ring and ring and then revert back to the switchboard. I also felt like I was bothering them. I did do it though... on days I couldn't be there. Not every one..but I made sure I called so she wouldn't think I forgot her.

But this last week was the 1st time...in 6 months since she'd been there that I did not call at all.

I just can-NOT-b-e-l-i-e-v-e I did not visit or call her last 5 days on earth!

If I hadn't been working on taxes..I would've been there in beginning of week!

If my stomach hadn't been bothering me... I would've gone Thursday!

And if the nurse after calling me to inform me of her acute urinary retention w/distended abdomen that was relieved with a foley catheter... hadn't said, "She's fine and talking."...I would've gone in that day. My stomach still bothering me...I asked because I was thinking of not going if they were all interacting with her and she was alright. So..when she said that...i said..I will be in tomorrow.

But she wasn't "FINE". They never told me about some other things... that had I known... I would've been concerned and been right there.

And then about 5 hours later I got the frantic call from a supervisor stating she was bleeding heavily from her intestines.

I don't blame them for my not going in because I am the one who still made the choice..thinking she was alright and one more day wouldn't matter.

Or maybe I do... because they call me to inform me for a stupid med change... but didn't call to tell me they were wondering why she was so lethargic and wanted to sleep, or that her coumadin was very high, or that she began refusing food on Thursday evening (dinner).

They called in beginning of week to tell me she has a small open sore that they are treating..had good borders and would heal nicely.

I asked about the sore Friday after noon and she said it was healing nicely.

I blame us all. Them for not communicating better with themselves and me and me..for not being there or calling.

I have been wondering if with the dementia she forgot I was doing the taxes and said I'd be in after Wednesday? And I wonder if not at least hearing my voice caused her to feel forgotten?

And I wonder if those things caused her to feel sad and to give up?

And I wonder if she suffered?

And I wonder if she was scared?

Did she know something was wrong and couldn't articulate it?

Would my being there have made a difference because I may have seen that something was wrong? Many times I had been her advocate..getting help for her or insisting (politely) that something was done.

But..I wonder if I dropped the ball?

Over last few months she winced and complained of pain.."Stating it hurts. Help me. help me."

I did inform staff.

I even questioned the neurologist last month.

I told her I felt my mom may be having intestinal problems because even though she complains about pain elsewhere... she was ... in my opinion consistent about that area.

Part of the problem was that I'd get someone... and when they came back in..she'd say it was her head or seem content. It was intermittent too.

One day while on phone with her she started out of the blue stating it hurt, it hurt. She got mad at me as I tried to find out specifically where. Then I heard D, her aide ask her where it hurt and she said "The bleeding!" (How ironic) then "My Foot!" *sigh*

So I asked the neurologist how we can tell( I may have already written this here..don't recall.) if the pain is real and if so where? She said" You can't" Then I said, "So...I guess each person should be treated with dignity and respect..believing it is real and find out why.?" She agreed.

She did order a C-spine x-ray and head CT that day. Both came back with results consistent with what was going on with her. She had severe osteoporosis, but nothing especially indicative of neck pain. her head CT came back with normal arterial aging..or something like that.

One thing I do wonder... is that they said she had Alzheimers (she was nothing like the residents I saw in the hallways -totally out of it and extreme in behaviors. She couldn't find the words to articulate some thoughts. Like one night she said..I don't know why I can't tell you what I had for dinner. She mixed up my son for my husband when making an introduction..and other times she knew. And she could respond appropriately in conversation..most of the time. Her familial facts were mixed up. The aides told me she spoke about her mother a lot and she called the day aide Patty. (I am gong to miss hearing that.. Patty..ha! or Patreesha! when she was mad at me.)

And I get a kick out of how her doctor's office staff, the ladies in her building..they all called me Patty.. because she did. Only my close childhood friend and family call me Patty and the occasional stranger. I do like it... and of course Patricia. (Still refer to myself as Pat though.)

I regret missed opportunities...so many missed opportunities.

It's not the things I did wrong as much as the missed opportunities that bother me.

I don't even know what to write in this blog right now.

Maybe I shouldn't have announced the GI bleed in this blog, but I was hoping for collective prayer. I very much believe in the power of prayer... but healing wasn't meant to be this time. I know she has now experienced total healing in heaven.

