Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Another Loss This Past Friday - Connection? :(


Picture of the Snow Reflecting the Blue Sky
Photo Credit

Last Friday ...I had an enjoyable visit with my friend in her store, as I purchased some more Christmas items.  (One of which I am giving in my uro office Christmas basket.:)  Then on the ride home ...I got all sentimental as I was nearing the lake I lived in with my aunt and uncle in my teenage years, until I got married at 20.  I decided that I would drive in and drive past the house we lived in and some other places in the lake.  I was all sentimental with a capital "S", missing them and the rest of my relatives on my maternal side.  Especially Mom too.  I also remembered school days, beach days, and how beautiful and picturesque that lake is in the snow ...even though it was dark then.  It was sad to see the people that live there now don't keep the house as nice as my uncle did.

I've always felt this profound sense that if only I could lift some time dimensional veil ...I could see it all again ..be right back there in time experiencing life in my past again.  It feels so close ...and yet ...of course I can't go back in time.

And I don't want to live in the past.  I want to be in my present enjoying the dear family and friends in my life now ...but it would be nice to visit back there once in awhile.  It would be nice to be able to show the people that moved on ...just how much you loved them.  But I guess they knew and know that.  And oh how I'd love to be able to talk to my Scottish grandparents as an adult ...to hear their stories about coming to this country.  But God in his infinite wisdom didn't allow for that. And I guess if we could do that then we'd alter our future and I guess we wouldn't want to risk ruining that either.

Interestingly ...it must exist tho ...because God can see the past, present and future simultaneously.  But ...I digress.  This post isn't about time travel.

So ...when I pulled into my driveway ...I decided to continue on to the houses in the back.  It has been bothering me that my friend Marian's house (she died in the spring - unexpectedly!), is dark and unlived in ever since her husband abandoned the house.  :(  It is the first year that there are no festive Christmas lights on it ...in 20 years.  One year her first husband even had merry Christmas in lights on their roof!  I miss her fence and windows being all lit up.  I know how she loved getting a tall Christmas tree just like I do.  I miss seeing her little green car driving past our house.  Mostly ...I miss her hearty laughter.  Since last spring, it has been bothering me every time I look back at her house and see how dark it is at night ...but especially now that it's Christmas.  It is surreal to me.  Her death was so unexpected.

Then when I came in the house ...I found out that my childhood friend's ex husband died that morning.  They think he passed peacefully while watching TV.  I was shocked!  And immediately upset.  Even though ...I rarely saw him after their divorce.  I remembered how I first met him in the summer of 69.  He was I's new boyfriend.  We spent the day at the beach that day ...all of us frolicking in the waves.  Some years later ...I was their maid of honor in their wedding and the next year she was my matron of honor and he was an usher in our wedding.  Social dates, babies and raising children - we shared it all until they got divorced.  then ..I guess you end up going with the one you were friends with and don't see the other spouse much.  That is what happened with us, anyway.

He was a good, kind and sweet man who loved his family dearly. And he was quite creative too.  Wood carving ...even made a huge carved wooden sign for a local establishment years ago.  He did some writing and created his own cartoon characters that he had copyrighted, although never sold.  I wonder what would've happened today if he self published?

Even though we lost touch and I only saw him at their children's weddings ...I cried as soon as I got the news.  Not only did I cry for him ...but it catapulted me right back to missing Iris.  She's been dead two years now.  Hard to believe.  I rarely cry now ...but I remember her almost every day.  I know he never stopped loving her.  I imagine the two of them are up there in heaven talking away - and now ...they'll be watching their growing family from above.  Their daughter will be having her second baby in May.  Sadly ...Iris never got to see her granddaughter or 2nd grandson.  At least ...not while down here.

I wish Iris and I could be sharing the joy of our growing families, but it wasn't meant to be , I guess.

Anyway ...I think it is so weird ...how out of the blue ...while driving home ...I got all wistful and sentimental and felt drawn to go past my family home and then my neighbor's ...knowing they were all in heaven now.  It's not something I would typically do during Christmas because I am all excited about the holidays.  And yes ...I know we miss loved ones during the holidays ...but this was different.  I was feeling something in the cosmic sense.  Or I think I was.  I wonder if something in me ...somehow knew that someone else had died?  Maybe I'm being silly.  But I can't help but wonder if I was sensing something on another level?

P.S.  After writing this post, I heard a news report that said there were 63 car accidents in NJ yesterday because of black ice.  So I made the right call in not going ...but I sure do wish I could have.

I don't even know why I'm writing this.  I guess because ..well for one thing ...I wish I could've gone to the memorial.  But with all this snow and freezing temperatures, I was not at all comfortable driving down to the funeral home alone tonight.  If it was up here ...I would've gone in a heartbeat.  I know I would've been the only person from their Mom's side to go.  And I wanted to pay my respects to their Dad and be a support for them.  I wrestled all day with it, but when I heard an afternoon weather/travel report, I decided it wouldn't be a good idea.

I'll find another way to show my support.

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