Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Best Kinds of Moments

manchild0423.jpg

I came across this picture in "The Doctor is in!Dr. Steve Salvatore is here to answer your questions:"

Anyway..this picture immediately brought a smile to my face. I LOVE this! If it were my husband and baby, I'd have this blown up, displayed permanently in a prominent place.

I will have to look for some of my own pictures sometime. Maybe as I am hunting through pictures for Mom's memorial..I will find them.

The shared love of a father and baby.

The baby's adorably shaped little body.

And the ocean as a background.

What a great picture!

Hopefully..that baby will go on to see a lot more loving pictures with dad.. but that really captures it and I think in an arty way.

That picture evokes strong feelings in me... the awesomeness of life, the universal timelessness of love and joy.... so profound.

I imagine the precious little baby gleefully looking at Daddy...laughing with the most ecstatic belly laugh.

I think these are the best kinds of moments in life.

And very soon we will be welcoming a new baby into our family and I am so very much looking forward to meeting her and cuddling with her. :)

Babies always make everything seem so right with the world... no matter what is really going on.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I can't change...

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_nWL18pQqslU/SM_3KX1Q9GI/AAAAAAAAAZQ/gtDn5sSaXRg/s400/Sailboat.jpg

I can't change the direction of the wind. But I can adjust my sails.

~ Leonard Jablonski ~

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Little Girl Inside


Mom & me


My kindergarten picture. I was 5 years old.

I have a better copy somewhere, that I put aside because I bought a frame that holds 4 pictures horizontally across. I thought it would be neat to put the kindergarten pictures of my husband, myself and sons all side by side. I never did do it, but would still like to.

Anyway... I found this pic in mom's things last fall.

I loved that outfit...especially the little pocketbook that I am apparently wearing around my neck. I remember it was a sunny school morning and the sunshine was streaming into the bedroom on us as Mom helped me get dressed.

I loved school and I couldn't wait to goto school in my new outfit!

Sometimes... I feel as vulnerable as that little girl in the picture looks... now that my mother is no longer living on the planet. I guess that is because the little girl inside me is missing her Mommy.

Elephant and Dog -Best Friends



If you haven't seen this...it is a must see video. I love it! So sweet.

The loyalty and love shared between these two very different animals is both precious and amazing.

I am so fascinated with elephants. I wish they could be pets too. :)

I wish I could get into their heads and know their thought processes. What are these two critters thinking that keeps them so bonded?

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Haven't Known What to Post

I find the waves of sadness so hard.

Most of us go through it.

And the guilt with grief is toxic... although I am a little better with the guilt.

I will always regret I didn't go in those last two days and some other things I didn't do I planned to do. I had the time... but delayed. How is it that your mind and eyes can tell you what is really going on and thus your common sense tells you..you don't have a lot of time...and yet... there is this other place in the brain that you..or I should say I go to...that causes me to act like I have forever? I think that is the denial center of the brain. I even had some feelings that week and attributed it to guilt for not being there. I knew and told her I wouldn't be until after Wednesday. We saw her on Easter. But DAMN! Thursday? Friday? In 6 months... I only had 3 -5 day absences.. well a week on one because i was sick. BUT... I ALWAYS called her.

She lost her ability to pick up the phone to call me or answer it or we would've talked much more. And she apparently didn't think to ask them to call me. I had posted a hot pink 8x11 paper over her night stand where the phone was. In black magic marker I posted my name, relationship and phone number, requesting that ANYONE, please call me at ANY time and give the phone to my mother because she was unable to do that without assistance.

I didn't care who called for her, nurses, aids, dietary, housekeeping, etc... but only ONE aide did.

God bless her. I thanked her often and we bonded somewhat. I will talk more about her another time.

But she was the ONLY one. I know..I could've made a fuss... but I am not usually that way and I know they are short staffed and busy. But ...now..I think I should have.

DAMN 20-20 hindsight!

If the aide didn't call..I would call the nurse's station, asking them to please go to my mother's room and answer the phone... but it was a hassle because you have to go through the main switchboard to be connected to the station in another building and they hardly picked up the phone and it would ring and ring and then revert back to the switchboard. I also felt like I was bothering them. I did do it though... on days I couldn't be there. Not every one..but I made sure I called so she wouldn't think I forgot her.

But this last week was the 1st time...in 6 months since she'd been there that I did not call at all.

I just can-NOT-b-e-l-i-e-v-e I did not visit or call her last 5 days on earth!

If I hadn't been working on taxes..I would've been there in beginning of week!

If my stomach hadn't been bothering me... I would've gone Thursday!

And if the nurse after calling me to inform me of her acute urinary retention w/distended abdomen that was relieved with a foley catheter... hadn't said, "She's fine and talking."...I would've gone in that day. My stomach still bothering me...I asked because I was thinking of not going if they were all interacting with her and she was alright. So..when she said that...i said..I will be in tomorrow.

But she wasn't "FINE". They never told me about some other things... that had I known... I would've been concerned and been right there.

And then about 5 hours later I got the frantic call from a supervisor stating she was bleeding heavily from her intestines.

I don't blame them for my not going in because I am the one who still made the choice..thinking she was alright and one more day wouldn't matter.

Or maybe I do... because they call me to inform me for a stupid med change... but didn't call to tell me they were wondering why she was so lethargic and wanted to sleep, or that her coumadin was very high, or that she began refusing food on Thursday evening (dinner).

They called in beginning of week to tell me she has a small open sore that they are treating..had good borders and would heal nicely.

I asked about the sore Friday after noon and she said it was healing nicely.

I blame us all. Them for not communicating better with themselves and me and me..for not being there or calling.

I have been wondering if with the dementia she forgot I was doing the taxes and said I'd be in after Wednesday? And I wonder if not at least hearing my voice caused her to feel forgotten?

And I wonder if those things caused her to feel sad and to give up?

And I wonder if she suffered?

And I wonder if she was scared?

Did she know something was wrong and couldn't articulate it?

Would my being there have made a difference because I may have seen that something was wrong? Many times I had been her advocate..getting help for her or insisting (politely) that something was done.

But..I wonder if I dropped the ball?

Over last few months she winced and complained of pain.."Stating it hurts. Help me. help me."

I did inform staff.

I even questioned the neurologist last month.

I told her I felt my mom may be having intestinal problems because even though she complains about pain elsewhere... she was ... in my opinion consistent about that area.

Part of the problem was that I'd get someone... and when they came back in..she'd say it was her head or seem content. It was intermittent too.

One day while on phone with her she started out of the blue stating it hurt, it hurt. She got mad at me as I tried to find out specifically where. Then I heard D, her aide ask her where it hurt and she said "The bleeding!" (How ironic) then "My Foot!" *sigh*

So I asked the neurologist how we can tell( I may have already written this here..don't recall.) if the pain is real and if so where? She said" You can't" Then I said, "So...I guess each person should be treated with dignity and respect..believing it is real and find out why.?" She agreed.

She did order a C-spine x-ray and head CT that day. Both came back with results consistent with what was going on with her. She had severe osteoporosis, but nothing especially indicative of neck pain. her head CT came back with normal arterial aging..or something like that.

One thing I do wonder... is that they said she had Alzheimers (she was nothing like the residents I saw in the hallways -totally out of it and extreme in behaviors. She couldn't find the words to articulate some thoughts. Like one night she said..I don't know why I can't tell you what I had for dinner. She mixed up my son for my husband when making an introduction..and other times she knew. And she could respond appropriately in conversation..most of the time. Her familial facts were mixed up. The aides told me she spoke about her mother a lot and she called the day aide Patty. (I am gong to miss hearing that.. Patty..ha! or Patreesha! when she was mad at me.)

And I get a kick out of how her doctor's office staff, the ladies in her building..they all called me Patty.. because she did. Only my close childhood friend and family call me Patty and the occasional stranger. I do like it... and of course Patricia. (Still refer to myself as Pat though.)