There are so many things I wonder about her last days as I get bits and pieces. ???

Take it from me...if there is ANYTHING you can think of you want to tell someone you love, do it for them ..do it NOW. I think we all tend to put off what we can do today..for another time... but then it never seems to come... because we get busy...or whatever. Good intentions...

Gone forever is a long time... on this side of life.

I can't believe I will never do anything with her again. I feel such a void. No more visits to the nursing home to see Mom.

I will miss seeing some of the residents I used to visit briefly with en route to Mom's room and back out again. I would like to go back to see them again... but I don't know if I can. Most of them are forgotten people. When I go there to see them...I will remember that I didn't go see mom those last 2 days... and if I didn't go see my own mother on her last 2 days here... how can I go see strangers? Someone told me that doing that would honor her. I do need to go tell her one friend there. they used to shop together and I'd wheel mom down to see her..even though Mom didn't interact much.

The irony to this all too is that on the 25th... this friend, the evening aide and I thought Mom looked better and was alert and I was hopeful this new med was helping her. And then

But I am also very much beating myself up for not being in to see her those last 2 days...when I think something was going wrong and staff missed it. (I have a lot to say about this in due time) The truth is I wasn't feeling well with my stomach..but I certainly could've over ridden it and if only I had gone in.

I used to visit her 2-3 times a week. Staff tells me I was in the top 3 families that visit their family member. Some get none and they..the staff are their only family. It is a sad/difficult environment and I am so glad I brought my granddaughter so she could see her great grandmother and also see other people in need of love ...but more on that a different time too. My mother and the other residents LOVED seeing her. She's 7 and little children... I think breathe life into a place like that.

I will miss the staff.. There were good things too. I actually liked where she was... but they were short staffed. They have been supportive to me. I had befriended a lot of them and had my routines in the place. They let me use their break room to get mom fresh coffee.

I always LOVED how she loved a good cup of coffee and it always felt so good to give it to her there. Other wise..she only had whatever they give you in those little plastic mugs on your dinner tray and we all know that is never very good.

I have so many things to say about all of this.

I really don't know what to write in this blog.

I don't want to lose the few consistent readers I have because I am writing about a depressing topic. I think first and foremost..our blogs are for us..the authors... but as I have come to know some of you and hopefully will get to know others... I have tried to be interesting here... every now and then anyway.

I don't know how all of this is going to evolve..in terms of writing about my mother and these experiences..things I've learned, insights gained and yes regrets too.

I hope that I will experience inner healing as I work through these things via my writing. I also hope that Some of you will share your thoughts and insights as you feel led to do so if you read anything... and I hope that maybe I will be of some help to someone who may happen to read my words..perhaps giving them some insights.

Or..maybe I won't write about it here at all. I don't know.

For me... my favorite things I've written are the humorous posts..the inane, zany posts... because I like to laugh. Or writing about the ridiculously funny things that happen to or because of me. Lucy and I could be kindred spirits.

Laughter is healing.

And it's fun.

Hopefully that SeaSpray will be back soon. :)

Friday night was so hard, but I am glad we were all there.

I am also very glad that I have been writing about Mom and my experiences/feelings and the tender moments between us since July. And even the negative things that annoyed me. Perhaps the positives will reaffirm that I did love her and do things more than I realize now and the negatives will bring a clearer perspective thus enabling me to realize that all my perceived failures weren't entirely my fault because it takes 2 and also..life circumstances. But I did make mistakes.

You should see all the things I wrote that never got posted!

At least now..when ready..I can go back and reprint all of these things and perhaps make a nice journal to be picked up and read any time.

I wish I took pics of her in the nursing home but she always got mad at me when I took pictures of her and I have many pictures with something in front of her face. I do have pictures though. Son videotaped her on Easter and she didn't care. Had I realized that..I would've had some pictures taken with her.

I started to appreciate little things on Thursday. Before that...it was like I was in a timeless tunnel. So weird. Waves of realization still hit... but they aren't as wipe out crushing as they had been. Now aside from a bacterial infection I was being treated for...I also have the mother of all colds I caught from younger son... on top of that and so have been down for the count physically.

I know it will be a process.

