Friday, June 18, 2010

Urine on Demand! (Revised)



Fortunately for me, she only handed me one and so I didn't have to fill ALL of them. ;)

I know it must seem odd that I would post so often on urine ..but I had been a frequent flier urology patient for a while and so I tend to goopposite my feelings about it all and make a joke of it. It's my way of venting. Also ..if you don't already know this ..I have a zany sense of humor ..downright inane sometimes. I also have a keen ability to see humor inalmost anything. There is a medical blogger (much better writer than me), that if the two of us ever co-authored a funny post ..I think you'd have to wear seat belts for the ride through the post ..says me.

Okay ..back to the urine/urology stuff. So ..given my past experience with urology ..anytime I see a potential uro humor post ..it screams .."WRITE ME! WRITE ME!" They say if you don't laugh ..you cry. I don't have anything urologically to cry about thank God ..but why not laugh anyway? Oh and in my day to day real life ..I promise ..I don't even say the "U" word. Nah..I save that for you lucky readers. ;)

Anyway ..everything in the following post happened last week ..except um ..I may have embellished a bit on the urology office protocol ..but ..shh ..between just you and me ..I think it is the law ..law of the universe prerequisite kind of law for any urology office. ;)

Oh and I bet your thinking this post is gonna be about a urology office visit. Nope. It's actually about a pcp office visit. But if urine is ever involved in my writing ..I just have to incorporate something about the urology profession. :)

Last Friday ..I stopped by Dr PCP's office to pick something up. Waiting my turn at the window ... I was standing behind a very chatty man and decided to sit down while he chatted. He was sweet and as I watched and listened to him ..I realized I was witnessing a rare event. I don't know about you ..but in my life ..chatty men are practically non existent. Oh they talk ...sparingly ..grunt ..nod ..but chatty definitely does not enter into the picture. Now ..admittedly ..some would say that they would have to be quiet ..to interact with ME. :)

Although ..actually ..my PCP is delightfullytalkative too and it's always fun speaking with him. I'll bet we could talk all day! Ha! Perish the thought doctors! Imagine your talking with one chatty patient ALL day. It's okay .. I understand if you need to toss one back at just the thought of that ..before you read the rest of the post. Unnerving I know. ;)

But I digress. I'm chatty you know. :)

I went back up to the window after he sat down. I said a couple of things and then asked for what I was picking up ..but it wasn't there.

I had to wait a bit as the office was Busy with a capital "B". Grand Central Station "B"usy! Murphy's law kind of busy for 3:45 on a Friday afternoon.

When the receptionist called me back up to the window ..I thought I would just get what I came in for ..but instead ..she said that my Doc wanted a urine sample.

"Wait a minute ..WHAT?! Where AM I?", I quickly pondered to myself. But out loud I was clearly taken aback at her/his request and so exclaimed "URINE?! From ME?!"

Now there was a time that was the norm ..but that would be in the urology office ...not the PCP.

I've said it before ..anyone who's ever entered a urology office KNOWS it is a prerequisite to entering said uro office that you have to give a urine sample. It's just the way it is. It's a right of passage and the only way you will get into the inner sanctum of the uro office. Why ..even the urologists give their own sample before entering into the clinic ..um ...inner sanctum. Really ...it's just the way it is. ;)

I've never been in a uro office that didn't want my urine.

Like I said, this was my private Doc's office. He never asks for urine when walking in the door. And ..I wasn't even scheduled for a visit.

So she said "Yes ..he wants a urine sample.", as she handed me the little cup with wipe. Oh how familiar. Btw ..do they ever think about how small these little cups are? I've got aim so perfected now that I could be in the Urine Specimen Cup Olympics! With precision (remember ..Mom introduced me as precise - that trait obviously* spills* over into other areas ..pun intended.. but just no spillage over the cup ;) ..I know I could fill a cup rapidly and go for the gold with my champagne of body fluids. Toast anyone? But for someone not coordinated ..well ...let's not go there. Maybe ...if they got a trainer?

So I continued .."He wants urine NOW? ..On DEMAND?"

"You can't go on demand? I can"

Not to be outdone .. "Well yeah ..I CAN go on demand ...I'll just go in there right now." (pointing to the restroom door at the end of the hallway) But I really did not feel like I had to go ..at all. Go figure. I dehydrated myself like a camel because I knew I'd be out. However .. if there is one thing I am good at ..it's whizzie winkling and I can do it with the best of em. I think I just never have a shortage of the liquid gold in my system. Forget about blood. I'm pretty sure my body is comprised of water covered by skin. It all has to come from somewhere. I didn't even feel it in me and could've filled the whole cup ...if I wanted to be that generous.