I regret missed opportunities...so many missed opportunities.

It's not the things I did wrong as much as the missed opportunities that bother me.

I don't even know what to write in this blog right now.

Maybe I shouldn't have announced the GI bleed in this blog, but I was hoping for collective prayer. I very much believe in the power of prayer... but healing wasn't meant to be this time. I know she has now experienced total healing in heaven.

There are so many things I wonder about her last days as I get bits and pieces. ???

Take it from me...if there is ANYTHING you can think of you want to tell someone you love, do it for them ..do it NOW. I think we all tend to put off what we can do today..for another time... but then it never seems to come... because we get busy...or whatever. Good intentions...

Gone forever is a long time... on this side of life.

I can't believe I will never do anything with her again. I feel such a void. No more visits to the nursing home to see Mom.

I will miss seeing some of the residents I used to visit briefly with en route to Mom's room and back out again. I would like to go back to see them again... but I don't know if I can. Most of them are forgotten people. When I go there to see them...I will remember that I didn't go see mom those last 2 days... and if I didn't go see my own mother on her last 2 days here... how can I go see strangers? Someone told me that doing that would honor her. I do need to go tell her one friend there. they used to shop together and I'd wheel mom down to see her..even though Mom didn't interact much.

The irony to this all too is that on the 25th... this friend, the evening aide and I thought Mom looked better and was alert and I was hopeful this new med was helping her. And then

But I am also very much beating myself up for not being in to see her those last 2 days...when I think something was going wrong and staff missed it. (I have a lot to say about this in due time) The truth is I wasn't feeling well with my stomach..but I certainly could've over ridden it and if only I had gone in.

I used to visit her 2-3 times a week. Staff tells me I was in the top 3 families that visit their family member. Some get none and they..the staff are their only family. It is a sad/difficult environment and I am so glad I brought my granddaughter so she could see her great grandmother and also see other people in need of love ...but more on that a different time too. My mother and the other residents LOVED seeing her. She's 7 and little children... I think breathe life into a place like that.

I will miss the staff.. There were good things too. I actually liked where she was... but they were short staffed. They have been supportive to me. I had befriended a lot of them and had my routines in the place. They let me use their break room to get mom fresh coffee.

I always LOVED how she loved a good cup of coffee and it always felt so good to give it to her there. Other wise..she only had whatever they give you in those little plastic mugs on your dinner tray and we all know that is never very good.

I have so many things to say about all of this.

I really don't know what to write in this blog.

I don't want to lose the few consistent readers I have because I am writing about a depressing topic. I think first and foremost..our blogs are for us..the authors... but as I have come to know some of you and hopefully will get to know others... I have tried to be interesting here... every now and then anyway.

I don't know how all of this is going to evolve..in terms of writing about my mother and these experiences..things I've learned, insights gained and yes regrets too.

I hope that I will experience inner healing as I work through these things via my writing. I also hope that Some of you will share your thoughts and insights as you feel led to do so if you read anything... and I hope that maybe I will be of some help to someone who may happen to read my words..perhaps giving them some insights.

Or..maybe I won't write about it here at all. I don't know.

For me... my favorite things I've written are the humorous posts..the inane, zany posts... because I like to laugh. Or writing about the ridiculously funny things that happen to or because of me. Lucy and I could be kindred spirits.

Laughter is healing.

And it's fun.

Hopefully that SeaSpray will be back soon. :)

Friday night was so hard, but I am glad we were all there.

I am also very glad that I have been writing about Mom and my experiences/feelings and the tender moments between us since July. And even the negative things that annoyed me. Perhaps the positives will reaffirm that I did love her and do things more than I realize now and the negatives will bring a clearer perspective thus enabling me to realize that all my perceived failures weren't entirely my fault because it takes 2 and also..life circumstances. But I did make mistakes.

You should see all the things I wrote that never got posted!

At least now..when ready..I can go back and reprint all of these things and perhaps make a nice journal to be picked up and read any time.

I wish I took pics of her in the nursing home but she always got mad at me when I took pictures of her and I have many pictures with something in front of her face. I do have pictures though. Son videotaped her on Easter and she didn't care. Had I realized that..I would've had some pictures taken with her.

I started to appreciate little things on Thursday. Before that...it was like I was in a timeless tunnel. So weird. Waves of realization still hit... but they aren't as wipe out crushing as they had been. Now aside from a bacterial infection I was being treated for...I also have the mother of all colds I caught from younger son... on top of that and so have been down for the count physically.

I know it will be a process.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

My mother died

My mother died tonight.. before midnight... April 17th.

I am afraid to go to bed... because I am afraid to wake up.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Dreams DO Come True... So Moving!

http://logo.cafepress.com/0/4306991.1519230.jpg

I highly recommend that you watch this video.

I was so moved and excited while watching this clip as were all the people actually there. I wish I could've been with them in person to experience Susan Boyle's magnificent voice...as well as the transformation that surely would've resonated within me as it did in the judges and the audience. She sang I Dreamed a Dream from Les Miserables. How apropos.

She was the perceived underdog. I was feeling very sorry for her as she was being made fun of.

I also thought she was courageous.

And then she sang.

She brought the house down!

I LOVED seeing Simon's reaction the most, because he is a no nonsense and sometimes harsh guy who tells it like he sees it... and it was awesome to see the countenance on his face change to that of surprise, being profoundly moved, wowed and appreciative of ... yet almost in disbelief at what he heard... but there was no denying it... she is a truly gifted woman. At one point Simon looked like he was in love...he was so taken with her voice.

It was exciting to see the other judges reactions too. :)

What an example to remind us not to prejudge someone and that first impressions can be wrong.

What an inspirational story to remind us all to never give up on our dreams!

I was so happy for her and have no doubt she will become as famous as the singer she likes.

***** 5 starfish rating. :)

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Why?

http://raspberryfalls.org/public/images/taxes_scrabble.jpg
I'd rather be playing scrabble.

Why? WHY do I do this...every year?

I am doing our taxes.

I procrastinated worse than ever this year and still am... I'm blogging now..right?

Waiting for pharmacy plan meds to print out. Gotta get the drug deductions, office visits, premiums paid, co-pays and even the medical mileage...which by the way has gone up due to the elevated gas prices. And then all the rest of it.

Printed! I should stop typing now.... I should..but I'm not.

This is where I would like a patient version of EMRs to keep track of medical expenses.

Unfortunately..we have qualified for medical deductions. Although... I think we pay a hefty price for our med insurance premiums and so doesn't take much to tip the scale.

I actually thought I would have this done yesterday... which I never have it done a day early... but ran into some snafus while gathering info and even though I procrastinate with this.. I still dot every I and cross every T.

Don't miss your deadline!











I e-file and the banks are on Pacific coast time and so technically have until 03:00 EST. My goal is before midnight though.

I have most entered... but still going through receipts and double checking figures.

I should take pictures of the kitchen table, the counter, the computer desk and surrounding area. LOL! I wasn't laughing yesterday when I couldn't find the w-2, bank statements, etc.... you know...the really IMPORTANT information... that I put in a "safe" place. I have been doing taxes for most years since I was 17 or 18 and I never found such a "safe" place!

Part of me enjoys doing it and so I do wonder why I do this... procrastinate... because I DON'T enjoy the pressure when something goes wrong and I'm under the wire..or... do I? I don't allow wiggle room for anything to hang me up and I do have some funny stories. Not at the time but in retrospect.

I guess this is just one of my quirks... but I suspect there are a lot of people just like me crunching their numbers right about now. :)

I am dragging this year though as I feel like I have been intermittently under the weather for 3 weeks now and so feel drained.

Listening to music which helps me focus but now also listening to the news about the tea parties around the country.

Adrenaline and coffee pulling me through. :)

P.S. What do you think of going to the Fair Tax instead of the usual IRS form of taxation?

