Last night's dinner for son.
Last night was an easy dinner night ...you know ...the kind where you decide you will all just pick at whatever you want ..no big deal cooking. So ...I used up the last of the corned beef and made son a Rubin sandwich with homemade coleslaw. I would normally use a good quality Russian rye and more corned beef, but son liked it. I had a faux Rubin ...sans the corned beef. :) Mr SeaSpray had his favorite ...sausage. Anyway ...now we will not have anymore corned beef until next St Patrick's day. We love it ..but I only make it once a year. I don't know why. But, I think that is probably a good thing.
SeaSpray confession time. I don't gave to ...but I am going to because maybe HUMILIATION and FEAR will get me back on track. I gained *SEVEN* pounds since St Patrick's day and that was as of Thursday. I will not weigh myself again until I feel like I lost it. I already do feel like I did ..at least lost some and I hope some of that was water weight from the salt.
What did I expect? I mean if I was gonna eat corned beef, cake, chips, muffins, etc for a few days ....this was predictable. Why didn't I stop myself after the main meal. i did so well at Thanksgiving.
The upside ...is that the former me ...back about 6 years ago ...would've said ...well you ate that and gained this ...you might as well just eat whatever you want and diet tomorrow. That was then. And the tomorrows never came ...but fleetingly for about 2 decades. So I gained.
The good news is that I do not do that anymore. Blogging does help keep me accountable ... conscious of what I am doing and consequences of my choices. I also no longer think, "DIET", but rather lifestyle change. And slowly (although too slowly) but surely ...I have been adapting a healthier lifestyle when it comes to eating. I am still not good about sleep (going to bed EARLY) and exercise. OA in my knees (bone on bone) is a major hindrance and holds me back more than I care to admit. That being said ...I have a Y membership that I don't use and I could be swimming and exercise on low impact machines.
So ...I have made the turn around ...and slowly heading on a better course ...but I have not gone full speed ahead. I think if I can just gain that momentum ...I will be less likely to deter off course.
I also credit all the on line tools and there is a health TV show that I find informative and inspirational. I will link it in here sometime.
So ...again the good news is that ...I have again stopped myself and am reversing the damage done. I've said this before ...if only I could STAY where I am after losing wait and then only go down when ready again. So much time and energy is wasted when we regain wait. You can ask any overweight person and they will tell you they've lost a lot of weight in their life because they regain and have to lose it again. I know I'm not alone in this and I will never give up. I just want to get myself focused and achieve the goals I have set for myself ...stop pussyfooting around.
After the holidays ...I wanted to give up sugar. I had some baking I wanted to do and then I wanted to give it up until Mr SeaSpray's birthday. I am fortunate that I don't like sweet drinks. rarely anyway ...unless I get a yen for lemonade or a cream soda ...but that is so rare. Sweet drinks make me thirsty and I don't like being thirsty and I just don't like sweet drinks because they seem so much sweeter than sweet food - too much. (God as my witness ...my all time favorite beverage is a good tasting water ..and second choice coffee, tea - unsweetened. :) Anyway, ...best laid plans ... and I still didn't do that baking ..which I also want to do for presents - thank yous for some others. That all began when I began making food for the uro office and has evolved to where I make up pretty plates of goodies in smaller amounts for others. It is fun to do. :) I just couldn't get into it.
I admit ...I have really been out of sorts this past fall/winter. A good part of it is ...well I don't know exactly what ...but I suspect it has to do with grieving over my friend. It's not that I cry every day or am curled up in a fetal position under my mattress. I do not/am not. But, I realized recently ...that things I always derived pleasure from ...baking ...visiting friends or family ...whatever ...feels flat.
I can't really explain it and I don't understand why ...if I always enjoyed being with friends in the past ...when Iris was alive and I could go 6 months without seeing her and not talking ..even on the phone for a few months and just have fun doing whatever I was doing ...then WHY ...if I am at a friend's ...or doing something I always liked doing ...does it feel flat? I remember one night in particular. I was having dinner at a friend's house. There was good company ...good food and lots of laughter. I was having fun. I stayed with my good friend after the other company left. I was sitting in her kitchen ...enjoying a glass of wine while she was putting some things away. I enjoyed our conversation too.
But, what I didn't say ...that a part of me felt lost ..it felt flat. I thought about Iris and how I would've told her about that night. Okay, welling up with tears now. It will pass. And I thought about how that door is just closed. There will be no more conversations with her. But ..I just wonder ...if it didn't bother me to be separated for long periods of time before and I enjoyed other things and people ...why does it feel flat now? Is this what grief is? Just in a different form?
And those of you that have followed my posts ...know how hard I took my mom's death. And you also know how much joy our children and grandchildren bring me.
I am thinking that it must be ...because she is an equal. You expect that parents will die. It is the natural order of things. I miss her and there are so many things I wish I could ask Mom and tell her and do for her. And losing her did rock my world. But ..things did not feel flat to me. I could still go to Iris and talk to her. And I still have my other friends to talk with.
