Thursday, September 11, 2014

I Haven't Forgotten (But GRATEFUL for the Good Outcome)



No ...I'm not manic ...putting up a funny post as I did last night's previous post ...then followed by this sort of sad one regarding something I am dealing with.  Yesterday's significant laughter was the first since then.  I mean the hearty laughter we experience when something is exquisitely funny.  I needed that.  Laughter is a merry medicine for the heart ...for our spirits.  Even today ...I broke down in tears when again apologizing to someone over the incident.  It haunts me ...especially when I first wake up in the morning.  They understood and forgave the day it happened ...but I just cannot.  :(

Anyway ...I also haven't forgotten to write follow up posts on the endometrial biopsy or the mag III renal scan.   On the latter ...I definitely have to speak with my doctor.  His not calling tells me I had good results on the scan but that absolutely surprises me given how the test went and what happened.  And so of course I should call in case the nuclear staff didn't notate anything ...but ...I'm just not ready to ...yet.  I did forget that I have to do repeat ultrasounds for a gynecology issue that I was cleared of.   The paperwork has been sitting on our hutch for at least a week and I've yet to schedule said tests.  I still think I am alright and I am just not in the mood to do these tests either.  Of course I will.  And I have to tell you that the idea of my having to repeat that biopsy is unnerving.  And possibly another procedure IN THE OFFICE that my doctor says hurts less then the biopsy, but for the love of God ...how can inserting a camera device hurt less then the endometrial biopsy???  I had to have misunderstood that.  Right?   I am wrestling with getting a second opinion if I have to do it again ...but I feel guilty doing it because he assisted in the delivery of my second son and I don't want to offend him.  But if you ever had an endometrial biopsy in the office and it hurt you to the point of feeling traumatized ...then you understand my concern.

All that being said ...something really BAD happened last week.  We are all alright but the situation was not ...alright and I know I have to forgive myself and I am trying... but every morning I wake up with the memory ...and I think about it during the day.  To say that it was a bad, bad situation and that is an understatement.

I am not trying to be cryptic.  I am working up the courage to write about this most painful and irresponsible event that has ever happened in my entire life.  It had a good outcome but is CHILLING to my core when I think of what did happen and what almost happened.  :(  :(  :(

And I guess that compared to what happened ...those procedures pale in comparison.  Everything does.  Every concern I have pales in comparison and I will be forever grateful for the GOOD outcome. 

I wish I could forget ...just block it from my mind ...and I hope I never forget.

It is a painful state of mind ...even though I know to focus on and be grateful for the positive ...the good outcome ...not much thanks to me.

I do want to bring good out of it.  It is just so personal because it is the worst failure of my life that could've cost someone theirs.  Telling my story may help prevent others from making the same stupid ...mindless mistake.  That is my prayer.

And speaking of prayer ...I have said THANK YOU to God so many times and I will be forever grateful to him ...forever.