Check this link out: http://www.fairtax.org/site/PageServer

I didn't sign it yet because I want to read more about it. Just wondering what the consensus is. ?? :)

Monday, April 13, 2009

Missing My Friend

A year ago tomorrow (April 14th, 2008), one of my closest friends , my mentor passed away. My tears have stopped...but I do miss her so very much. I know she is in a better place... heaven... no doubt teaching and helping others ..just as she always did. And I can imagine her greeting others with warm hugs, her radiant smiles and joyful laughter.

Oh how I would've loved to have her to confide in when these things began with my mother. She understood my relationship with mom and she just always knew what to say...in any situation. And no matter how difficult things sometimes were... we could laugh heartily with the best of em. :)

Well..here I am again a year later..doing taxes at the last minute and so I thought I would just post this post I wrote about her last year.

She will always be a part of who I am as she has been one of the greatest influences on me in my adult life and I will be forever grateful to her for that. I count myself blessed to have known her and even more so to have been her close friend. :)

http://jolynna.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/dsc00722.JPG

She's Finally Free

I apologize for not stopping by to read/comment on my favorite blogs or to respond to the comments left by friends and visitors here. I had been busy compiling tax info and inputting i c when I received a phone call from a friend that one of my closest friends I have ever had had, died on Monday, the 14th.

My heart is broken. She was my friend. She was my mentor. This past March marked our 29th anniversary of being friends. We are all unique. No one will ever take her place. She has her own special place in my heart...from which I will continue to draw on all she has taught me and hopefully to pay it all forward so that others can benefit from her compassion and wisdom as I have. She has been a major influence in my life. I know that I have been able to help others because of what I have learned from her. And she has helped and blessed me tremendously. She would tell you that I did that for her, but the truth is...I always wondered what someone like her saw in me. ? I have so much to say but I can't do it now.

Her death wasn't unexpected... but rather overdue by about 10 years at least if not more. She confounded the doctors by continually rallying back from her illness. I didn't know I was going to take it this hard. I managed not to cry today but my eyes are still really puffy. I can't keep doing this. I have too much to do. Tell that to my heart though. :(

Water Lilies (Agapanthus) | 1960.81
This Water Lilies by Claude Monet is similar to one she gave me. And she gave me a poster in another version of this with more greens in varying tones. I put it on the refrigerator door and so every time I turn around from the sink...it reminds me of the pond out back.

Pat was arty and had a a flair for decorating in such a way that it was always beautiful and inviting. Whenever I was in her houses or apartments...I always felt like I wanted to stay forever. I think it was a combination of her beautiful, fun loving spirit and her decorating. She loved flowers and in her latter years, surrounded herself with dried flowers and floral paintings (among other things) to bring the outdoors in to her, since she was mostly bedridden indoors. She loved the vibrant colors and their delicate beauty. The first time I fell in love with Monet's work was when she took me to the Museum of Modern Art in NYC. And Pat never just gave you something. There was always a deeper meaning, the gifts were symbolic of things past, present and future, depending on what was going on at the time she gave you the gift.

Even her obituary was an inspiration because it shows the professional paths she chose, demonstrating that she has helped a lot of people during her life. I love what she said about her sons and how she acknowledged all of her physicians by name and what she said. And I love the picture of her. It is what she looked like when we met and I imagine her looking like that now.

She's free...finally free.

I love you my friend.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

New Urology Blog -M/A's Perspective

I found another neat urology blog but from a different perspective. The author is a medical assistant in a urology office. I enjoy her writing and of course can relate to much of it because of my own urological experiences.

It's called "A Day in the Life of a Medical Assistant ...tales From the Urology Office"

I've added a link to it in my urology blogroll section.

Friday, April 10, 2009

The Seven Last Sayings of Christ & Medical Assessment of the Crucifixion

I put this up two years ago for Easter and thought it would be a good one to post again. The 2nd part is an article from JAMA, which is quite interesting as it describes from a medical perspective...what Christ physically endured during his crucifixion.

It will be pretty busy between Easter and getting the taxes done, but I will put up the cat water post after I get the taxes done. :)

Happy Easter! :)

Tvpal_ea0115j_2

The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said..."

(Matthew 28:2-6 NIV)


The crucifixion of the Messiah was prophesied in the old testament hundreds of years prior to Christ's birth.

The following scriptures are taken from the NIV Bible.

In all probability Luke 23:34 is the first of the seven last sayings of Christ while he was on the cross.

These seven things were spoken in the following order: 1. From 9 a.m. until 12 noon, he spoke the word of forgiveness: Luke 23:34 "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."
* The cross is all about love, forgiveness and salvation. Jesus made this statement after having unjustly and cruelly been betrayed,beaten, mocked and nailed to the cross to die. At this point the soldiers were at the foot of the cross gambling for his clothes. Jesus taught about forgiveness, saying that we should forgive 70x7 and that we should get the log out of our own eye before we try to get the spec out of our brother's eye.

2. The word of salvation: Luke 23:43 " I tell you the truth,today you will be with me in paradise." *Jesus said this to the thief that was next to him on the cross who acknowledged his wrongdoing and asked that Jesus remember him when he got into his heavenly kingdom. This is a type and shadow for what we can expect when we look to Christ for forgiveness of sins and as our Savior.

3. The word of love: John 19:26,27 "Dear woman,here is your son." and to the disciple," Here is your mother." The disciple John and Jesus were especially close and is why he is referred to in the scriptures as the beloved disciple. John is the only disciple who stayed at the crucifixion as the others were afraid and went into hiding. So, Jesus was telling both of them that from now on John would be looking after his mother. Also, John is the only apostle to have died of natural causes. (The other apostles were martyred by being beheaded, stoned,crucified, hanged, speared,dragged, beaten, etc. Peter requested that he be crucified upside down because he said he wasn't worthy enough to be crucified as his Lord was.) I have heard it suggested that John may have been spared these methods of death because of his loyalty. He was boiled in oil but miraculously survived it. He was then sent to the prison island of Patmos, where he wrote the book of revelation. He was later freed and was the only apostle to die peacefully. (The gospel of John is a good chapter to start with in the New Testament and is often referred to as the book of love. While the King James version is poetic, I personally prefer the more modern translations that are closest to the original Greek and Hebrew)

During the three hours of darkness, from noon until about 3 p.m., no words were reported until about 3p.m. when Jesus cried out in a loud voice - 4. The word of spiritual suffering: Mark 15:34 " Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" * While on the cross, Jesus, who was without sin, experienced the most hideous form of abandonment and emotional suffering of mankind and took it on as if it was his own.

5. The word of physical suffering: John 19:28 " I am thirsty." * Being crucified is one of the most painful ways to die. He endured so much suffering even before he was crucified. Jesus said "By my stripes, you are healed." Those stripes are the brutal lashes that gouged into his skin and muscle, etc. at the hands of a Roman soldier using a Roman Flagrum - a whip that had acorn sized metal tips along with glass, bone and nails embedded into it.

6. The word of triumph: John 19:30 " It is finished." * This really was the most perfect plan of human redemption. Jesus is the only man that claimed to be the son of God, that died and rose again with an immortal body. He said that he came to set the captives free. Some people have looked at the cross as a murder weapon. First of all Jesus wasn't murdered, he surrendered his life - he was the ultimate sacrifice. He could've stopped this at any time and he was given the opportunity to do so, but because he loved (still does) all of humanity so much - he went forward with the plan.
John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only son, so that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." The cross is symbolic of victory over death. Now all people can turn to God in repentance and faith and receive eternal life.

7. The word of committal: Luke 23:46 Father into your hands I commit my spirit."

The last seven sayings of Jesus are short. The following article points out the physical reasons as to why it would have been both so painful and difficult for him to speak. He was struggling to breathe and every breath was painful.
*************************************************************************************
The following is a synopsis (for anyone not wanting to read something long at this point) of a longer article (to follow) published by JAMA in 1986 regarding the crucifixion of Christ. I have heard the scientific arguments for the crucifixion of Christ before and found it*interesting* to read through the information again.

