Tuesday, September 1, 2009

A Daughter's Heart

Credit for "Broken Heart" pic here

Spring has come and gone.

Summer is almost past.

It's the first time I've gone through these seasons without my mother on this planet... in my life...
except that she's in my heart and mind every day and night. In some ways... it feels like she's with me even more so... such an odd thing really. I know others who have said that about their parents too.

I miss my mother.

When does it all become sweet memories?

Will I ever feel that...

or will they be ever elusive?
I like this and think it's true.


rlbates said...

SeaSpray, I know how you feel. Have you seen this article/tribute?

SeaSpray said...

Hi Ramona - Yes..sadly we are kindred spirits in understanding here.

No..I did not see it... but I did read it THREE times so far. He wrote what's been in my heart. Even down to the thank you notes. I've been feeling guilty about that because I am a thank you note writer. I bought the cards and they still sit. I still think it is wrong that I haven't yet..but I know I will. I was relieved to know I wasn't alone.

I also understood his line about differentiating knowing and knowing what it's like.

Mine grief is further complicated because of it having been a difficult relationship at times and even further compounded by the guilt I feel..particularly for having missed things during her last year at home and then not being there her last week among other things.

maybe there is never any perfection in relationships.. and maybe everyone has regrets about something. I just wish I could put it all to rest.

I wish I could feel a peaceful closure.

It felt so good to read his article that it caused me to wonder if there are other things out there to read. I will pursue that.

Thank you so very much for that link. It is greatly appreciated!

SeaSpray said...

PS - I still can't believe I missed signs that things were amiss before she ended up in the hospital for the last time. Even that week.. I began to have concern but just didn't put it all together.

I don't know if it was ignorance or denial..probably both. I know hindsight is 20-20. She also didn't tell me things.

A big clue should have been when she told me to take over her checkbook. She was always so private.

I could help others now..be aware of warning signals with their elderly parents... but didn't see it at the time. Sigh*

I always say..when it's our time..it's our time and maybe this is just how it was all supposed to be.

What that Dr said about "knowing and knowing are two different things" ..is so true.

I guess I haven't come to the place of acceptance yet.

I know it is a process.

I hope you are doing alright Ramona because I know it was so unexpected.

I was just telling someone..that I knew she was declining and 85.. but because she seemed better the previous week..I was encouraged and then on Easter same thing and I just didn't expect it yet. But that is life..and death.. it just happens... unscheduled.

And after having gone through this... I feel I wasn't supportive enough for people that have gone through this. I was.. but now that I really know... I think I will be much more so.

Sorry so long...just on my mind more than usual for some reason.

Gia's Spot said...

Sweet memories will come..... missing her won't end...... the guilt will fade a bit... and you do go on...... Jane Lambert 11/02/95 , My Mom. Missed as much today as then!!

SeaSpray said...

Gia, I'm sorry about your mom. It is a loss beyond words when you lose someone that close.

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement Gia.

Mel Avila Alarilla said...

I'm sorry about your mother. Condolence. I know it's hard to accept hard realities in life like the death of a loved one. But we can hold on to God's promise like Romans 8:28, "All things work together for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Then we will know that nothing happens by chance especially for those who have surrendered their lives to the Lord. We must accept the good and the bad in life and trust God that He absolutely knows what's best for all of us. We will have greater joy and peace in our hearts if we surrender everything to God's all encompassing love and grace. Thanks for the post. God bless you always.

SeaSpray said...

Hi Mel -thank you for your kind words. They give me great comfort. :)