Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Some Things French and Letting Go

Claude Monet, Waves Breaking - 1881

This post is about two different things that tied together in my mind and there is even a 3rd idea in there that I've chosen not to expound upon.

I was thinking about Mom before and I remembered the story she told where I was in my 3rd grade play, up on stage and she could see that I was looking all over the audience for her while I was singing... and she could see that I was happy when I found her.

I was thinking who'd of thought the next time... I am up on a platform in front of a microphone ...where she is involved... that it would be for her eulogy? It's life... just seems like an odd thought. It's a good thing we don't know too much about our futures.

I remember that play. We sang "I Love Paris in the Springtime" and had so much fun doing it. Unfortunately... I can't carry a tune to save my life and so singing wasn't something I continued for long. :)

Gee... I just thought of something.

I love the French language. To me... it is the most beautiful language in the world. Just yesterday... I was in the store smelling candles and the scents were also written in French. One of them had the French word "Jardin", which means garden. I just had to say it out loud... not too loud though. French sounds especially pretty when whispered. No wonder it is known as one of the love languages. :) So there I was standing in front of the Walmart candles saying "Jardin... Jardin" in a hushed tone. It sounds so pretty. I know.. a little weird.. but I love it... the language. I am not at all fluent, but can understand some, can read enough to get by and maybe more and can definitely read anything with correct pronunciation (says me) .. but just might not know what I am reading. Ha ha! I would LOVE to see Paris and the French countryside. And I would love to be dropped in the middle of France and have to survive on my language skills. I wonder how long it would take to become fluent?

I don't have much French ancestry that I am aware of. Maybe a smidgen from my Swiss Paternal great Grandmother.

So... as I was pondering my memories of that play and singing "I love Paris in the Springtime" and since I was only in 3rd grade and we practiced over and over.. I wonder if that experience is the root of my intrigue and love of things that are French?

French cooking? ooh la la! :)

I Love Paris

I love Paris in the springtime,
I love Paris in the fall,
I love Paris in the winter, when it drizzles,
I love Paris in the summer, when it sizzles.
I love Paris every moment,
Every moment of the year,
I love Paris,
Why, oh why, do I love Paris,
Because my love is near."

Anyway... at this moment... I feel like that little girl on stage... looking for her mother..except this time... I already know she's not in the audience... she's no longer here.

But our minds are interesting in that... sometimes.. just for a few seconds and when I least expect it.. I think "Oh.. what day am I taking Mom shopping?", or when the phone rings... I think "Mom's calling me.".. but then I remember.. "No... when she called.."When Irish Eyes Are Smiling" played for a ring tone." ... and then that little wave of sad realization washes over me and back out again. The difference now with those waves ... is that they no longer seem to suck me back out into the tumultuous white water.. tumbling my heart all around before spewing me back to the shore... still vulnerable for the next wave of realization to knock me over. Instead ...they wash in... then over me and as I am learning to let go of the pain... gently wash back through me... without dragging me down... taking only the pain I've released from my heart... hopefully forever washed out to sea... that tumultuous sea of guilt, regrets and profound loss.

I am learning it is okay to still remain standing on the shore... that Mom would want me to stand strong... embrace the sunshine and be soothed by the calm waters of the sweet memories that only a mother and her daughter have shared... remembering always her eternal love for me and for all of her family.

I recently learned through something she wrote... that she will love me ... forever.

I will love .. you... forever too... Mommy.


Chrysalis Angel said...

Shes' still in the audience, you just can't see her with the lights shining in your eyes.

Gia's Spot said...

Beautiful! You are correct... she is now eternally in your life and heart! I too experience my Mom at odd times, I will be with the granbabies and think (or actually say out loud) that mom would love this or that! It's kinda freaky feelin like she is really just in the next room when she has been gone 14 years on Friday!

le0pard13 said...

Beautiful post, SeaSpray.

SeaSpray said...

Oh Angel... I LOVE that comment... thanks! :)

SeaSpray said...

Thank you Gia! I know exactly what you mean. It's weird... sometimes .. I feel like she's with me more now than when she was alive.

And they do live on in us.. our hearts and memories... and maybe like Angel said..they're in the audience too. :)

SeaSpray said...

Thank you le0pard. :)