Jesus of Nazareth underwent Jewish and Roman trials was flogged and was sentenced to death by crucifixion. The scourging produced deep stripe like lacerations and appreciable blood loss and it probably set the stage for hypovolemic shock as evidenced by the fact that Jesus was too weakened to carry the crossbar (patibulum) to Golgotha. At the site of crucifixion his wrists were nailed to the patibulum and after the patibulum was lifted onto the upright post (stipes) his feet were nailed to the stipes. The major pathophysiologic effect of crucifixion was an interference with normal respirations. Accordingly death resulted primarily from hypovolemic shock and exhaustion asphyxia. Jesus death was ensured by the thrust of a soldier s spear into his side. Modern medical interpretation of the historical evidence indicates that Jesus was dead when taken down from the cross.

(JAMA 1986;255:1455-1463)



Reprinted from JAMA - The Journal of the American Medical Association

March 21, 1986, Volume 256

Copyright 1986, American Medical Association

By Permission of Mayo Foundation



ON THE PHYSICAL DEATH OF JESUS CHRIST



William D. Edwards, MD; Wesley J. Gabel, MDiv; Floyd E Hosmer, MS, AMI

From the Departments of Pathology (Dr. Edwards) and Medical Graphics (Mr. Hoamer), Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn.; and the Homestead United Methodist Church, Rochester, Minn., and the West Bethel United Methodist Church, Bethel, Minn. (Pastor Gabel).

Reprint requests to Department of Pathology, Mayo Clinic, Rochester, MN 55905 (Dr. Edwards)


The life and teachings of Jesus of Nazareth have formed the basis for a major world religion (Christianity), have appreciably influenced the course of human history, and, by virtue of a compassionate attitude towards the sick, also have contributed to the development of modern medicine. The eminence of Jesus as a historical figure and the suffering and controversy associated with his death have stimulated us to investigate, in an interdisciplinary manner, the circumstances surrounding his crucifixion. Accordingly, it is our intent to present not a theological treatise but rather a medically and historically accurate account of the physical death of the one called Jesus Christ.

SOURCES

The source material concerning Christ's death comprises a body of literature and not a physical body or its skeletal remains. Accordingly, the credibility of any discussion of Jesus' death will be determined primarily by the credibility of one's sources. For this review, the source material includes the writings of ancient Christian and non-Christian authors, the writings of modern authors, and the Shroud of Turin. (1-40) Using the legal-historical method of scientific investigation, (27) scholars have established the reliability and accuracy of the ancient manuscripts. (26,27,29,31)

The most extensive and detailed descriptions of the life and death of Jesus are to be found in the New Testament gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. (1) The other 23 books of the New Testament support but do not expand on the details recorded in the gospels. Contemporary Christian, Jewish, and Roman authors provide additional insight concerning the first-century Jewish and Roman legal systems and the details of scourging and crucifixion. (5) Seneca, Livy, Plutarch, and others refer to crucifixion practices in their works. (8,28) Specifically, Jesus (or his crucifixion) is mentioned by the Roman historians Cornelius Tacitus, Pliny the Younger, and Suetonius, by non-Roman historians Thallus and Phlegon, by the satirist Lucian of Samosata, by the Jewish Talmud, and by the Jewish historian Flavius Josephus, although the authenticity of portions of the latter is problematic. (26)

The Shroud of Turin is considered by many to represent the actual burial cloth of Jesus, (22) and several publications concerning the medical aspects of his death draw conclusions from this assumption. (5,11) The Shroud of Turin and recent archaeological findings provide valuable information concerning Roman crucifixion practices. (22-24) The interpretations of modern writers, based on a knowledge of science and medicine not available in the first century, may offer additional insight concerning the possible mechanisms of Jesus' death. (2,17)

When taken in concert, certain facts -- the extensive and early testimony of both Christian proponents and opponents, and their universal acceptance of Jesus as a true historical figure; the ethic of the gospel writers, and the shortness of the time interval between the events and the extant manuscripts; and the confirmation of the gospel accounts by historians and archaeological findings (26,27) -- ensure a reliable testimony from which a modern medical interpretation of Jesus' death may be made.

GETHSEMANE

After Jesus and his disciples had observed the Passover meal in an upper room in a home in southwest Jerusalem, they traveled to the Mount of Olives, northeast of the city. (Owing to various adjustments in the calendar, the years of Jesus' birth and death remain controversial. (29) However, it is likely that Jesus was born in either 4 or 6 BC and died in 30 AD. (11,29) During the Passover observance in 30 AD, the last Supper would have been observed on Thursday, April 6 [Nisan 13], and Jesus would have been crucified on Friday, April 7 [Nisan 14]. (29) ) At nearby Gethsemane, Jesus, apparently knowing that the time of his death was near, suffered great mental anguish, and, as described by the physician Luke, his sweat became like blood. (1)

Although this is a very rare phenomenon, bloody sweat (hematidrosis or hemohidrosis) may occur in highly emotional states or in persons with bleeding disorders. (18,20) As a result of hemorrhage into the sweat glands, the skin becomes fragile and tender. (2,11) Luke's descriptions supports the diagnosis of hematidrosis rather than eccrine chromidrosis (brown or yellow-green sweat) or stigmatization (blood oozing from the palms or elsewhere). (18,21) Although some authors have suggested that hematidrosis produced hypovolemia, we agree with Bucklin (5) that Jesus' actual blood loss probably was minimal. However, in the cold night air, (1) it may have produced chills.

TRIALS

Jewish Trials

Soon after midnight, Jesus was arrested at Gethsemane by the temple officials and was taken first to Annas and then to Caiaphas, the Jewish high priest for that year. (1) Between 1 AM and daybreak, Jesus was tried before Caiaphas and the political Sanhedrin and was found guilty of blasphemy. (1) The guards then blindfolded Jesus, spat on him, and struck him in the face with their fists. (1) Soon after daybreak, presumably at the temple, Jesus was tried before the religious Sanhedrin (with the Pharisees and the Sadducees) and again was found guilty of blasphemy, a crime punishable by death. (1,5)

Roman Trials

Since permission for an execution had to come from the governing Romans, (1) Jesus was taken early in the morning by the temple officials to the Praetorium of the Fortress of Antonia, the residence and governmental seat of Pontius Pilate, the procurator of Judea. However, Jesus was presented to Pilate not as a blasphemer but rather as a self-appointed king who would undermine the Roman authority. (1) Pilate made no charges against Jesus and sent him to Herod Antipas, the tetrarch of Judea. (1) Herod likewise made no official charges and then returned Jesus to Pilate. (1) Again, Pilate could find no basis for a legal charge against Jesus, but the people persistently demanded crucifixion. Pilate finally granted their demand and handed over Jesus to be flogged (scourged) and crucified. (McDowell (25) has reviewed the prevailing political, religious, and economic climates in Jerusalem at the time of Jesus' death, and Bucklin (5) has described the various illegalities of the Jewish and Roman trials.)

Health of Jesus

The rigors of Jesus' ministry (that is, traveling by foot throughout Palestine) would have precluded any major physical illness or a weak general constitution. Accordingly, it is reasonable to assume that Jesus was in good physical condition before his walk to Gethsemane. However, during the 12 hours between 9 PM Thursday and 9 AM Friday, he had suffered great emotional stress (as evidenced by hematidrosis), abandonment by his closest friends (the disciples), and a physical beating (after the first Jewish trial). Also, in the setting of a traumatic and sleepless night, had been forced to walk more than 2.5 miles (4.0 km) to and from the sites of the various trials. These physical and emotional factors may have rendered Jesus particularly vulnerable to the adverse hemodynamic effects of the scourging.