8 comments:

Ellen Kimball said...

SeaSpray, I hope your outpouring of feelings has helped you. My mother and I had a terrible argument the night before she died. I was in a hospital in Massachusetts being treated for depression, and she was alone in her apartment in Florida. My father had died in October 1988; they were inseparable and she went downhill fast after that. She passed away in March 1991.

It still troubles me that the police found her sitting upright at the kitchenette table with a glass of water in her hand. She probably did not suffer, the police told me when I retrieved her purse. My husband and I and a dear friend from college helped vacate the apartment. It was a very difficult task, but we did it in just a few days. I have a few trinkets she left, but most things were scarred from cigarette burns.

I do have her one gold necklace with an "E" on it. Her name was Estelle, and mine is Ellen.

I hope that time will help you heal. I'm not really good in the death and dying department because I really don't believe in an afterlife, and the thought of ending is quite overwhelming as I move into my 70th year on May 31. Mom was only 71 when she passed away.

My daughter and I are somewhat closer, but I wonder how it will be when I am old. She might be called to take care of me. No one wants to be a burden on their family. I'm such a headstrong person that I wonder if I will find more solace with a non-family member than within it.

Anyway, have a wonderful Sunday and I will light a memorial candle for SeaSpray's mother tomorrow.

Warm regards,

Ellen K.

Rositta said...

Could have, would have, should have,...been there, done that in spades. Even though I had major input in my mothers care the last few weeks she spent in a hospital it did no good whatsoever and guilt, yes I have that too. I keep telling myself I should have done more, yet there was nothing I could have done. The same with my husband who just came back from burying his Mom in Greece. It's even worse for him because he only saw her once a year for a couple of months. He too is suffering from guilt even though he knows that we could never have lived in Greece and she could not come here. We are all human and we all do the best we can so vent as much as you need and remember, healing will come with time...hugs

Chrysalis Angel said...

We love you, Seaspray.

therapydoc said...

You're doing a good job working it out, seems. Nobody said it was easy, right?

SeaSpray said...

Dear Ellen - I'll tell you what I have decided to tell myself and I do think it is true for everyone at various times to more or lessor degrees.

And as you know..I have been hard on myself.

I think that our best is not always going to be someone else's best and it may not even be our best... but it is our best at that time.

A counselor told me once..years ago...when I was grieving over someone..who had a difficult personality.. but I loved very much, that when someone dies..we tend to glorify the person..forgetting the wrongs they did and taking on all the guilt for our own mistakes with that person. But..there are no perfect people and they made their mistakes and have their regrets too.

Still..I know this and believe it... but when I think of missed opportunities..it hurts.

they would not want us to suffer with grief or guilt.

I do understand how you feel and I know you understand too.

I had it easier regarding her apartment because she was still alive and in the nursing home. I am so glad it worked out that way. I don't know that I could've dealt with her death and do all that I know was involved in cleaning out her apartment.

We had a complicated relationship in our early days and being in her apartment reminded me of those times and so it was very difficult for me to do. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do and thank God for family's help..although I spent a lot of alone time..crying, remembering uncomfortable things, having my heart pulled out over sentimental things, feeling sorry for her that she wasn't coming back to her own place with her cats ever again and all of that stuff.

It does sound like your mother did not suffer. And as far as your argument... you didn't know that would happen just as my not going in those last couple of days..I thought I could see her the next day. And both of us..if we knew how things would be... we would've done things differently and perhaps your mom would have too. (My mother had dementia)

Your necklace is a nice keepsake. I have too many things and am wrestling with myself to get rid of things I do not have room for but I feel like I am throwing her out..which is ridiculous. (We brought a lot of things from her apartment over 0I am too too too sentimental)

Oh Ellen...i so very much believe in an afterlife. I have read so much about it. it is from the Christian perspective and so I believe we just as Christ was able to materialize into the disciple's room where they were hiding, could be physically touched and hug and cooked fish on the beach.. which he ate and then when time ascended into heaven with his immortal body..it is a type for what we can expect. There is a scripture that says we will be known as we are known.

We bring our knowledge, experiences, personalities with us and they will continue to grow but in perfection.

I don't mean to go on or be offensive. I have read about heaven for many years and been fascinated by it.

