Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Bittersweet

http://www.gadgetos.info/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/salzburg-music-center-4111.jpg

Sigh... Feeling a little down at the moment. This too shall pass.

First...I just want to say that life is good and filled with blessings.

One very special blessing was in my arms for 3 1/2 hours today... beautiful little Wrenna. I got to babysit her this morning/afternoon. :)

She came over with her eyes open today and I was so excited about that. She sleeps most of the time when she is here. She is 3 weeks old today.

I gave her her bottle, changed her a couple of times and had younger son hold her for about 5 minutes while I did a couple of things... but otherwise... I held her the entire time. I sat her up and woke her a little, but she mostly slept. I easily could've put her down to sleep... but I enjoyed cuddling, talking, singing and looking at her so much... and there was nothing else I wanted to do that was more important to me. What a joy.

Then I enjoyed a nice visit with my d-i-l for a while after she got here.

But then...I pulled out a stereo unit... we had given mom. It was one of those old fashioned replicas..but modernized in that it plays CDs and Tapes. She said it didn't work... but everything does except the tapes. Now I wonder if she said that because she was forgetting how to do things and I just didn't know it at the time. ? We got that for her so she could play her records... but she never did. Also got it because it has the old fashioned radio tuners which were easier for her to use.

So I tested it and everything but the tapes work. Well not sure about records.. but not sure where we packed them. And now I just have to find a spot for it...because I can't part with it...for now anyway.

I discovered that a big bands CD had been left in it and so have been playing it since. When I was a teenager... I did not like that music.. but as with many things.. your tastes change when as time goes on and I actually appreciate the music. Of course it is always bittersweet because I cannot hear that music without having family memories stirred up... thinking of Mom, my uncles and their wives. It was their era and I heard the music often... although Mom also liked 50's rock and other things... basically anything she could dance the Lindy to. I have memories of snapping her fingers and dancing around the house when she heard a good beat. :)

So... tomorrow is my birthday. She often told me I wasn't officially my new age until 4:42 in the afternoon. I was born in Jackson Memorial Hospital- Miami, Fl. It must've been difficult for her to be so far from her parents at the time.

Anyway... tomorrow night... we will celebrate and my dear m-i-l is surprising me with one of my favorite cakes she makes. They ALWAYS involve fruit and whip cream. :)

My mom and Aunt Dee will be greatly missed tomorrow night... but we will have our newest family addition here... baby Wrenna Mae... along with her beautiful and sweet older sister 8yr old Devan Cosette. (Cosette pronounced with a z instead of s. I LOVE that name :)

I don't mean to sound like I am complaining or be negative. Just handling the stereo, hearing the music and thinking of my birthday... it was momentarily overwhelming. When my husband came home... I bolted up from typing, rushed over to him.. he barely got in the door and just cried in his arms... crumbled like a little girl... just for a minute. I am grateful I have him to comfort me like that.

Of course...we ALL know... most guys hate it when we women cry... and he definitely fits into that category. But really.... I think they don't have to say anything... necessarily... just hold us close. That works for me anyway and then I felt better.

It is just so weird you know? My whole life... I have heard about the things people experience after a close loved one dies. I was always empathetic and sympathetic. I intellectually knew that I would be sad... that I would miss them.

But you can't really KNOW what it is like until they are gone and it is final. I have discovered that nothing feels as final as death. Now as a Christian... I do believe in an after life and so have the Blessed Hope of continued relationships in eternity... and believe me that knowledge helps. But it doesn't negate the sadness and void.. I feel here... now. I miss my mother.

And like I have heard so many times from other people... sometimes I forget..and I think the phone is mom calling on the other end... to I heard her voice... or I think I'll tell her this news or that.

Phantom thoughts... like phantom sensations when someone has had an amputation.

It must all dissipate in time.

Life goes forward.

Although the last couple of years... she often told me she was thinking about her mother. I never thought to ask why. I just accepted her statement as it was or I'd ask a question about grandma. I wondered why she didn't say it about grandpa because I know she loved her father too. I don't know why I didn't just ask her.

And the aids at the nursing home told me she talked about her mother all the time.

I have wondered why... and what that means. ?

Mom has been at all my adult birthday celebrations since I was 20. I wish I could skip over tomorrow... but I know... we HAVE to walk through these things in order to heal. This past winter... before anything happened to mom... I twittered "How do you get over someone dying" And one of the twittering docs answered with... "You don't. You just learn to live with it."

I can see that he is exactly right.

I am smiling at a sweet thought.. and that is how Devan is our official cake tester at all the birthday parties. She gets to run her finger in the icing of what will be her piece of cake to test it. She takes her job seriously and always gives her approval that it tastes good. :)

Well... I guess this is all I have to say about this for now.

4 comments:

Chrysalis Angel said...

Happy Birthday today, Sea!!!!

Those times of sadness will still come and go; they might sneak up on you when you least expect them, but they will lessen over time. I'm glad hubby helped and let you cry. So many times they try to stop the crying. I think they feel helpless, and want to fix the issue, but all they really need to do is hold you, that's all - just hold you for a little while.

Enjoy your celebration today. Celebrate your special day, and all those you love.

SeaSpray said...

Thank you Angel. :)

Rositta said...

Seaspray, I still miss my Mom after more than two years and my MIL just two months. This was an especially bad two days for me since I had to go to the same hospital where she died and I had a panic attack. The first year of firsts is the worst though. A very Happy Birthday to you, live for the moment...ciao

SeaSpray said...

Hi Rositta. I know you're hurting and yet you take the time to comfort me. You are so sweet. Thank you very much.

As I was reading this..I thought Ugh CHRISTMAS!

I had maybe wanted to work at the hospital mom died in and now I am not so sure. And I would be a patient there. I guess I will have to face it at some point.

I am sorry that happened to you.

You're in my thoughts and prayers Rositta. :)

Thank you for my birthday well wishes. :)