Monday, March 21, 2011
With this ureteral stent being out now ...approximately 98 hours post stent removal, I feel like this afternoon was my turn around moment. I just got my first sudden and unexpected burst of energy Saturday afternoon. I began cleaning with gusto ...enjoying every second of it and was thrilled when I realized I was crunching down low and pushing things and I did not have any major pain. No aching in a place that had been bringing me to tears sometimes. No worn out tired feeling...even tho I am still recovering. And no worrying I overdid it. It is just different.
Instead ...I felt all this energy and a renewed hope came flooding into me.
I later remembered back to when I was pregnant in March with our first son.
I remembered how I've always and I know this is weird and not the norm for most people ....I remembered how I've almost always disliked March because I begin feeling sad about letting go of winter. I love winter.
And this year ...I was so grounded with this particular stent. But throughout this urology journey ...much has changed in my life on other fronts. I feel like I've built a cocoon ...a protective cocoon around myself and even though It wasn't always about the uro issues ...I detached somewhat. I really feel like I am coming out of something and the best analogy I have is that of emerging from a cocoon. I guess I was processing the losses during this time. And the changes. I am not sure. I will have to think about it. All I do know for sure ...now... is that I am ready to emerge. I am ready for new beginnings. I accept that there will be new beginnings. I am letting go of the past and the things I didn't want to say goodbye too.
I know that most people get excited with spring being around the corner ..seeing the buds on the trees and the daffodils and tulips breaking through the ground. For most people spring is a welcome respite from the cold, snowy weather. The excitement for nature coming alive again and enjoying warm, sunny days again.
But, I have a let down feeling at this time of year. Plus I don't like the transition of cold to warm and mud all around. Well ..it seems muddier. And I even stress about clothing changing from fall/winter clothing to the spring/summer and I always worry about what I will wear. And then I do the same thing when I have to transition back into fall/winter clothing... although I do eagerly anticipate the fall and winter seasons and holidays and all the things I associate with them.
But, earlier ...I got the same feeling I got when I was pregnant with our sons. I could not wait for spring and summer! I was so ready to let go of winter that year. Of course what I wanted ...was to have our precious babies. LIFE was in the air. Joyful ...EXPECTANCY was in the air. And Hope. :)
Well, it hit me today ...that I feel the same way now. I loved when earlier last week, I saw two geese on the pond out back. Then I got excited when I heard the night bugs (peepers/tree frogs?) outside for the first time this year, Thursday night. And have been thoroughly enjoying the balmy spring air and opening windows to let all the fresh air inside. And now, I can't wait to move into the beautiful spring weather and appreciate all the new beginnings in nature and in my life.
I am so grateful to feel better and to feel so free.
I feel filled with hope for all kinds of things. For me. For my family. For others. I welcome new beginnings.
I know there is much to be concerned about in our country and in our world and in my life and for some people I know. But ...I just feel hopeful ...liberated and hopeful. And grateful.