In my profile I talk about a book "Within the Gates", by Rebecca Springer. I have a bunch of them. the 1st one was given to me by a dear friend and I loved it so much..she got me a 1st edition which has even more in it and is from the Victorian era. I oordered a whole bunch of condensed ones and used to keep them with me when I worked and so if someone shared they lost a loved one and I perceived they would like the book..I gave it to them for comfort. They all wanted one..including a Jewish woman. I am trusting it gave comfort to all.

I just feel sad when I hear people don't believe anything after this life and everything in me wants to exclaim..joyfully... but there IS so much more...this is just the beginning!

You might think..well SeaSpray..if you believe all that..then what are you so upset about? I am sad that I didn't do all I could've for mom. I am bothered that I missed signs of things going wrong before anything was obvious. It is only with hindsight..that I realize it was obvious. But she also didn't tell me and would yell at me sometimes when I wanted to help or made suggestions. Still there were openings that perhaps I could've done better or made a difference.

I will be writing about this sometime. maybe I can help someone else who reads my words written with 20-20 hindsight.

Thank you for sharing your story and feelings. I find sharing our stories to be both cathartic and healing.

Having been what I have been through and with the regrets that I have... Ellen..I think you should think about what you might want and talk with your daughter.

I think it is so hard when there aren't any plans in place... not that we can always plan. It's uncomfortable to discuss these things... but like wills..it could save a lot of stress.

one night I was really frustrated with mom. Before all this stuff happened. i exclaimed"If I EVER do the things grandma is doing...TELL me!" Older son said, "Oh don't worry mom...we'll just put you in a nursing home." Wise guy! :)

And if you haven't already done it...if possible..have a talk with her and let her know you love her, ask her to forgive you for any mistakes and forgive her if anything. Take what you have felt and use it to make it better for your daughter and you. Please forgive me if I have overstepped my bounds. That is what I hope I will do.

Also, my e-mail is in blog..feel free to e-mail anytime.

Thank you for your kind words. :)

Yes Rositta... as I have been talking with different people on line..I am hearing the same thing and I realize..indeed..we all go through it in one way or another.

Some just have more reason to feel guilty than others but it's counterproductive to having peace about the loved ones. They would not want us to do this guilt thing.

O know from all you have written that you were there for your moms and were blessed with your love.

My Scottish grandparents never saw their families again. that must've been so hard.. but I guess that happened a lot in those days.

Thank you for your support.

Thank you Chrysalis Angel. We love YOU too. :)

Thank you Therapy Doc.

My writing is definitely cathartic for me.

No definitely not easy.

I am very grateful for all the writing I did about our communicating our feelings, apologies, forgiveness and the tender moments as well as some imperfect ones too.

I will be able to go back and read these things when ready and am thinking of printing out and compiling into a journal.

SeaSpray said...
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SeaSpray said...
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SeaSpray said...

Here are a few more sweet comments that were said in Sid Schwab's "Cutting Through the Crap" blog. I asked permission to transfer over here and he graciously gave me permission. Thank you Dr s. :)

We never know who is meandering through our blogs... and so I hope that these kind words by these people and all of you who have commented, will perhaps help others who may be wrestling with the same feelings. Or if they aren't... that these words... will maybe cause them to think about their loved ones and perhaps act on their feelings now... before the opportunity is gone.

I would also encourage them/you to read the kind comments in my previous post (Mom Died)because thoughtful comments are a blessing to one's spirit.

Thank you to all of you. You did help me feel better and I am glad I will have these words to come back to to read as needed for comfort.

When I posted these comments previously I didn't have mine in there and so thought I should put the whole thread so it ties together.

The following is the comment thread over at Dr Schwabs's blog:

From me:
Well if this isn't an ironic twist in reactions!

"A reminder -- a hope, at least -- that there was something more out there; maybe, eventually, available to us all."

While I don't know of these spiritual things you speak of...what your post did for me was remind me of my faith and how my perceptions have changed greatly recently... understandably so.

And yes...there is a strong connection between mind and body...which is why..i know I need to get a grip.

My mother died of an intestinal GI bleed in the ED Friday night.

I have been taking it extremely hard..I think because of our complicated history and knowing, feeling I should've done more...particularly these last few years. even these last 6 months in the nursing home. but we bonded more and we did love each other.

