To post ...or not to post ...that is the question. Eh ...post I shall! I haven't been this vulnerable with my writing in a while and it is what I was feeling. I wrote it last night and I have to say ...it was somewhat cathartic. Maybe sometime I will do a series of posts in here about this particular journey ...or open a different blog. I am happy to say one thing weighing on me did resolve. I am so concerned about a couple of things ...but ...I am tackling 2 things beginning on Monday for one and Tuesday on the other and time will tell. And then the rest. I suppose yesterday's meltdown was also my resistance to doing what I know I have to do and to everything and I just want the easy way out. And as far as mistakes ...we all make them. We all have regrets. And hindsight is 20-20. Although ...I didn't need hindsight to know what to do. Clarity hits you like a 2 by 4 to the head though, when regret is involved. Kind of like death. What is it about death that people can see so much more clearly after they lose loved ones? Of course death is final ...but as long as there is breath ...there is always hope and an opportunity to improve things. That is how I see it anyway. And thankfully ...I am a person of faith and so nothing keeps me down for long. 'Tis a good thing. :)
I am so discouraged right now.. What a bad day. (Yesterday - April 17th.) Whatever could go wrong did go wrong ...although that is just a stupid day and while annoying ...it in no way would cause me to feel this way. It just seems ...wait ...not "seems" ...but rather whatever I do plan keeps getting pushed back or knocked off track altogether. I feel overwhelmed at a couple of new developments and with the latest one ...I just don't see how it will have a good end result even or I should say permanent result ...even with all the effort put into it. Admittedly, it's not an area I am familiar with and so I guess I just have to trust it will have a good outcome And plus something was a real eye opener for me today and no one ever told me that and so I guess it unnerved me greatly. And the thing I had asked about it in the past. Doctors. I asked doctors. So I am hoping that when I do relay this to my pcp and maybe another one that they won't see it as extreme as what was told to me. Anyway ...treatment for that begins next week. And I tell myself people go through much worse ..just suck it up SeaSpray and do what you have to do. Oh and while you're at it ...do EVERYTHING else you KNOW you should be doing! And because of what I learned ...this now scares me for knee surgery which I do need to do.
Then something else happened that I also have to find out about. That is probably fine but I will just be glad to get past that too.
And while I was at the hospital today ...it occurred to me that even though I was on a different floor and the decor was different ...it still had that SDS feel to it and then I realized even more so it reminded me of the lighting in the ER the night my mother was dying ...and then I realized ...that 5 years ago tonight she died in the ER there. And then for the first time in years ...I teared up in public about it....remembering that awful, heart wrenching night. Then I became overwhelmed with missing my mom. I just wanted to run into her arms and tell her everything going on. I just wanted to hug her and be hugged by her. And hear her tell me everything will be alright. Sometimes you just need to hear the words ...even if it's not true ...although ...things usually do work out in the end. There I was ...an adult woman ...crumbling in spirit like a little girl on the inside ...wanting the comfort of her mommy. It felt that primal. It was the first time in years that I felt such depth of missing and needing her. It was a profoundly ...longing primal feeling. I explained to the nurse what the significance of the date was and got past it quickly ...on the outside. I've had years this date - April 17th, got past me. Of course I miss her other times. But I haven't felt this kind of need or sadness in a long time. I suppose it was proportionate to the level of challenges coming at me recently. And ...honestly ...the cumulative effect of dealing with some other things for too long now. Which is exacerbating my sense of urgency and frustration about it all.
I was happy to be with a good friend whom I've been reunited with and so she was a blessing to be with today. I should have known this would happen, but memories of the last time I was in that gift shop came flooding in more than I thought they would. Maybe I was just more sensitive about it because of my memories with mom. The last time I was in that gift shop was when I brought my friend Iris (friends since I was four and she was five - 52 years :), there to get some baby presents for her daughter's baby shower on a Friday night in September ...September 2011, to be exact. She was so weak from the cancer that I had to push her on an office chair the volunteer graciously brought out of the closet for her to sit on. A tiny gift shop, but she was profoundly weak. She died before the baby was born and now her daughter is having another baby boy next month.
And this is a silly thing ...but it was also weird because the hospital is renovating and removed the nice little eatery they had right next door and so they don't cook on the grill in there anymore unless you want to go to the hospital cafeteria. My friend was also disappointed. I guess for me it is because I actually have happy memories of having nice little meals when babies have been born and for other things going on. It was also nice being able to look out the windows. And it was awful seeing most of it covered up with construction plastic today. They will be putting a pharmacy in that location instead. Maybe it will be a money maker since the public will be able to shop there too. And I guess even that felt like a loss ...albeit a small one. Just one more reminder of how nothing is forever. Which of course I know ...but I guess I just don't like that concept right now.
My friend and I did have a nice early dinner at a diner I've been wanting to go in since it was remodeled. The last time I was in there was with Iris ...after she came with me to a prenatal appointment in 1988. And before that I was a waitress there for a couple of months after graduating high school. It was a little weird. And of course I remembered on how after a busy 7-3 shift ...one Saturday afternoon ...coming out to a dead battery on mom's Oldsmobile Cutlass because I left the headlights on. :)
It really was nice being with my friend today. I mostly listened to all that was going on with her. I was glad to be supportive.
But by the time I walked in the door tonight ...I just felt overwhelmed and discouraged again ...wondering how all the things will work out. Mr SeaSpray noticed (even though I didn't say anything), and when he came over to hug me I just sobbed in his arms and told him everything about the challenges now and I told him I just feel like giving up and listed all the things I am not even trying to do anymore because, "I am giving up. That's it. I've had it!" He reassured me I wouldn't and wouldn't let me. I resisted and said, "NO! I'm done! I just don't see how I am going to do these things and I am tired of it all." Then I apologized and said I feel like I've let everyone down, including myself. I was feeling like one abject FAILURE. And so many things could've been different. He disagreed. I guess I was angry at myself in that moment and genuinely felt like I have let so many people down, including myself ...and even God. You'd think my life was flashing before my eyes. I took it all on in those moments.
I have to say ...this attitude is not the norm for me at all. But ...it is what it is. I can't see the forest for the trees right now. But the sun will come up tomorrow ...tomorrow-w-w-w. It will. It's supposed to be a sunny day. :)
And of course I've left stuff out. There's more. This too shall pass.
Well ..enough for now. Maybe sometime in the future I will be more open about some things ...or not.
Things do always work out and we all have that dark night of the soul at some point. I did tell the nurse today and later Mr SeaSpray ...that maybe this will be my turn around moment ...that someday I will be grateful because what seemed like the final and overwhelming straw ...could actually turn out to be the one that causes me to do some really good things and turn my life in directions I otherwise might never have gone in. You know ...like when people say they are grateful for their disease or disability because they became stronger, better people with their situation was the catalyst in life leading them in amazingly interesting and fulfilling directions.
At the very least I should be able to take some lemons and make a little lemonade. I can do it ...I will do it. :)