Sunday, March 25, 2012

Introspective Post - We Talked 137 Minutes last Night...

Photo credit

"Hello Sarah?" Thankfully I didn't have to climb up the telephone and talk for 5 hours ...I'm just sayin. ;)

...and almost THREE hours today. :)

I LOVE FaceBook! And ...I never thought I would ever think that. In August, I created a separate one from my SeaSpray FB account, using my real identity. I still was not all that into it. But ...recently ...I have become more active with it and I LOVE the new timeline because you can personalize it with your photos, etc., and it has a better presentation overall.

A few nights ago ...because of FB, I reconnected with an old friend that I had lost contact with ..other than the cards she faithfully sends every birthday and Christmas. I hadn't seen her since around 2001 because she moved to Florida in 1988. And even when she still lived up here ...our lives led us in different directions. We have been friends since I moved up here at the age of 14. We may've been 15 by the time we actually started hanging out. We became really good friends and we were in each other's weddings and helped give each other Baby showers.

I LOVED every second speaking with her! We shared so much because we had so much to catch up on. And we laughed. She has a terrific sense of humor and we just feed off each other and so definitely laughed a lot amidst the serious conversations too.

What was especially endearing to me is that she knew my family. Not so much my mother ..a little ...but she knew my aunt and uncle really well and also my cousin Lee and my friend Iris. She actually knew my aunt and uncle better than Iris did because Iris and I never lived near each other in those days.

It felt soooooo good to be able to share memories about my past from those earlier years and also that she would understand the present things with the past as a backdrop to a lot of the current things. And the laughs over things we did or I did back then. She even reminded me of things I did that I had forgotten that I wrote things even back then.

It is so nice when you can share a knowing laugh with someone about things in your past history ...or share the sentimental things. I was missing that very much...from earlier in my life. I don't know why exactly, but I feel more anchored again. It's ironic that I just wrote how flat I felt when doing things with other friends (since Iris died) ...and now I feel so excited and upbeat after reconnecting with this dear friend. I wish we lived near each other.

Anyway ...I truly LOVED connecting with this dear friend again and we both agreed we will stay in contact every month. I have to say ...FB is really cool. And I've always had her phone number and address, but there is just something about FB that facilitates people in taking action to get together. Maybe it is having the visual and availability of messaging right in front of you in the moment ..not sure.

And now for a bit of navel gazing ...

Do other people feel like I've described? After their lives have been turned upside down and/or they lost people they loved? I don't know why I needed to feel "anchored", because I certainly have my family around me and my life in the present. The present is what matters most.

But ... it has to be a normal feeling after loss. I've just felt out there ...disconnected ...even though as I previously stated, I have my family with me. I am grateful for my present life. I would not trade any of it for my past. I'm glad to be here and with all those I love. I want to be clear about that.

But ...I'm just trying to understand my feelings.

It may just be that loss rocks me to my core in a way that it may not for people who grew up with a stable home life. I wrote about this before, that my mother left my father when I was 3 and not only did she leave him ...she cut me off from my paternal grandmother, great grandmother, aunt and cousins ...and I never saw them again. She thought she was doing the right thing to protect me from him. Being so young ..I forgot about all of that. We moved in with my maternal grandparents. When I was 9 ...I saw my first dead person was Grandpa ..who had died in his sleep of a ruptured aneurysm. Then when I was 10, I woke up early one morning to the sounds of Grandma having a heart attack, tried to go out to see her, but was told to go back to bed. I laid there in my bed, facing my yellow bedroom wall ...praying for her to be alright as I heard all the commotion. She died en route to the hospital. And when I was 14 1/2 my mother sent me up here to live with her brother and wife and I was so hurt and angry because she was still down there. Our home life had gotten really difficult financially and so it really was the best thing for me, but it hurt so much to leave my friends, our house and the ocean.

I had a hard time accepting it ...resisting going to school ..or making friends. It was the antitheses of the friendly, happy-go lucky girl I had always been. I had a real knack for causing my uncle's artery in his jawline to pulsate. I loved them and I did appreciate they're taking me in, but I was angry and so I acted out. Not ever with drugs, sex or drinking ...but in resisting living up here. It was one of the most devastating losses that hurt even more than my grandparents dying. But, I actually think ...that my feelings of loss were so strong because being sent away also activated all the other loss I had experienced. It wasn't just the move ...subconsciously was all of it. Every night for the next 5 months, I prayed for God to let me go back to the shore to live and cried myself to sleep. I was so brokenhearted. (Thank God he did not say "Yes" to those prayers) I even intentionally failed English of my best subjects. This normally people pleasing girl, actually enjoyed defiantly looking at the teacher and telling him I did not do my assignment and did not know the answers when he called on me. (THAT was NOT at all the real me. She got lost in all the hurt, fear and anger. She ALWAYS respected authority.) So ..they set me up to meet with the school psychologist for the rest of my freshman year. I actually enjoyed that, as I was intrigued with the tests and learning about behavior, etc. and she actually did help to build my self esteem. I felt confident around her. I don't know if she was correct or how accurate IQ tests are over time, but at that time she said my IQ was 125... above average and I did feel good about that. (Yet I had math anxiety and struggled with that subject - go figure)

One of the first tests she gave me was to draw a house and a tree on a piece of paper. I forget what else I put on it. I don't remember exactly what she said other than her commenting that because I drew the house up in the air, I felt I wasn't connected to anything. I countered with it's just a picture. But, she said the my putting the tree on the ground, but the house up in the air demonstrated that I felt my life was up in the air. I don't think one had to be a rocket scientist to arrive at that conclusion ...but it was interesting.

I have been perplexed about not feeling connected or feeling lost ..which began when Mom died and subsided. But, then exacerbated after Iris died last October. I don't feel it 24/7, but I don't like it when I do feel it. I've assumed it is part of the grief process.

I just feel so much better after talking so long with my friend about things others would not relate to in the same way. It felt so good to be able to talk about my family and that someone remembered them and we shared laughs and also serious conversation. Being able to catch up on each others lives. And it was nice remembering her family and sharing my memories with her.

It was a great bonding time.

There is a scripture that says, "A cheerful heart is good medicine,
but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. " ~ Proverbs 17:22

It was healing to reconnect with Joyce. :)

Not to mention a real HOOT! :)


lindylu44 said...

I'm sorry I haven't been by to ready you lately. I've been incredibly, scary sick.

You did touch on this topic on my blog and I get how how hard it was for you to move.

I also agree with you about facebook. I love it, and the new timeline. I've gotten in touch with friends that I hadn't talked to in 20+ years and we caught up quickly and they've become part of my support team. It's a beautiful thing.

I'm catching up on your writing now and the more I read you the more I get you. I just wanted to s

SeaSpray said...

Hi Lindylu44 - I am so sorry to hear that you have been so sick. I will stop by t read later tonight.

yes ...I know that you understand a lot of what I write about. We've had similar experiences.

Today ..I was thinking how fb has stolen some blogging time ..thus hindered my creativity or focus to write. FB is fun, but I find blogging to be way more meaningful. I wish I shared my blog with other than immediate family and a few friends, but have kept it secret because I wrote so much medical ..that I would be afraid word my get out and hinder getting a job if I was perceived as sickly ..even tho resolved. Or just the fact that I write anything medical ..about docs or whatever I think ..could hinder me getting hired to. Not sure. You never know who knows who sometimes. maybe I am being over cautious.

I love the new timeline because I can switch the header and put my own pictures up which really personalizes it. I know people were passing around they wanted the old fb back, and maybe because I was new to it ..I didn't mind the change. but, I think it is way better.

I hope you are much better now. And as I said ...I will stop over later. :)