SCOURGING

Scourging Practices

Flogging was a legal preliminary to every Roman execution, (28) and only women and Roman senators or soldiers (except in cases of desertion) were exempt. (11) The usual instrument was a short whip (flagrum or flagellum) with several single or braided leather thongs of variable lengths, in which small iron balls or sharp pieces of sheep bones were tied at intervals. Occasionally, staves also were used. (8,12) For scourging, the man was stripped of his clothing, and his hands were tied to an upright post. (11) The back, buttocks, and legs were flogged either by two soldiers (lictors) or by one who alternated positions. (5,7,11,28) The severity of the scourging depended on the disposition of the lictors and was intended to weaken the victim to a state just short of collapse or death. (8) After the scourging, the soldiers often taunted their victim. (11)

Medical Aspects of Scourging

As the Roman soldiers repeatedly struck the victim's back with full force, the iron balls would cause deep contusions, and the leather thongs and sheep bones would cut into the skin and subcutaneous tissues. (7) Then, as the flogging continued, the lacerations would tear into the underlying skeletal muscles and produce quivering ribbons of bleeding flesh. (27,25) Pain and blood loss generally set the stage for circulatory shock. (12) The extent of blood loss may well have determined how long the victim would survive on the cross. (3)

Scourging of Jesus

At the Praetorium, Jesus was severely whipped. (Although the severity of the scourging is not discussed in the four gospel accounts, it is implied in one of the epistles (1 Peter 2:24). A detailed word study of the ancient Greek text for this verse indicates that the scourging of Jesus was particularly harsh. (33) ) It is not known whether the number of lashes was limited to 39, in accordance with Jewish law. (5) The Roman soldiers, amused that this weakened man had claimed to be a king, began to mock him by placing a robe on his shoulders, a crown of thorns on his head, and a wooden staff as a scepter in his right hand. (1) Next, they spat on Jesus and struck him on the head with the wooden staff. (1) Moreover, when the soldiers tore the robe from Jesus' back, they probably reopened the scourging wounds. (7)

The severe scourging, with its intense pain and appreciable blood loss, most probably left Jesus in a preshock state. Moreover, hematidrosis had rendered his skin particularly tender. The physical and mental abuse meted out by the Jews and the Romans, as well as the lack of food, water, and sleep, also contributed to his generally weakened state. Therefore, even before the actual crucifixion, Jesus' physical condition was at least serious and possibly critical.

CRUCIFIXION

Crucifixion Practices

Crucifixion probably first began among the Persians. (34) Alexander the Great introduced the practice to Egypt and Carthage, and the Romans appear to have learned of it from the Carthaginans. (11) Although the Romans did not invent crucifixion, they perfected it as a form of torture and capital punishment that was designed to produce a slow death with maximum pain and suffering. (10,17) It was one of the most disgraceful and cruel methods of execution and usually was reserved only for slaves, foreigners, revolutionaries, and the vilest of criminals. (3,25,28) Roman law usually protected Roman citizens from crucifixion, (5) except perhaps in the case of desertion by soldiers.

In its earliest form in Persia, the victim was either tied to a tree or was tied to or impaled on an upright post, usually to keep the guilty victim's feet from touching holy ground. (3,11,30,34,38). Only later was a true cross used; it was characterized by an upright post (stipes) and a horizontal crossbar (patibulum), and it had several variations (11). Although archaeological and historical evidence strongly indicates that the low Tau cross was preferred by the Romans in Palestine at the time of Christ, (2,7,11) crucifixion practices often varied in a given geographic region and in accordance with the imagination of the executioners, and the Latin cross and other forms also may have been used. (26)

It was customary for the condemned man to carry his own cross from the flogging post to the site of crucifixion outside the city walls. (8,11,30) He was usually naked, unless this was prohibited by local customs. (11) Since the weight of the entire cross was probably well over 300 lb. (136 kg), only the crossbar was carried. (11) The patibulum, weighing 75 to 125 lb. (34 to 57 kg), (11,30) was placed across the nape of the victim's neck and balanced along both shoulders. Usually, the outstretched arms then were tied to the crossbar. (7,11) The processional to the site of crucifixion was led by a complete Roman military guard, headed by a centurion. (3,11) One of the soldiers carried a sign (titulus) on which the condemned man's name and crime were displayed. (3,11) Later, the titulus would be attached to the top of the cross. (11) The Roman guard would not leave the victim until they were sure of his death. (9,11)

Outside the city walls was permanently located the heavy upright wooden stipes, on which the patibulum would be secured. In the case of the Tau cross, this was accomplished by means of a mortise and tenon joint, with or without reinforcement by ropes. (10,11,30) To prolong the crucifixion process, a horizontal wooden block or plank, serving as a crude seat (sedile or sedulum), often was attached midway down the stipes. (3,11,16) Only very rarely, and probably later than the time of Christ, was an additional block (suppedaneum) employed for transfixion of the feet. (9,11)

At the site of execution, by law, the victim was given a bitter drink of wine mixed with myrrh (gall) as a mild analgesic. (7,17) The criminal was then thrown to the ground on his back, with his arms outstretched along the patibulum. (11) the hands could be nailed or tied to the crossbar, but nailing apparently was preferred by the Romans. (8,11) The archaeological remains of a crucified body, found in an ossuary near Jerusalem and dating from the time of Christ, indicate that the nails were tapered iron spikes approximately 5 to 7 in (13 to 18 cm) long with a square shaft 3/8 in (1 cm) across. (23,24,30) Furthermore, ossuary findings and the Shroud of Turin have documented that the nails commonly were driven through the wrists rather than the palms. (22-24,30)

After both arms were fixed to the crossbar, the patibulum and the victim, together, were lifted onto the stipes. (11) On the low cross, four soldiers could accomplish this relatively easily. However, on the tall cross, the soldiers used either wooden forks or ladders. (11)

Next, the feet were fixed to the cross, either by nails or ropes. Ossuary findings and the Shroud of Turin suggest that nailing was the preferred Roman practice. (23,24,30) Although the feet could be fixed to the sides of the stipes or to a wooden footrest (suppedaneum), they usually were nailed directly to the front of the stipes. (11) To accomplish this, flexion of the knees may have been quite prominent, and the bent legs may have been rotated laterally (23-25,30)

When the nailing was completed, the titulus was attached to the cross, by nails or cords, just above the victim's head. (11) The soldiers and the civilian crowd often taunted and jeered the condemned man, and the soldiers customarily divided up his clothes among themselves. (11,25) The length of survival generally ranged from three or four hours to three or four days and appears to have been inversely related to the severity of the scourging. (3,11) However, even if the scourging had been relatively mild, the Roman soldiers could hasten death by breaking the legs below the knees (crurifragium or skelokopia). (3,11)

Not uncommonly, insects would light upon or burrow into the open wounds or the eyes, ears, and nose of the dying and helpless victim, and birds of prey would tear at these sites. (16) Moreover, it was customary to leave the corpse on the cross to be devoured by predatory animals. (3,11,12,28) However, by Roman law, the family of the condemned could take the body for burial, after obtaining permission from the Roman judge. (11)

Since no one was intended to survive crucifixion, the body was not released to the family until the soldiers were sure that the victim was dead. By custom, one of the Roman guards would pierce the body with a sword or lance. (3,11) Traditionally, this had been considered a spear wound to the heart through the right side of the chest -- a fatal wound probably taught to most Roman soldiers. (11) The Shroud of Turin documents this form of injury. (5,11,22) Moreover, the standard infantry spear, which was 5 to 6 ft (1.5 to 1.8 m) long (30) could easily have reached the chest of a man crucified on the customary low cross. (11)

Medical Aspects of Crucifixion

With a knowledge of both anatomy and ancient crucifixion practices, one may reconstruct the probably medical aspects of this form of slow execution. Each wound apparently was intended to produce intense agony, and the contributing causes of death were numerous.

