Saturday, August 3, 2013

Realizations

OVERCOMING FEAR

Or 10 pain!

That moment ...when you are in the far corner of Target ...that you realize (just in case you entertain ideas of denial or postponing), you DO need and WILL have the total knee replacement ...because you also realize that you spent to much time shopping by the time you got to that far corner in Target and you now want to cry because you now have to walk all the way back up to the registers ..in excruciating pain.  And then during said walk ...you are contemplating whether or not it is ten pain on the pain scale ..and then have the the thought it's a 12 pain ...knowing full well all medical people will secretly feel disdain toward you that you would even think pain could be more than a 10.

So then you come back to 10 pain ..but then remember the kidney stone pain and so no it can't be 10 pain.  Or even stent removal pain ..except that is over quickly and so maybe this trumps stent removal pain.  But then no ..if the ureteral stent was pulled out over and over and over again ..that would even trump kidney stone pain and you couldn't possibly walk with stent removal pain.  But then you did walk with kidney stone pain ..even though you couldn't wash up or brush even just brush your hair.

So then you decide okay this is an 8 or 9 ..or a 10 in ortho pain. But then you think it can't be a 10 in ortho pain because you couldn't walk with a broken leg.  So then you conclude ..numbers don't matter.  You can't go on like this ...you want quality of life back and you WILL do whatever you have to do to get free from all of this and move forward ...sans pain ..in your life.

Well ...if the ureteral stent removal and kidney stone pain thoughts were going through my mind then suffice it to know the knee pain was up there.  Can you imagine dreading just walking up to the front of the store and then you're also calculating the steps to where you parked and also know the pain you will experience when you sit because you've been standing too long.  Imagine a knife being shoved straight up both knees, in that sitting moment. 

It's ridiculous I waited this long and now all of a sudden ..it is overtaking me!  But then if you know my SeaSpray uro history ..avoiding surgery isn't a surprise.

Needless to say - I did not make it to Costco last night.  And I realized I can't go to the boardwalk this summer and do some other things I wanted to do.  I let fear cause me to let my life slip by before my eyes.  Denial runs strong because I can't believe that only now am I truly aware of what I've been giving up.  I wonder how many other people do this?

Well ...while I know it will be challenging ...I hope my knee replacement surgical experience will be as positive as my meniscal repair experiences.  I had put the first meniscal repair off, but when I finally did it ...I was sorry I waited so long and I tell every one to hurry up and get that meniscal repair because you will feel so much better right after surgery.

And it isn't the pain of post-op and rehab that is stopping me.  It is that I still have the same surgical risks I would have if I had had the reconstructive uro surgery.  I am a strong and determined person and I absolutely would/will push through the pain and I know that the more you do the better it will get.  But ..I can't control the risks in the OR and post -op.  It was the only reason I tried so hard to avoid the uro surgery and why I have delayed this.

The one thing I did not do for myself and could have to reduce risks is to lose more weight.  I am ashamed of that and wonder why I just don't do what I know to do?  One of my friends told me to do the knee surgery - then I can walk, exercise and lose weight more easily.  I hope that is true.  And I am not giving up on losing weight prior to surgery.  Also ..it would help the knee pain.



One last thing ..and again denial is strong because I was slow on the uptake of this too.  Normally ...anytime I have an idea to do something - go somewhere ..I just DO it!  And I kind of knew it was happening ..but I guess dismissed it.  But now I realize ...I mean really realize ...I have NOT been doing even the simplest of things.  Like thinking ..I'll just run out to do this or get that - whatever ..and then instead, I just keep blogging or doing something in the house because I don't want to deal with the pain of walking long distances.  I still have pain in the house or yard, but can at least usually sit down.  And all the while ...getting less and less exercise.  Also, it was alarming a few weeks ago to read that sitting is considered the new smoking.  Oh no!  I've always been happy that I never smoked and glad I didn't have that risk to my body, but now to learn that sitting is just as bad.  YIKES!

Fear is the undercurrent of my denial ..and it can be crippling.  No pun intended ..or in this case ..it is literally true.  Because the less I do ...the less I do.

So ...no matter what ...I am calling the orthopaedic surgical scheduler Monday, to get myself on for an October surgery.

And now ...Costco is calling me.  3rd try is the charm - for sure.  :)

PS - I need to hear some encouraging knee replacement stories and I also want to know about any bad ones - what could've been done better during pre-op and post -op?  I guess I need to find some kind of forum to join or at least read through.

Update:  Finally!  Costco is a fait accomplis!  I suppose one could say that at some level, I must not have wanted to.  Now at 382.00 dollars later I am having buyer's remorse - but even Costco is raising prices and I know still better than in the store on some of what I bought.

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