Then, while I was already in there I realized ..I commented to her that I was really thirsty. So Obviously ..he was checking for sugar.

I labeled it with date and my info and when I left ..I placed it on the counter in their lab. I then proceeded to the front desk and with the enthusiasm of a 5 yr old ..proudly announced
I was
ableto give the sample! You'd think I was gonna get a gold star or something for that amazing feat! ;) With equal enthusiasm she said, "GOOD!"

It's kind of weird when 2 adult women are happy about urine ..I'm just sayin.


I told her I would give her a check for the copay. She said I didn't have to pay a copay.

"You don't want a copay?"

"Nope."

"It's free?"

"Yes, You don't have to pay it."

"Oh Good! Well my urine is free too. I mean ...I don't give it away to just anyone ..but Dr PCP can have it. But shh! Don't tell anyone! :)"

Both receptionists laughing now.

"As a matter of fact when I'm healthy ..my whizzie winkles even SPARKLE!" (I've written about it in my blog, but they didn't know that and i could see it was a new concept to them. I was apparently on a roll about urine.)

And then we got talking about the SCRUBS episode where Elliot Reed can't say vagina and uses euphemisms. The chief comes up to her one day to inform her that a patient of hers" can't make whizzie winkles out of her sea biscuit."

We all laughed some more. :)

Anyway .. I thanked them and as I walked through the door to go to the outside door ..I looked into the waiting room for my friend (who wasn't in there) and to my right .. sitting against the far wall across from me ..was a man .. a middle aged man sitting in a chair ..just grinning at me ..and I felt my face get hot as I smiled back at him.

I was in the hallway with the door closed ..but the reception window was open on the other side of the door and so he heard the whole thing. Gee! I guess we provided him with a little afternoon entertainment. :)

Then they called later to say my urine sample was normal and quite pretty. Hey a girl's always appreciative of a well placed compliment. Okay fine! They didn't really say my whizzie winkles were pretty ..but I'll bet they were thinking it. I'm just sayin. ;)

Photo credit

4 comments:

rlbates said...

Happy Birthday, SeaSpray!

SeaSpray said...

Thank you Ramona! :)

melissa bastian. said...

SeaSpray - I just stumbled upon your blog and it is entertaining the heck out of me. :) Unfortunately that is largely because I can relate - just about exactly a month ago I ended up in the ER with the most horrible pain ever. EVER. Turned out to be a 6mm kidney stone blocking my left ureter! (It also had six little brothers and sisters.) I went into the hospital for laser surgery to blow the darned thing up, but they realized that my kidneys were infected, so we had to put a stent in instead. Since then I've had lithotripsy on the one big stone, but the six others are still bouncing around... It's becoming a saga at this point! This is all happening of course after 15 years of living with Fibromyalgia / Myofascial Pain Syndrome and associated problems. Anyway, it's good to know that someone else out there is making jokes about stents and pee... ;)

SeaSpray said...

Hi Melissa - I am sorry to hear of all that you have been through. I understand 100%! It was a 6mm stone that had gotten stuck in my rt ureter that caused all the scarring.

I had a different urologist then and a few mos after he finished stenting me ..he did a KUB. But there was never any follow-up after that and I just thought I was done with uro issues. never had a stone before and they said I had been working on that one for a long time.

But about 16 mos later ..scarring occurred in the damaged area and my r ureter became completely constricted at the distal end. Long story. I was one very sick lady on New Year's day 06. MAJOR infection in body because of being completely closed off again. I had a different urodoc on call and have stayed with that group.

***I would recommend you ask your urologist regarding follow-up of the large stone. But ..I also had a ureter that is more narrow than what most people have and so I would not pass even the tiniest stones... never mind a big one.

It's frustrating to have a chronic condition. I am healed at this point and believing I will continue to be. I will be having a lasix mag III renal scan soon to check kidney function and a procedure at end of year to ascertain if the uereteral scarring has arrested. Personally ..I am praying for a completely restored uereter.

I thank God for the excellent urologist and grp that I now have! Couldn't imagine having gone through all that I did with anyone else ..as their care was/is stellar and they made it all bearable.

Do you have pain from the other stones? Do they pass? I know some people do live with them in their kidney. Drink water ..lot's of water. :) My mantra now ..although I do like water as my preferred drink. But, there are times you can't drink and that is not good.

I am also sorry to hear about the fibro. I know people that have it and can be painful and frustrating.

You made my day with your comments and your understanding my humor with the urine, etc. I've written a lot of stuff on Bajingoland exams, urine, etc. I worry that it might just seem weird ..but I am 100% venting my feelings that accumulate over these things.

I discovered blogging (accidentally) because I was looking up urology info. :)

Thanks for stopping by and for your kind words. :)