The scourging prior to crucifixion served to weaken the condemned man and, if blood loss was considerable, to produce orthostatic hypotension and even hypovolemic shock. (8, 12) When the victim was thrown to the ground on his back, in preparation for transfixion of his hands, his scourging wounds most likely would become torn open again and contaminated with dirt. (2,14) Furthermore, with each respiration, the painful scourging wounds would be scraped against the rough wood of the stipes. (7) As a result, blood loss from the back probably would continue throughout the crucifixion ordeal.

With arms outstretched but not taut, the wrists were nailed to the patibulum. (7,11) It has been shown that the ligaments and bones of the wrist can support the weight of a body hanging from them , but the palms cannot. (11) Accordingly, the iron spikes probably were driven between the radius and the carpals or between the two rows of carpal bones, (2,10,11,30) either proximal to or through the strong bandlike flexor retinaculum and the various intercarpal ligaments. Although a nail in either location in the wrist might pass between the bony elements and thereby produce no fractures, the likelihood of painful periosteal injury would seem great. Furthermore, the driven nail would crush or sever the rather large sensorimotor median nerve. (2,7,11) The stimulated nerve would produce excruciating bolts of fiery pain in both arms. (7,9) Although the severed median nerve would result in paralysis of a portion of the hand, ischemic contractures and impalement of various ligaments by the iron spike might produce a clawlike grasp.

Most commonly, the feet were fixed to the front of the stipes by means of an iron spike driven through the first or second intermetatarsal space, just distal to the tarsometatarssal joint. (2,5,8,11,30) It is likely that the deep peroneal nerve and branches of the medial and lateral plantar nerves would have been injured by the nails. Although scourging may have resulted in considerable blood loss, crucifixion per se was a relatively bloodless procedure, since no major arteries, other than perhaps the deep plantar arch, pass through the favored anatomic sites of transfixion. (2,10,11)

The major pathophysiologic effect of crucifixion, beyond the excruciating pain, was a marked interference with normal respiration, particularly exhalation. The weight of the body, pulling down on the outstretched arms and shoulders, would tend to fix the intercostal muscles in an inhalation state and thereby hinder passive exhalation. (2,10,11) Accordingly, exhalation was primarily diaphragmatic, and breathing was shallow. It is likely that this form of respiration would not suffice and that hypercarbia would soon result. The onset of muscle cramps or tetanic contractions, due to fatigue and hypercarbia, would hinder respiration even further. (11)

Adequate exhalation required lifting the body by pushing up on the feet and by flexing the elbows and adducting the shoulders. (2) However, this maneuver would place the entire weight of the body on the tarsals and would produce searing pain. (7) Furthermore, flexion of the elbows would cause rotation of the wrists about the iron nails and cause fiery pain along the damaged median nerves. (7) Lifting of the body would also painfully scrape the scourged back against the rough wooden stipes. (2,7) Muscle cramps and paresthesias of the outstretched and uplifted arms would add to the discomfort. (7) As a result, each respiratory effort would become agonizing and tiring and lead eventually to asphyxia. (2,3,7,10)

The actual cause of death by crucifixion was multifactorial and varied somewhat with each case, but the two most prominent causes probably were hypovolemic shock and exhaustion asphyxia. (2,3,7,10) Other possible contributing factors included dehydration, (7,16) stress-induced arrhythmias, (3) and congestive heart failure with the rapid accumulation of pericardial and perhaps pleural effusions. (2,7,11) Crucifracture (breaking the legs below the knees), if performed, led to an asphyxic death within minutes. (11) Death by crucifixion was, in every sense of the word, excruciating (Latin, excruciatus, or "out of the cross").

Crucifixion of Jesus

After the scourging and the mocking, at about 9 AM, the Roman soldiers put Jesus' clothes back on him and then led him and two thieves to be crucified. (1) Jesus apparently was so weakened by the severe flogging that he could not carry the patibulum from the Praetorium to the site of the crucifixion one third of a mile (600 to 650 m) away (1,3,5,7) Simon of Cyrene was summoned to carry Christ's cross, and the processional then made its way to Golgotha (or Calvary), an established crucifixion site.

Here, Jesus' clothes, except for a linen loincloth, again were removed, thereby probably reopening the scourging wounds. He then was offered a drink of wine mixed with myrrh (gall) but, after tasting it, refused the drink. (1) Finally, Jesus and the two thieves were crucified. Although scriptural references are made to nails in the hands (1), these are not at odds with the archaeological evidence of wrist wounds, since the ancients customarily considered the wrist to be a part of the hand. (7,11) The titulus was attached above Jesus' head. It is unclear whether Jesus was crucified on the Tau cross or the Latin cross; archaeological findings favor the former (11) and early tradition the latter. (38) The fact that Jesus later was offered a drink of wine vinegar from a sponge placed on the stalk of the hyssop plant (1) (approximately 20 in, or 50 cm long) strongly supports the belief that Jesus was crucified on the short cross.

The soldiers and the civilian crowd taunted Jesus throughout the crucifixion ordeal, and the soldiers cast lots for his clothing. (1) Christ spoke seven times from the cross. (1) Since speech occurs during exhalation, these short, terse utterances must have been particularly difficult and painful. At about 3 PM that Friday, Jesus cried out in a loud voice, bowed his head, and died. (1) The Roman soldiers and onlookers recognized his moment of death. (1)

Since the Jews did not want the bodies to remain on the crosses after sunset, the beginning of the Sabbath, they asked Pontius Pilate to order crucifracture to hasten the deaths of the three crucified men. (1) The soldiers broke the legs of the two thieves, but when they came to Jesus and saw that he was already dead, they did not break his legs. (1) Rather, one of the soldiers pierced his side, probably with an infantry spear, and produced a sudden flow of blood and water. (1) Later that day, Jesus' body was taken down from the cross and placed in a tomb. (1)

DEATH OF JESUS

Two aspects of Jesus' death have been the source of great controversy, namely, the nature of the wound in his side (4,6) and the cause of his death after only several hours on the cross. (13-17).

The gospel of John describes the piercing of Jesus' side and emphasizes the sudden flow of blood and water. (1) Some authors have interpreted the flow of water to be ascites (12) or urine, from an abdominal midline perforation of the bladder. (15) However, the Greek word (pleura (32,35,,36) used by John clearly denoted laterality and often implied the ribs. (6,32,36)

Therefore, it seems probable that the wound was in the thorax and well away from the abdominal midline.

Although the side of the wound was not designated by John, it traditionally has been depicted on the right side. (4) Supporting this traditions is the fact that a large flow of blood would be more likely with a perforation of the distended and thin-walled right atrium or ventricle than the thick-walled and contracted left ventricle. Although the side of the wound may never be established with certainty, the right seems more probable than the left.

Some of the skepticism in accepting John's description has arisen from the difficulty in explaining, with medical accuracy, the flow of both blood and water. Part of this difficulty has been based on the assumption that the blood appeared first, then the water. However, in the ancient Greek, the order of words generally denoted prominence and not necessarily a time sequence. (37) Therefore, it seems likely that John was emphasizing the prominence of blood rather than its appearance preceding the water.

Therefore, the water probably represented serous pleural and pericardial fluid, (5-7,11) and would have preceded the flow of blood and been smaller in volume than the blood. Perhaps in the setting of hypovolemia and impending acute heart failure, pleural and pericardial effusions may have developed and would have added to the volume of apparent water. (5,11) The blood, in contrast, may have originated from the right atrium or the right ventricle or perhaps from a hemopericardium. (5,7,11)

Jesus' death after only three to six hours on the cross surprised even Pontius Pilate. (1) The fact that Jesus cried out in a loud voice and then bowed his head and died suggests the possibility of a catastrophic terminal event. One popular explanation has been that Jesus died of cardiac rupture. In the setting of the scourging and crucifixion, with associated hypovolemia, hypoxemia, and perhaps and altered coagulable state, friable non-infective thrombotic vegetations could have formed on the aortic or mitral valve. These then could have dislodged and embolized into the coronary circulation and thereby produced an acute transmural myocardial infarction. Thrombotic valvular vegetations have been reported to develop under analogous acute traumatic conditions. (39) Rupture of the left ventricular free wall may occur, though uncommonly, in the first few hours following infarction. (40)

However, another explanation may be more likely. Jesus' death may have been hastened simply by his state of exhaustion and by the severity of the scourging, with its resultant blood loss and preshock state. (7) The fact that he could not carry his patibulum supports this interpretation. The actual cause of Jesus' death, like that of other crucified victims, may have been multifactorial and related primarily to hypovolemic shock, exhaustion asphyxia, and perhaps acute heart failure. (2,3,5-7,10,11) A fatal cardiac arrhythmia may have accounted for the apparent catastrophic terminal event.