I have been beating myself up with the should've would've could'ves.

I know sometimes our best isn't other people's best or even our best... but maybe it is our best at the time. Sucks though...when you could've done more.

maybe it was denial..thinking I have more time. The whole thing was a huge adjustment.

I was beating myself up for not going the last 5 days she lived. I had planned thurs/Fri but didn't because I wasn't feeling good. Friday nurse called to say her stomach was distended because she couldv't urinate but foley cath helped and she said it was a relief. Thing is, prior to that call...i was going in to see her... but I asked nurse how she was and she stated that she was fine and talking and so I decided..alright..I will go see her tomorrow.

Apparently... she wasn't "fine" and If I had gone maybe I would've seen something was wrong and alerted them.

They called me Tuesday to inform me she had a sm sore they were treating.

I have since found out through various staff that they were wondering why she was so lethargic Thurs/Fri. She had very high coumadin levels wed and doc said stop coumadin for a couple of days.

She didn't want even her favorite foods for dinner Thursday night and Friday she refused to eat anything and only wanted to sleep.

If only I knew about the lethargy and not wanting to eat!

I have to forgive myself and I am trying.

And this is haunting me and I wonder if I should've tried harder.

For at least a couple of months...she would complain of abdominal pain. Not use that word but say oh it hurts and grab that area. It seemed rhythmic at times and so I wondered about bowel. I reported it to the nurse who didn't seem concerned. Without getting too descriptive..sometimes her bowels moved normally and other times not and I think they thought it was the meds.

the problem is that she had dementia and so sometimes they came in and she seemed fine or she would say it was her head or foot.

I told her neurologist about her usually grabbing abdomen and to me..pain seemed to be their intermittently... but how can you tell when pain is real in dementia pt? She said you can't.

She wasn't out of it though and you could talk to mom. but she did greatly mix things up.

Even on Easter..she was fine, eating and interacting somewhat and then suddenly she was saying oooh ..like she was in pain.

Unfortunately..like I said.. I wasn't in the rest of the week when she was apparently declining.

they called Friday evening to say she was bleeding heavily and by time she was at hospital she had lost so much blood, was still bleeding, her coumadin was a 10 and she was in renal failure.. and I watched her fade away from us over the next few hours. the Bp numbers did a steady decline. She was intubated at the nursing home and they couldn't give her pain meds because of the low bp, but she wasn't agitated... thankfully.

My only solace in this is that we were all there in the room until she passed.

I guess I am sharing this.. because I haven't even talked in my SS blog yet... because this post of yours reminds me that there is so much more and I have been navel gazing and conjuring up every wrong thing I have ever done and taking on all this guilt.. for past and present. I lost my perspective about all that is out there beyond what we know and can experience through our senses.

And she is NOT suffering now.

Still... I do wonder about the pain and if it was connected to the bleeding... and could I have made a difference?

I thought I had a turn around moment today..and I did... but I know I have to go through the process too and I know...i am going to have to fight the negativity that at times is looming over me larger than life. grief with guilt..i think is a deadly mixture and I am trying to overcome it and rise above.

The irony is that I seemed to have lost sight of my faith and the bigger picture I always talk about... and you who's views are usually the antithesis of my belief system... are the one who is indirectly allowing for faith possibilities.

And so you have also inspired me through this post to not lose sight of my faith... which does provide the peace that surpasses all understanding..when we let it.

Thank you Dr S.

Also...in that post where you told me to take a breath..you were right..I was fired up about that and had actually almost finished a comment to post in response but then I got the call. But.. none of it matters now.

And I always meant to say thank you to Sam but didn't come back right away. Awhile back he stated that he had written a different response to one of my comments but that when he saw my gentle tone..he changed his comment to me.

Thank you Sam.

April 22, 2009 8:22 PM
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's humbling that you should think of me just now. I am glad if I provided you with some small solace, perverse though it might have been.

Despite the fact that I am not religious, this passage has helped me regain perspective in trying times:

"When God made man, he made him straightforward, but man invents endless subtleties of his own."

Kindest Regards,
Sam Spade

April 23, 2009 1:31 AM
Blogger Sid Schwab said...

