Thursday, September 2, 2010

Do the Surgery

Four years, 8 months...



Abject fear.

Faith challenged.

It is in God's hands.

I do still think there could be a miracle.

I mean as long I haven't hit the steel table ...

there could be

a miracle ...


an 11th hour rescue and all.

I've heard God likes to do that.

Well ...this would be the time.

My ureter betrays me.

CT and KUB.




"DO the surgery."


"DO the surgery"

Collective voices ...

"DO ... the surgery."

It would seem that God ...

himself ..

my path directed ..

"DO ...

the surgery."

Why can't I feel it?

Why can't I get on board?

Where is my green light?

My spirit light reverberating "YES!" within?

I want to live.

This past month, Dr Charles has been hosting a poetry contest. If you appreciate poetry ..then I highly recommend you check out his blog "The Examining Room of Dr Charles" to read the fabulous poems that were submitted for the contest.

Poetry is definitely not my strong suit, although I do appreciate it. I didn't comment on many of the entries, but was profoundly moved ..time and again. Poetry ... the heart's window to the soul.

One of my favorites (so many actually) .. but affecting me profoundly a verse from "Vigil in the Night" by Anna Cospelich:To my amazement I saw a light from inside her pass by the window of her pupil
And simply go out,
Like the lantern of a lighthouse along the shore as it makes its circular rounds.
Unlike the lighthouse, this light went out forever.

I was both intrigued and moved at the thought of one's spirit light being visually perceived. Our eyes are the window to our soul ..the most real part of our being ..and thankfully ..eternal.

Dr Sid Schwab's "Surgeon's Song" spoke to me in a way I wish it didn't ..moving me deeply as well. There are so many excellent poems over there.

And after the turn of events in my personal life ..I found myself writing something for me. Then I thought ..what the heck ..I'll send it in to Dr C . Mind you it was now 12:56 ..4 minutes before deadline. :)

I just wanted to feel heard.

I want someone ...somewhere to hear my heart's cry about all of this.

I feel like no one hears me ..including God. But feelings are not fact. Often we need to override our feelings and do the right thing ..whatever that is. But ... admittedly ..I am struggling with the reality of all of this. Still resistant ... not my choice at all.

I have often wished God would just drop a sign out of the sky and tell me what to do. Because know ..if God says it ..then it has to be the right way to go.

However, after submitting this to DR C and rereading what I wrote ..I couldn't help but wonder if my answer was in the poem. ?

Medical reports and procedures, surgeons, family and friends? Perhaps this IS how God has been answering me all along. ??

"Do the Surgery."

It would now seem that it is a matter of when.

I pray the battle I think is lost ...will really be the battle won.

And I still pray for the 11th hour and 59th second miracle rescue.


rlbates said...

Very nice, SeaSpray! Best to you as you seek your answer.

Chrysalis Angel said...

I think you do know the answer. No one can answer it but you. You know how you feel, you know what's going on, and you have wise counsel.Educated, experienced counsel.

I no more wanted to go back into surgery for anything, but my body had reached the max it could handle. Granted, mine was nothing compared to what you are weighing over doing. It's just meant as an example. That when you run out of options, then you need to do something.

Big hug, Seaspray. I hear you.

SeaSpray said...

Hi Ramona and Angel- Thank you. :)

It's just a tough call for me and I am still resistant, but choice not mine anymore.

You are right ..about the wise educated counsel ..but it's not a good situation.

Some people have a high risk surgery because they will die if they don't. The stents have given me another alternative.

It is entirely different when elective vs impending death if you don't.

I just wish I could have peace or a green light sign about it.

ALLLL this because of a kidney stone. the only one I ever had. Except others after it was broken up. I assume they were remnants.

I guess this is where my faith and trust have to kick in.