Sunday, November 13, 2011
5th Blogiversary!!!!! :)
Wow. It seems hard to believe I've been blogging for FIVE years. I am in such a different place now ...since November 13, 2006. But, then aren't we all? I wanted to have something up on the 13th ..began it ...but have just been so busy because I had been ill with an upper respiratory infection that really had me down for the count. And now I am making up for lost time ...things I wanted to do before Thanksgiving.
And I watched my beautiful grandbabies yesterday. Ha! They kept me so busy from morning to night ..that I lost TWO pounds since yesterday morning. I had a lot of fun with them. So ...TWO more wonderful blessings have been added to our family since I began blogging.
I've also been involved in some other things ...one of them medical ...that scared me greatly, but thank God ...it was a false alarm. And no ...it was not my ureter or anything urological. I know that is healed. Again - Thank you God ...and urodoc. And amidst this false alarm was some frustration with an office process that has left me feeling like I cannot ever trust things will be followed through on as they should. I hate that feeling. Anyway ...I will be posting on that.
Sooo ...back to this 5th anniversary of blogging.
I LOVE the hobby!
I've neglected this blog and not put all my energies into it as I had done initially. I want to clean it up a bit on the sidebar - reorganize ...categorize the links. And focus more writing in here. I know I have probably been more public with identifying myself than I realize. Maybe add pictures. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I do encourage you to check out the comments and their links on the side bars if you haven't read them, but scroll down as I am not sure the links are readily apparent. And there are some especially funny posts in my "Favorite Posts" section.
My blog feels like a place to go to ...to get away from things and just decompress. I liken it to that feeling I get after my second sip of an alcoholic drink ...where I can feel myself relax. I get that feeling once I have the mouse in my hand and see my SeaSpray blog come up. Although ...I don't get drunk from writing as I know would happen if I continued drinking. An yeah ...I know ...based on some things I've written ...some of you may beg to differ. :)
And when I have felt really afraid ...I have even put up prayer requests for people to agree with me in prayer regarding a situation. I didn't with the recent false alarm because I was still processing and hoping it was wrong and thankfully ...it was. It is still amazing to me how we can communicate to people locally and around the world in seconds. I believe in the power of prayer. I have no doubt my friend Mel has prayed all the way from the Philippines ...as have some others. But ...you never know who is reading and so I put the requests out there. I believe it was for urology issues ...when I had been really scared and the night I knew mom would die ...unless she had a miracle. I have since taken the prayer request for her down because it may've seemed inappropriate. But when I got that call from the nursing home that she had a GI bleed, I understood the seriousness of it ...especially in conjunction with her overall decline in health ...and did know that was the night she would die ...without a miraculous intervention ...and prayer was all I could think to do. Actually ...I could hardly think to say my own prayers that night. That is not the norm for me. But ...the fear that rose up ...the all consuming fear clouded my thinking processes all night long. (I knew the second I saw her lying there in the ED room that she was dying and would be merciful for her to go home to God and all her loved ones there. And I knew that she had already lost all quality of life due to the multiple mini strokes she had had during her stay at the nursing home. But all I could think to do amidst my tears, was to tell her to hold on that she could fight this along with other positive things to try to get her to hold on. Truthfully ...she looked like the only thing keeping her alive was the ventilator. She was not there. I wish I had told her to go home and that we loved her and we were all alright. But ...my eyes and my heart were having an argument that night. And I have to say the selfish part of my heart was winning that too. When you love someone ...you let go because you WANT the best for them. And maybe in the end ...it was just the little girl in me ...was afraid to lose her mommy and none of us can know what that is like until we walk through it. I just wish I had had more grace in the situation ...and faith. But it was what it was. And I said it before ...but, I will say it again ..the ED staff was wonderful that night ...so compassionate and caring. They had wanted me to make a decision and for as logical as I normally am ...I was incapable of it because my emotions were running so high. Her advanced directives had been botched. I am glad they were though because it allowed time for the entire family to be there when she died. I had always prayed mom would not die alone and she did not. We were all there. And I also called some people to pray for her while Mr SeaSpray was driving us over to the hospital. But ...like I said ..it was not to be. God called her home. It helped to write about it all when I was going through it.
I think blogging gives a voice to our thoughts. It is therapeutic to feel heard. It is healing.
So many blogging words have been written ...more than you know. I have never felt stressed or like I had to do it. I would not if that was the case. It's been mostly fun. My favorite posts are the funny ones - the ones that make me laugh ...which is a good thing in case no one else does. And of course if you laugh ...it makes my day. I know I've shared this in the past, but a mutual blogging friend and I had a blogging friend from Europe and her husband is a physician. She told me that sometimes when reading my posts before going to work in the morning ...that he could hardly catch his breath from laughing so hard. One of my favorite comments ever. :) (I do wonder what happened to her because she just disappeared from cyberspace. I hope she is alright.)