But ...I think it is because she was my ultimate go-to person since I was four years old. Amazingly ...we were best friends from back then as little girls and we only spent summers together. (She was the last person to know me from my past and my mother ..other than my cousins. But I hardly saw them and so she was the last connection to that far back ..close connection.) Then when summer was over ...she'd go back home and I'd go back to my shore friends. It must've been a meant to be friendship because we spent way more time apart then together over the years. I just always knew she was there ..somewhere there and we'd connect again.
After mom died ...my PCP told me that if I felt afraid ..that was normal. He said often after a parent dies ...a person will feel afraid for awhile. My world was rocked in a way I had never experienced. I wrote about it in posts here. And I did conclude that because I always knew she was there ...even if I didn't see her and her not being on this planet anymore created a huge void for me and did rock my world for a while. And I so very much miss her.
I'm thinking ...it is even worse in one way ..losing Iris ...because I confided almost everything in her. Everything except things that involved others I could not tell. But ... we both shared very personal things ..girly things all kinds of things ...silly (I miss the silly - we could get so silly over the dumbest things like I could with no other) and had a long history shared between us.
And I especially think that the "flat" ...comes in because no matter what I did, who I did it with and where ...I ALWAYS came back to her and shared all I was doing ...always. Okay ..tears welling up again. It's like this major part of my life just is not there anymore ..well not like ..it is-not-there ..she-is-not-there...here.
And I DO appreciate my other friends. I just wish I could not think of her when I am with them. Aha! Being with other friends ...reminds me I can no longer be with her or talk to her. And never ...on this planet is a long time. I guess it comes down to the fact that this loss is still fresh and will take a long time before I am used to it. It is what it is.
And to be clear ...I am not sobbing and I do participate in things, etc., I just feel like the duck that lost it's soul mate and is looking for it. And even though Iris and I did have our significant differences ...we were girlfriend soul mates ...kindred spirits in ways that mattered most. I also know if I keep looking back ...I am not allowing other people to come in to my heart at that level. I miss hearing her call me Patty. Only people that knew me from when I was little call me that ...except for a random stranger now and then. :)
And last thought for here ...I hope to write that dental post ...if I get a chance to and can focus on it because thee is a lot to write.
The reason I want to write it by Monday is that I have a scheduled cleaning on Monday and I KNOW I have to have a root canal and a cap on a tooth that he worked on a few weeks ago. he only gave me a composite over a very badly broken tooth ...telling me that he goes conservative first. I went back in to say that I can't chew on that side ..that it is sensitive inside ..with every bite. he said it looks good. (he did do an excellent job and it looks like a real tooth.) And he tried to move it and stated it doesn't move and didn't think anything is wrong. So ..I said I would give it more time.
Well ...it has been about a month ..I think and I cannot eat on that side. I know what is happening because it happened with a big molar in the back after the main dentist did work. I don't want to get into that now though. I KNOW that it is not stable deep down and is somehow moving deep down. Something is not right or I would not feel a sensitivity deep in there. And I would be able to eat on it. Grapes, gum, oatmeal, bread, cooked vegetables, fruit and I could go on ...allll bother me. never mind that I can't chew nuts, meat, or anything of substance on that side. it is the tooth right behind my lower left eyetooth and so it precludes me from using even my molars on that side.
I am not a crazy person. And A-N-Y medical professional that knows me ...knows I am afraid of pain and will do anything in my power to avoid it. And my dentist knows that I HATE being there ...even for cleanings. I cannot stand having any work done in my mouth.
And so KNOWING this fact about me ...why then ...would *I* want ...ask for a ROOT CANAL and all the work involved in getting a permanent cap made and the expense of it all ...which let me tell you ...even with our dental plan will cost more than a few hundred dollars out of pocket? Money that could be better put to other important things.
Why would I request that torture and expense?
And now ...because he went conservatively ...that waste of time costs us an additional 75.00 out of pocket for that composite. Unless ..I would've had to have that anyway ...until the cap was done.
So ...here is why I want to write the whole story. Because I have to gear myself up to stand my ground and go against the dentist. Sometimes ...doctors intimidate me. And so I won't speak up. I don't want to be a bad patient. I don't want to act like I am a know it all and cause hard feelings. Or get them mad.
It is really hard to tell a doctor you disagree... particularly if the Dr seems to get annoyed with you for speaking up. I can't tell you how many conversations I've had with the main dentist wanting to know why he doesn't pop a cap to check on an odor or cap a tooth, etc.
The only exception for me doing this (going against advice) is with the reconstructive ureteral stricture surgery. I knew it was high risk for me and I felt like I was fighting for my LIFE in resisting it. Otherwise ...I would not have the courage to go against recommendations. And thankfully ...my urodoc is a good listener and has worked with me. There is no comparison between him and my dentist anyway. He would not cheat me. He would not avoid doing things for my insurance money. And he would look out for my good ...and I know has always worked on my behalf. I am certain of that. I realize that I am making a large assertion here ..that my dentist wants to keep the insurance money and is why he does not do the work I need when I need it. I do not know this for a fact ...but it is the only thing I can conclude ...given what my past experiences have been ...that explains his choices with my dental care.
So ..I'll stop here. I'll try to right the rest of the story before Monday, but ...whether I do or not ...I do have to stand firm ...be assertive with my request for this tooth to be fixed and not allow myself to be talked out of it ...because I KNOW what *I* feel.