Thus, it remains unsettled whether Jesus died of cardiac rupture or of cardiorespiratory failure. However, the important feature may be not how he died but rather whether he died. Clearly, the weight of historical and medical evidence indicates that Jesus was dead before the wound to his side was inflicted and supports the traditional view that the spear, thrust between his right ribs, probably perforated not only the right lung but also the pericardium and heart and thereby ensured his death. Accordingly, interpretations based on the assumption that Jesus did not die on the cross appear to be at odds with modern medical knowledge.

References

1. Matthew 26:17-27:61, Mark 14:12-15:47, Luke 22:7-23:56, John 13:1-19:42, the "The Holy Bible" (New International Version). Grand Rapids, Mich. Zondervan Bible Publishers, 1978.

2. Lumpkin R: The physical suffering of Christ. "J Med Assoc Ala" 1978;47:8-10,47.

3. Johnson CD: Medical and cardiological aspects of the passion and crucifixion of Jesus, the Christ. "Bol Assoc Med PR" 1978;70:97-102.

4. Barb AA: The wound in Christ's side. "J Warbury Courtauld Inst" 1971;34:320-321.

5. Bucklin R: The legal and medical aspects of the trial and death of Christ. "Sci Law" 1970; 10:14-26.

6. Mikulicz-Radecki FV: The chest wound in the crucified Christ. "Med News" 1966;14:30-40.

7. Davis CT: The crucifixion of Jesus: The passion of Christ from a medical point of view. "Ariz Med" 1965;22:183-187.

8. Tenney SM: On death by crucifixion. "Am Heart J" 1964;68:286-287.

9. Bloomquist ER: A doctor looks at crucifixion. "Christian Herald", March 1964, pp 35 46-48.

10. DePasquale NP, Burch GE: Death by crucifixion. "Am Heart J" 1963;6:434-435.

11. Barbet P: "A Doctor at Calvary: The Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ as Described by a Surgeon", Earl of Wicklow (trans). Garden City, NY, Doubleday Image Books, 1953, pp 12-18, 37-147, 159-175, 187-208.

12. Primrose WB: A surgeon looks at the crucifixion. "Hibbert J" 1949, pp 382-388.

13. Bergsma S: did Jesus die of a broken heart? "Calvin Forum" 1948;14:163-167.

14. Whitaker JR: The physical cause of the death of our Lord. "Cath Manchester Guard" 1937;15:83-91.

15. Clark CCP: What was the physical cause of the death of Jesus Christ? "Med Rec" 1890; 38:543.

16. Cooper HC: The agony of death by crucifixion. "NY Med J" 1883:38:150-153.

17. Shroud W: "Treatise on the Physical Cause of the Death of Christ and Its Relation to the Principles and Practice of Christianity" ed 2. London, Hamilton & Adams, 1871, pp 28-156, 489-494.

18. Allen AC: "The Skin: A Clinicopathological Treatise", ed 2. New York, Grune & Stratton Inc, 1967, pp 745-747.

19. Sutton RL Jr: "Diseases of the Skin", ed 11. St Louis, CV Mosby Co, 1956, pp 1393-1394.

20. Scott CT: A case of haematidrosis. "Br Med J" 1918;1:532-533.

21. Klauder JV: Stigmatization. "Arch Dermatol Syphilol" 1938;37:650-659.

22. Weaver KF: The mystery of the shroud. "Natl Geogr" 1980;157:730-753.

23. Tzaferis V: Jewish tombs at and near Giv'at ha-Mivtar, Jerusalem. "Israel Explor J" 1970;20:38-59.

24. Haas N: Anthropological observations on the skeletal remains from Giv'at ha-Mivtar. "Israel Explor J" 1970;20:38-59.

25. McDowell J: "The Resurrection Factor" San Bernardino, Calif, Here's Life Publishers, 1981, pp 20-53, 75-103.

26. McDowell J: "Evidence That Demands a Verdict: Historical Evidence for the Christian Faith." San Bernardino, Calif, Here's Life Publishers, 1979, pp 39-87, 141-263.

27. McDowell J: "More Than a Carpenter" Wheaton, Ill, Tyndale House Publishers, 1977, pp 36-71, 89-100.

28. Hengel M: "Crucifixion in the Ancient World and the folly of the Message of the Cross" Bowden J (trans) Philadelphia, Fortress Press, 1977, pp 22-45, 86-90.

29. Ricciotti G: "The Life of Christ" Zizzamia AI (trans). Milwaukee, Bruce Publishing Co, 1947, pp 29-57, 78-153, 161-167, 586-647.

30. Pfeiffer CF, Vos HF, Rea J (eda): "Wycliffe Bible Encyclopedia." Chicago Moody Press, 1975, pp 149-152, 404-405, 713-723, 1173,1174, 150-1523.

31. Greenleaf S: "An Examination of the Testimony of the four Evangelists by the Rules of Evidence Administered in the Courts of Justice." Grand Rapids, Mich, Baker Book House, 1965, p. 29.

32. Hatch E, Redpath HA: "A Concordance to the Septuagint and the Other Greek Versions of the Old Testament (Including the Apocryphal Books) Graz, Austria, Akademische Druce U Verlagsanstalt, 1975, p 1142.

33. Wuest KS: "Wuest Word Studies From the Greek New Testament for the English Reader." Grand Rapids, Mich. WB Eerdmans Publisher, 1973, vol 1, p 280.

34. Friedrich G: "Theological Dictionary of the New Testament", Bremiley G (ed-trans). Grand Rapids, Mich. WB Eerdmans Publisher, 1971, vol 7, pp 572,573,632.

35. Aradt WF, Gingrich FW: "A Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament and Other Early Christian Literature." University of Chicago Press, 1057, p 673.

36. Brown F, Driver SR, Briggs CA: "A Hebrew and English Lexicon of the Old Testament With an Appendix Containing the Biblical Aramaic." Oxford, England, Clarendon Press, 1953, pp 841, 854.

37. Robertson AT: "A Grammar of the Greek New Testament in Light of Historical Research." Nashville, Tenn, Broadman Press, 1931, pp 417-427.

38. Jackson SM (ed): "The New Schaff-Herzog Encyclopedia of Religious Knowledge." New York, Funk & Wagnalls, 1909, pp 312-314.

39. Kim H-S, Suzuki M, Lie JT, et al: Nonbacterial thrombotic endocarditis (NBTE) and disseminated intravascular coagulation (DIC): Autopsy study of 36 patients. "Arch Pathol Lab Med" 1977;101:65-68.

40. Becker AE, van Mantgem J-P: Cardiac tamponade: A study of 50 hearts. "Eur J Cardiol" 1975;3:349-358.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

I Drank the CAT'S Water!

You drank the cat's ? water? you say??

Yes...yes I did.

My friend Pstamper was in tears from laughing so hard when I brought her to the area and explained what happened.

I was almost in tears when it happened but not because I was laughing.

Even mild germaphobes DON'T want to drink their cat's water...which was really community pet water because the other cat drinks it and the dog has stuck his tongue in there too.

I will come back to this when I can... to explain.

