Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Spider Diet

http://www.lesjones.com/images/posts/spiderflower.jpg

I'm gonna have a nightmare tonight ..I just know it! Too much spider talk and now this picture ..giving me the willies. UGH!

YIKES! I'm STILL shuddering over what happened earlier. Ughhhh!

I was sitting with the lights off, watching the end of a movie ..when something big and dark ..bug like ..went scurrying right past me and my bare feet and seemed to stop not far from me..but I couldn't tell if it was still there.

"Oh my GOD! Was THAT a SPIDER???" If it was a spider ..then it was the biggest, chunkiest most muscular spider I've ever seen... just shy the size of a TARANTULA!! "HELP!!" Okay - exaggerating ..a little.

Except no one was around to help me. I could holler for my sound asleep husband ..and I was close to doing it ...but thought I can do this.

But I froze for a minute.

Did I say I was AFRAID of spiders? I'd use the word phobic ..but if I was phobic I don't think I could've moved ..or taken another breath for that matter.

What to do? What to do?

"Yell for Mr SeaSpray? No..I'll do this. But I'm barefoot. What if it runs out at me? What if it runs out and across my feet ..or ..up my leg?? Is this the flying spider or bat spider my neighbor says they have in their basement that jumps out AT THEM???? It's dark in here. Where is it? Maybe I'll ignore it. No ...I CAN'T ignore it! What if it lurks around and climbs on me when I least expect it? Or what if it finds it's way into the bedroom and crawls on my face when I'm sleeping? It could end up anywhere. DARN IT!"

(There is a name for it the leaping spider..but I forget what she calls it. I never heard of such a thing ..a BIG spider that LEAPS out at you. I might just scream and pass out if THAT ever happened .. and be TRAUMATIZED! maybe it's a cave spider? Anyway ..you can bet that only Mr SeaSpray would have the laundry chore in the basement. No way would I play jack-in-the-spider (like jack-in-the-box), never know when it will POP out at you!)

And by the way ..I was feeling very creepy crawly and afraid as I was quickly considering my options. The kind of feeling you get when you think something might be crawling on you... the bad borderline goose bump feeling.

Fortunately there was a paper towel nearby.

Unfortunately ..I was still barefoot.

Also ..unfortunately ..I had to walk toward the thing in order to turn the light on... because the only light I had to go by was emanating from the TV and the computer and the rug is a floral and I couldn't tell if it was still around and blended into the rug pattern.

So ..I psyched myself up to go for the light ..took a breath and went for the chain pull on the lamp ..but not without 1st circling out of the way and coming in straight on ..because I was afraid to walk a straight line over ..just in case it was along where I'd walk ..although ..it could've come at me from behind if it ..the spider decided to circle and come at me from behind.

These thoughts and my actions were actually transpiring quickly. Yes ..true ..I was paralyzed in abject, yet thoughtful fear ..but once I moved ...I knew it had to be swift ..outsmart the spider with a first strike.

"God help me ..THERE it is! Just lying in wait." Ugh ..I'm shuddering now ..just reliving the moment. I stared at it and it stared back at me ..well it felt like it. I knew it was him ..or me and I had to get it right the first time or I could end up being very afraid and screaming.

"Okay ..I'm going in ..for the KILL! Aghhh!!!, I shrieked (with a high pitch) as it dropped out of the paper towel! It was still ALIVE and MOVING!! I showed NO mercy the second time, heard it pop and crunch ..I know ..EWWW!

And then with this big, muscular spider in the paper towel being squeezed closed to contain it ..ever afraid it might still be alive and come out at me ... I ran into the bathroom (because everyone knows that the only SAFE way to dispose of a bug is by FLUSHING it down the toilet), and tossed it in the toilet and flushed quickly .. because ..what if it rallied back and jumped out somehow and so everyone knows you have to flush a bug down the toilet QUICKLY. Ugh!!!

But then I also had to tinkle ...' like really go right then and sit on the same toilet I just flushed the big spider down. So I flushed it again for extra measure ..just in case. Do you know how CREEPY it was to tinkle right then? I couldn't get off the seat fast enough! Ugh! I just shuddered again at the thought!

Anyway ..there is an up side to this little drama.