I appreciate the friends I have made in the blogasphere. I used to refer to my personal life as my "real" life, but now I consider the close blogging friends my real life friends too.
And I just have to say ...I was so surprised and thrilled when Ramona (Suture for a Living) sent me a baby quilt for soon to be born Wrenna. There is a picture of her on the quilt on my side bar. Fairly recently ...she also sent me a quilted post card I had admired because it reminded me of Wrenna's joie de vivre energy. I was so surprised when I came home one night, to see this package from Little Rock sitting on my counter and I knew instantly what it was and that it was from Ramona. And talk about perfect timing ...I had been stressed, etc., and seeing that just warmed my heart and uplifted me so much. She is always making a quilt, knitting or something for someone. This Little Rock surgeon has such a big heart and I am guessing with all the sewing she does, also the most nimble fingers in an OR. :) Thank you again Ramona. :) I am slow with getting pictures into the computer, but when I do ...I will put a picture of the postcard up. I framed it and just love it! :)
I have written some important ones ..mostly about my medical experiences ....both as a patient and a medical receptionist/Patient Access. (You can find links to them on the side bar) I have spent most of my blogging time in the medical blogasphere ...although there are some wonderful non medical blogs too. And even though I have worked in the medical profession (20 years and looking to go back now) I have written mostly from a patient perspective in here. Or maybe a patient perspective from one who also has an appreciation for the medical side of things because she worked in it for so long too. I truly appreciate what goes on from both sides of the registration area. I do believe my patient experiences and even reading the med blogs will enable me to be more enlightened and effective as a medical receptionist when I do return to work. Wouldn't it be nice if med blogging scored points for an interview? :)
Blogging has been cathartic. When I was dealing with uro ...I mostly liked to write some funny medical story. I vented with humor. Fortunately, I can almost always see humor in a situation. For awhile there ...it seemed like I'd never be getting out of the Bajingoland position and weird when assuming the position began to feel as natural as breathing. And it is weird when you've been nekkid so much around strangers that you begin stripping even in front of the janitor just because he walked into your hospital room. I'm KIDDING! I never did that. But, I felt like I could because I got so broken in with stripping down. I'm just saying.)
When Mom began declining ...it helped to blog about it. It helped to blog about cleaning out her apartment, transitioning into the nursing home and when she died. That period of time was one of the most difficult times in my entire life and that is saying something ...believe me. Because not only could I see that I was losing my mom ...but all the memories and things I tried to suppress came flying up within me and I had to feel things that I spent a lifetime avoiding. And realizing we had so much wasted time between us. My grief even spilled over into other blogs in comment section at the time (sorry about that), and one doc e-mailed and asked if I considered counseling and I had ...but his bringing it up was the catalyst that prompted me to act on it. The counselor truly helped me through it. She also helped me to see why I should not think it was all me. I was feeling such guilt and let me tell you ...grief is bad enough ...but if you have grief combined with guilt ...it's toxic. I could feel it. Thank God and counselor ...I did get past the worst of that. I also want to say ...that Mom was a good person and never did anything bad or mean. And I was never mean to her ...or even swore at her or did any of the horrible things you hear kids do to their parents. But, when she sent me away ...we grew apart and never got that closeness back again (well, we had moments throughout the years) ...until she was in the nursing home for the last 6 months of her life and that was fleeting because of the exacerbating dementia ...although some important things were said. And we loved each other very much. It's sad that things had been so complicated for us.
Why does it sometimes take dying to open our eyes to things we were blinded too? If only we had that kind of vision every day.
I vented in anger about a medical office losing my medical records and what put it over the top for me was the rudeness of the office manager telling me she thought I was "being silly" worrying about my records. There was more ...but talk about being insensitive, unprofessional and just plain stupid! How would she like to wonder about her personal information and social security number being "out there" ...not to mention the loss of documentation, among other things? In the end ...the documentation really has not mattered ...but I still feel upset that I don't know where my information went or if it will still turn up in the wrong hands someday - God forbid! And for all the anger, fear and frustration I expressed in those posts ...I did not take their lawyer up on having a free for 1 year security program to track potential identity theft. I just let it go.
*** Lost medical records must occur frequently though, because I often get hits to those posts from patients looking to see what kind of action they can take regarding their lost records.
Anyway ...blogging has been a lot of things to me. Not only have I blogged, but learned so much through other blogger's posts. This post has been a bit all over the place. I don't know why I reviewed the serious stuff. Part of me is tempted to remove it, but ...I will let it be. It is what it is and just some reflections of where I've been with this thing they call blogging.
I look forward to our holiday season and hope some funny Christmas post comes to mind.
Thank you for reading and for the friendships that have grown over time. :)