Seaspray: having both witnessed it many times and gone through it myself I know the loss of a parent seems always to leave a person with feelings of guilt, among the many others. From what you've said in other posts and comments, it seems clear that you devoted a great deal of care and love in her declining times. Can it ever be enough? Most people, I'd guess, never think so.

I'm sorry for your loss and pain. I hope that as time passes you can take comfort from the times you were there, and not dwell on the times you were not. To me it sounds like your mom was lucky in the love she received from you.

April 23, 2009 9:38 AM
Blogger SeaSpray said...

Thank u Sam. :)

Dr S -I apologize for writing all that here. Having major blogger's remorse over it and if you feel it is inappropriate I won't be offended if you delete it and this.

I haven't been responding in anyone's comments, but when I read this... I had an epiphany moment in realizing I was grieving so and filling up with regret that I couldn't see beyond it...even though I know better.

It's funny how the least expected things will trigger profound reactions sometimes.

April 23, 2009 9:48 AM
Blogger SeaSpray said...

Thank you Dr S. :)

No... I guess it is never enough. Of course... I really could've done some things better.

My m-i-l treated her mother and sister better than I have ever seen anyone treat their relatives and even she has expressed concerns about decisions, etc.

I just wish that we had these insights we are bound to have when faced with the loss of a loved one...while they are still with us.

But I guess..that is just life and sometimes it's complicated and we do what we can do at the time. In other words ... we think we are doing what we can do..or we think we WILL still do what we KNOW to do... thinking..there's more time...I'll do it tomorrow, next week, etc. *sigh*

I think we also forget that they weren't perfect either and made their mistakes too...but somehow...after the person dies..we only see what we perceive as mistakes/omissions, etc.

Thank you again for your kind words.

April 23, 2009 10:01 AM
Anonymous Anonymous said...

SeaSpray

It was much the same with my mother-in-law; on a Thursday the nurses reported her as being stable, talking, good vital signs, the very next day, Friday, we received an early morning call telling us to get to the hospital quickly because she was dying.

We had delayed visiting until the weekend because of the hundred mile drive to the hospital.

She died while we were stuck, in commuter traffic, exchanging text messages with her family.

We experienced the same sort of feelings you spoke of - wishing we had been able to be there, but the reality is that no one can know when death will come, we can only hold the loved one in our hearts when the hour comes.

I am sorry for your loss, but know, that in time, the mother that lives on, in you, will be there again; one day you will feel her there beside you, and she will never leave you again.

When you see the beautiful and wonderful, you may think "I wish mom could see this" Don't let grief send her away, let her be there to share with you.

The saddest, truest words I ever heard about loss are these:

"Parting is all we know of heaven, and all we need to know of hell."

Peace and Love be with you.

EugeneInSanDiego

April 23, 2009 11:02 AM
Blogger SeaSpray said...

Eugene..thank you so much for your kind words too.

I am sorry that happened with your m-i-l. I can imagine how difficult being stuck in traffic was at that time and your frustration/disappointment.

Thank you for sharing your story.

And thank you for those beautiful thoughts.

One of my favorite types of books to read are about heaven and have found them so fascinating. Also tapes.

We are not going to be bored..just floating around on some cloud.

We will be known as we were known here. We bring with us... our experiences, personality but over there become even more perfected. And education continues, faith grows, activities, skills relationships..it all continues.

Although..if there is no more sickness.. I'm not sure what doctors will do. ? ;) But I am guessing that there is so much that we don't know..perhaps their skills will be of use in places we don't know of yet or they will advance all the more in a certain direction because of their knowledge/skills/experience.

We are going to be eating (I assume calories don't count ;)in our perfected bodies.

I know..this might seem out there to some of you. Just some stuff I've read, etc.

But so interesting. :)

One day our pastor was discussing the scripture where Jesus said, "In my father's house are many mansions and I go to prepare a place for you and so pastor said.."You KNOW i'm going THERE! He's been working on them for 2 THOUSAND years!" I told this to one of the Jewish docs I worked with and he very seriously said, "Are there any condos up there?" Hilarious the way he said it with his dry sense of humor.

Anyway..I know it is a healing process... but you all brought some peace and even a smile to my spirit. Thank you again. :)

April 23, 2009 9:09 PM