Happy Seaspray



I am extremely happy to say that I got a good report from my urodoc!!!

My renal scan was good and my renal function even went up a bit.

And... and I may never have to have the reconstructive ureteral surgery!

So..it's LOOKING GOOD! YAY!!

I will see him again for a follow-up in the fall. I will have to have follow-ups to be certain my ureter is remaining open... but if I keep getting a good report, then they will be less often.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if I am finally healing!

Thank you God and thank you Urodoc! :)

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Sleepless!

Ugh!

Why is it that whenever I have to do something important...I can't sleep worth a darn the night before. Today it's about the renal scan consult... but it even happens the night before a vacation I am excited about going on.

I anticipated this and so I took 1 Benadryl and drank a glass of tonic water. (My doctor said that he and his wife drink 8 oz of tonic water before they go to bed at night.) I do not make a habit of the Benadryl at all, but desperate times call for desperate measures. :) I went to bed at 1 to get up at 9. Eight hours is perfect for me.

I think I woke up almost every hour and finally gave up and just got up at 08:30. *sigh*

Why does that happen?

How can I counter it?

Oh...and I read for a half hour in bed too.

It could be part hormonal, but I have always experienced this. The night before going into SDS, to have a baby or the first day of a new job. Even as a little girl, I'd lie awake in my bed thinking about the fun school trip we were going on the next day. :)

Just when I need to sleep most... my body says no. I think I am subconsciously gearing up for the next day.

Do other people do this?

This morning I am pretty sure that my coffee is manna from heaven. Really...thank God for coffee! :)

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Uro Appointment



Tomorrow...I have my uro consult regarding the last renal scan.

I'm nervous.

But I know it will be fine. Well I don't know it will be fine but I think it will be fine. Logically anyway... I am thinking that if there were a problem... they would've called me in sooner. And besides I feel fine. I mean.. sometimes I ache but that goes with the territory...and... MOST of all and I mean like 95% of the time... I feel fine.

Of course the tricky part is that the ureter scarring closed is usually asymptomatic. Oh..there may be symptoms..but very subtle if at all. Unless renal colic...THAT will get your attention! But even that doesn't mean I am blocked again. People do get kidney stones and have free flowing working ureters/plumbing.

And when I was seriously sick the 1st time...I NEVER had any renal colic.

One thing I do know...at least this has been my experience... if you ever get serious..profound chills that cause you to be so cold and shiver/shake so hard that nothing will get you warm and you can't function because you are too busy trying to warm up under layers of blankets and clothing and especially if you have a history of urologic infections... you need to call your physician and then go to the emergency department because odds are that you have a serious infection. But you could also have an infection going on that has nothing to do with urology. I am not talking about the pithy by comparison flu chills... but rather the kind of chills to your bones that cause you to think you might die. Don't mess around and delay treatment if that happens. I did the 1st time and I believe became more ill because of it.

Maybe I shouldn't advise... but that was my experience the 1st time and so when it happened the last time... I knew better. Knowing what I know now (I could write a book! :), that is now one of my criteria for seeking medical attention.

This last time... I did have renal colic 1st..then chills. But the 1st time... the chills came out of nowhere and then I went on a couple of weeks not even realizing I was sick until it hit hard.

So... on the one hand... I try not to be hypervigilant and only want to think good thoughts and believe I am healed, which I usually do ...yet at the same time... I have to pay attention to the subtle changes if any.

So.. back to tomorrows office visit. I am hoping and praying for good news... because I still do not want to have to do the surgery. I keep hoping for total healing.

If I had to be stented... I could deal with that. But I do think I am fine.

I don't know if anyone else ever feels this way... but whenever I have lab tests or any kind of evaluation where I am hoping for a healthy report... I do feel a bit nervous because I just want to hear the good report and then feel flooded with relief. The official..your good to go. :)

And I am very comfortable with my doctor and he always puts me at ease ...but I always feel squirrelly just til I hear the good news.

I guess that is just the way it is in life with anything important. The test grade, approval on the loan, did we get the house, etc., ...all the things we are anxious about... even good things...there is always that little bit of tension until you get the positive answer.
*************************************************************************************
Yesterday...when Mom called ... I thought she was dying. She sounded awful on the phone.

It is so difficult when an Alzheimer patient repeatedly asks for help, but then is unable to articulate what the problem is. She often says "Help me, help me." and it rips my heart out because I am concerned that we may miss something she need relief/help with.

However today... she looked good..tired but alert..eyes opened and talked a bit. She even reached out to hold my hand which warmed my heart while simultaneously being bittersweet as I watched her small bony, frail hand reach over and then clasp mine. That was a special moment.

And tonight...she told me to watch the traffic when I was leaving... just like she always did. I left feeling comforted by the familiar mom I know. Moments in time...ever fleeting.
***********************************************************************************
I know I said I would write a post about what I drank that had my germophobometer gyrating and I will soon. That was a couple of weeks ago and I obviously survived the ordeal. ;)

I've been busy. Also, Easter is coming and I HAVE to do the TAXES. TAXES... are one thing I procrastinate on for sure. I don't know why... because when I actually get everything together and itemized, etc and am entering the info...I think it is fun... especially if the numbers change in our favor. When they don't... ugh! Annoying!

I'll write soon.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Bad Cat Day :)

ashley,me,cat by you.

Don't ya just love his facial expression?! Hilarious with the hair too and the image ... imagining the cat tossing around in dryer.

Okay...admittedly... while I DO love my cat...I am probably exhibiting some displaced hostility... because he is soooo destructive (just put a hole in another new screen the other day!) and it's not like he has this winning affectionate personality to compensate either.

I have NEVER seen one animal repeatedly do so much damage. He is the poster cat for never owning another cat... seriously.

Then my mother's cat we adopted IS the poster cat for owning a cat. He is so affectionate and doesn't claw anything other then the one little rug I let him use.

I'll put their pictures up sometime.

I was concerned 2 adult males would fight. They hissed at each other initially and now just do their own thing. Ha! And sometimes they chase each other through the house...which is really funny. :)

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Quotes from Joe MD

"Use procrastination as a guide for: 1) what you don't want in your life, or 2) opportunities for personal growth." ~ Joemd ~

"
Hope = Vision. Realism = Predictabilty. Realistic Hope = Creative envisioning, an opportunity."
~ Joemd ~

I thoroughly enjoy what Joe MD has to say on twitter! His short tweets usually evoke strong feelings or deep thought within me. And ...he's a nice guy. :)

I think his patients are VERY fortunate to have him for their physician and from what he has written... I know he feels fortunate to have them as patients. Joe MD often shares how his patients have touched his soul... as well as sharing how life experiences in general cause him to gain further insights and appreciation for the day's events and other people around him. He is one of the most insightful people I have read in the med blogasphere.

That being said...there are so many insightful people in the medblogasphere... but in a short tweet he effects such a positive response in me. I can only imagine how great it is to have him for a physician or friend. :)

I very much look forward to the opening of his blog.

So Joe... when ARE you opening your blog??? :)

I should've been out of here a while ago. I am going to work on my procrastination tendencies and this part of the quote especially speaks to me: "
Use procrastination as a guide for: 1) what you don't want in your life"

And I am making myself miserable...the more I am avoiding doing some significant things I need to do. Avoidance is downright draining and wastes a so much energy while creating even more negative energy.

I really DO NOT WANT the things in my life that I have been procrastinating on doing/getting rid of, etc., and I am going to internalize that quote and repeat it every time I put off doing what I need to do.

That small statement
"Use procrastination as a guide for: 1) what you don't want in your life" is resonating throughout my being and I hope that it will enable me to break free of the things weighing me down and holding me back...from doing what I REALLY WANT to be doing. I have been in a holding pattern to long and yes... life has gotten a bit complicated over the last few years... but enough already!

I want my life back... and I am the only one who can do that for myself.

Thanks again for your insights JoeMD! :)