Monday, August 18, 2014

Confused With a Capital "C"



I do pray and have asked God for direction ...but again ...I shall do the things I said below and then do some serious praying ...and then ...listening.

I think I've demonstrated over these last 8 or so years that if there is an opportunity for me to avoid surgery ...I am gonna seize it.  Not this time tho ..well it's not my mindset anyway.  I am so very  frustrated with a capital "F" and I don't know what to think.  I'm also stuck and in limbo ..sort of and I definitely do NOT know what to do.  ????  And the one thing I could do to help myself ...I have not done long term with any consistency so that it would have it's positive effects.  Actually I went backwards and so even though I am back to my best success ...I've squandered so much time.  Anyway this latest confusion/uncertainty comes after having my physical last week.  My PCP has given me a mixed message.  Basically what he pushed for when I saw him in the spring nor he is pushing for something else that I have to say I-am-not-on-board-with-it-in-any-way-shape-form-or-whatever.  No way - no how ..uh uh ...NOT gonna happen ...says me.  But ...then here I am.  And while he made some valid points and I do understand ...although some would say apparently say not enough since I am non compliant.  But then to that I say ...I know my body and it just is not the right thing for me if I don't even have the mindset or green light in my spirit for it and everything in me screams, "NO!"  I do admit he had one suggestion that I was somewhat open to ...he did have a good point.  What would be the harm in investigating in person?  It doesn't mean I would agree ...but I c-o-u-l-d just investigate for myself.  Still ...I don't see it.  And I can and did present counterpoints.  Of course then he pulls out the trump card and while he unnerved me ...he cares.  He definitely is not one of those doctors that just rush you in and out again and whatever the patient does ...the patient does.  NEXT! 

Anyway ...this past spring he was pushing me toward the surgery ...even challenging what another doctor said who cautioned me against it until I did some other things.  But now he seems to be pushing me to something else.  At one point I couldn't hold back a grin and I said, "If your not tenacious - your nothing.", and he did give me a slight grin as he continued pressing me on it.  I respect him and know he does have my best interest at heart.  I have been perplexed over this ever since.  Darned me anyway!  I've just had it with so many things and just want to go forward ...but then  ...now I am wondering all over again.

So ...I am going to set up a consult appointment with the operating surgeon for September.  And I am going to have to go back to PCP to discuss this further.  And from these keystrokes to God's eyes ...I HAVE to do what I HAVE to do!!!!  I definitely need God's direction and help.  Stop pussyfooting around SeaSpray!  Just stop it!

Do you ever wish God would just drop a big sign out of the sky?  With directions ...maybe even choices ..go this route vs that route - you choose your consequences.  I mean if I knew GOD said to do something ...I'd be on board with it for sure.  Just saying.

Why is it that sometimes we humans don't do the things we know we should and then do the things we should not?  And why are some people so much better at attaining their goals? 

My life has been on hold like you can't believe.  I suppose a therapist might tell me that my subconscious gains to maintain the current status quo are greater than breaking past them and moving forward.  Maybe at one time but I don't believe that is the case now.  I have plans - some good ones.

Okay so what is it then?  I would tell anyone else to do whatever they have to do to get to where they want to be and don't let life just pass them by.  Stop living passively.  Make things happen.  Make a list.  Pros and cons.  What is in your way ...what is stopping you from achieving your goals?  What do you have to do to remove that wall or hurdle.  What is the outcome if you succeed?  What if you do nothing?  Okay ...enough whining.  :)

I am happy to say that all lab results were good.  A-1c, lipids, etc., all good.  

I guess I am making some lists tonight.  And writing out some plans for how to achieve my immediate goals.  Life isn't black and white but I do find that writing things down does help me to focus better versus seeing my life through an abstract prism in which my thoughts never really land long enough to take root.  Writing ...for me ...makes everything more concrete, giving me a better perspective ...as well the venting being cathartic. 
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