Thursday, March 11, 2010
Part I - Morning Remorse ...
It is not my intent to offend anyone with this what I suppose is a somewhat provocative post ..but rather it is a true confession that I need to get off my chest... one that I believe is in my best interest to release ... if I truly want to be set free from the strongholds of this self imposed imprisonment I have allowed for myself. It is in the darkness that our deepest secrets and/or fears are magnified ..but when we allow the light to shine upon them .. if we embrace truth ...the secrets and fears ..they will dissipate ...thus no longer having the same power to cripple us they once had.
I can't believe it (or can I?) ...given my mind set just a few hours earlier.. but I caved ..and almost without a thought ..as naturally as taking my next breath. MMMMmm ... i-n-h-a-l-e ....
Not only did I cave ..but I have to say what they say is true .. "If you're going to cheat ..make sure it's worth it." Oh... it was! I had the best of lovers last night ..one of my most coveted objects of desire.
Forsaking my priorities, hopes and dreams ..yet ..one more time .. with reckless abandon ..and it was s-o-o-o good. And in the middle of it ...I admit to having thoughts of .."I got what I wanted ..stop now." But I couldn't ..and honestly ..I didn't even try. They say the thrill is in the chase ..although it was I who had been pursued .. this time, but if I am honest ..deep down ..I wanted to be. "Just give me a reason to say "Yes.", whispered my subconscious. When the opportunity for consummation of unrequited love presented ...I could not turn away ...once the boundaries had been crossed ...once immersed in the throes of the forbidden passion ...I-could-not-turn-away.
No doubt why they say .. "You don't miss what you never had."
No doubt why they say .."Don't cross the line."
But I did.
Seduction disguised ...insidiously having her way with me ..so that I was wooed by the familiar ... comforted by my multiple past transgressions ..that in a moment of weakness ...consumed by lust ..I surrendered myself ..wholly ..completely .. eagerly...
before I hardly knew what happened ..
and before I knew I was in the place of no return .. a place where guilt and voice of reason were faint cries ...deeply buried by the pleasures of the moment.
Having abounded in the pleasures of the moment...
all was well in my world ..
despite my transgression.
And then this morning ..while lying on my back beneath the twisted sheets ... as I opened my blue eyes ... my dark brown hair tousled, settled across the pillows ...the previous night's memories barraging my waking mind ...my lover no where to be found ...not a trace of what had transpired between the two of us... my thoughts lingered on our inevitable encounter... the feelings satisfied ever so fleetingly ...and my realization of what I had done ...instantly catapulting me into feelings of profound remorse.
How could I?
Certainly not the first time I asked that of myself on the morning after.
And so ...as the clarity of my previous night's act of careless surrender took center stage in my mind's eye this morning ...I felt as though I would drown under the weight of the all consuming and profound remorse that was now holding me captive.
And then ...I had an epiphany moment.
To be continued...
Wait! I assume anyone that knows me would know that this is not as it possibly appears to some and so let me clarify this with 5 little words.
CHOCOLATE MINT GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!!!