I have been trying to lose weight and I have been yo-yoing... up - down, up- down and technically have lost a good amount of weight if you count all the losses this past year ..but then go back up and then back down. I am trying to get into what I call another weight zone. I have to hit a certain number (that I haven't seen in years), and if I hit that number ..which is not far from where I am now ..well it will be a major milestone that will empower me to believe I can do it and to continue. At one point .. a couple of years ago ..I was within 2 lbs of that goal and then climbed back up ..not all the way ..but I just can't get to that stupid number.. but I will.

Before the big, muscular spider ran across in front of me and scared me silly ..I was wrestling with the most unbelievable pseudo hunger and really wanted to eat and eat and eat and I was imagining all these things that maybe I would go get to eat ..even though I was still full from dinner and actually did NOT want to eat any of the things I was imagining ..because I was still full ..but yet was feeling this intense urge to eat.

The upside is ..that the spider SCARED me so much ..I FORGOT all about being hungry!!

So ..I have an idea. The Spider Diet! To qualify as a food candidate for said Spider Diet .. you only need to be near spider phobic in fear levels. Oh and courageous and perhaps a bit masochistic.

My worst time for eating is at night.

I'm thinking of Pavlov's dogs theory in reverse.

Instead of cuing me for when it is time to eat ... I need to be cued to NOT want to eat. So ... I just have to tell Mr SeaSpray that I am feeling hungry ..but don't want to eat and then he could release a big, muscular spider in front of me every night .. that I then have to with great fear and trepidation ...trap and kill.

I am telling you .. if you factor in the fear component ...it is a guaranteed appetite suppressant! Unless you are a bird, wasp, frog, or scorpion .. or a member of that tribe down in South America that risks their lives by catching poisonous spiders for roasting on open fire before eating it. Yeah ..they risk their lives catching and killing these spiders because they are considered a delicacy to eat. They poke a long stick through these big spiders to roast over the fire. That documentary was a horror show and I can't believe I watched it in it's entirety. That frozen with fear thing set in again I guess.

Unfortunately ..the spider didn't come out until after I ate the Eskimo ice cream bar.. but I would've had more to eat and the damage would've been worse for sure. I don't know why that feeling to eat when not hungry comes up with such intensity ..but it is exactly what is holding me back from achieving my goal.

So ...my theory is ...that a few weeks of the nightly Spider Diet will destroy any hunger desires that would otherwise enslave me and so I would be set free from any pseudo hunger compulsions. Of course there is the possibility ..it could kill off all hunger responses... and so the key is to only release the spiders at night ..thus preventing night binging... yet facilitating weight loss.

Might need a little therapy for the ensuing nightmares though. :)

6 comments:

le0pard13 said...

Fun post, SeaSpray (but that image you used for it was a bit off-putting). I was the official spider-killer of my household for the longest time. But, I training my apprentice, my 14 year old son, to do the chores now ;-). Thanks for this.

SeaSpray said...

Hi Le0pard13- Thanks about the post and glad you enjoyed it. :) I decided you were right and decided to remove the girl eating spider pic. It conveyed how creepy I felt. But actually ..this spider is creepy too.. all spiders are but daddy Long legs. :)

It's always nice to have helpers with bugs. I always pass it off to the guys when I can. :)

I didn't forget about the tag. having hard time coming up with lies ... but i will. :)

StorytellERdoc said...

Too darn funny, Ms. SeaSpray! Right now at our house, ladybugs have made an appearance and you either love 'em or you don't! Hope your spider soup turned out great! LOL Well done.

Chrysalis Angel said...

That was funny. I hate spiders, ick!
When Fireguy goes to get them, he always misses. I think he does it on purpose, just to freak me out. Why else is he laughing when he turns to me and says, "I don't know where it went." shriek...."Find it!"

SeaSpray said...

Hi Angel and Jim - You both cracked me up with your comments. :)

Spider soup. I'll have to work on that. I am a firm believer in the nutritional value of homemade soups and certain spider soup would be filled with protein and easy on the budget if we catch our own. ;)

ugh! another spider nightmare tonight! Revenge of the SOUP Spiders ..where they resurrect themselves...deformed with misplaced body parts ..crawling out of the pot with a planned attack. Okay ..scaring myself and stopping now. ;)

SeaSpray said...
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